I’ve temporarily unsubscribed from most blogs to give myself a break, but will get back eventually I hope.

It’s just that I am so sad at the moment, about Anthony, because of how fast the dementia is happening now.

Ming, Gutsy9 and I are all fine which somehow seems wrong. I miss Anthony so much.

In 1995, I got a part-time job at the local university lecturing in creative writing.

In 1995, Anthony was diagnosed with kidney cancer and had his left kidney removed

In 1995, Ming turned one, was baptised, went from crawling to running, learned how to clean his teeth, got into the vroom of things, slept peacefully, learned how to wash a car, yell HURRAY, climb mountains and open his own Christmas presents.

But, of the three of us, I am the only one who remembers any of this now because Ants is too old and Ming was too young.

“Reject” is the name Anthony gave a steer whose mother had rejected him at birth, and who Ants raised by hand. When he was little, this steer loved Ants so much that he would run at him, jump up and try to hug him around the neck with his two front legs.

I finally figured out how to use my little scanner, so now I can get a photobook made for Ants. Here are a few of my favourites.

Today he forgot that he saw me yesterday (it’s the first time this has happened), so he was really upset. I had to remind him about yesterday and then he was apologetic for having forgotten.

At this stage of his dementia Anthony can fluctuate between lucid and not lucid in the space of a single sentence. He frequently hallucinates various animals (usually calves), gropes for the right word constantly, and is exhibiting several behaviours that are totally out of character.

I hesitate to say this but I’m beginning to think that full-blown dementia would be better than this limboland. It’s not that any of the above shocks or upsets me too much because I nursed people with dementia for years, so I know what to expect.

The thing that is most distressing for me is Anthony’s distress and the fact that I have never ever known him to be so sad until now. And that is my sad too.

Thank you so much, doudou, for upside-downing my frown into a great big grin.

http://doudoubirds.wordpress.com/2013/04/23/ode-to-tina/

I couldn’t get into town to see him today and I nearly went mad tonight, trying his phone. Usually I ring the nursing staff to help him answer his phone and they are wonderful, but I thought I’d give them a break tonight.

Ming and I will see Ants tomorrow and that’s great but I worry so much about Ants being cold. He feels the cold terribly and winter is approaching.

I’m having a hard time coping, so am taking a break from reading other blogs for a few days so I can figure a few things out – including Anthony’s telephone!

The other morning the dogs were playing around with something in the front yard that looked like a boot or an old football. On closer inspection, I got rather a nasty shock. It was a dead calf’s head (I think!)

Ming has gone to Perth to watch a football game so there is nobody here to say:

What’s for dinner?
Why are you flooding the pens and wasting water on those stupid birds?
I thought we were watching a movie together 20 minutes ago!
I don’t particularly like this dinner – what is it?
What the hell are you crying for – what did I do wrong now?
Don’t touch any of my stuff!
But why do you want me to move out?
You ruined my life yesterday when you said to move out.
No, I don’t want to ring Dad again!

On the other hand….

Mum, you are like my mate.
Do you need a hug?
I’m sorry I didn’t like the dinner – I tried to!
Are you okay?
Can we have a talk about life tonight?
I wish I knew Dad when he was young.
I love you, Mum.

He is my best friend – this Ming – but it’s still rather pleasant to be Mingless for 24 hours – haha!