It’s the first day of Spring over here and I want my heart to gallop with excitement but it won’t cooperate. Yesterday afternoon Ming and I had one of our serious talks. These always resemble the kind of discussion a grandfather might have with a small child (Ming = the grandfather; Julie = the small child).
Now it’s not particularly pleasant to be scolded by your teenage son but after much to-ing and fro-ing of our discussion, Ming finally summarized things by saying, “Mum, I just want you back the way you were. I want us to have fun again, I want you to be happy again.” (This was after he told me my office was an appalling mess).
“Is it Dad or me who is stopping you?” Ming asked.
“It’s Anthony, Ming. I just can’t seem to adjust. Come on, give me a break – he’s only been in the nursing lodge for six months. Give me a chance to breathe my grief!”
“You’ve been doing that for too long already, Mum. Please stop. We have to get this place in order – you have to help me!”
“Oh you’re not going to say that dreadful word again are you?”
“Yes, Mum. Teamwork, teamwork, teamwork!”
“Poo, poo, poo!” I retaliated (Ming loathes that word).
Anyway that was yesterday and now it is today. I just saw a blue wren and I am going to vacuum the inside veranda and it’s raining but sunny and later on I will go see Anthony and I will not cry when I get home again because if I do I will have to suffer another Ming discussion.
It’s the first day of Spring here and my heart has begun to walk again. I hope Ming doesn’t get too much of a shock!
jmgoyder 
Time for some spring cleaning, in your house and in my mind! I’m sure your son comes across abruptly (I bet he gets it from his dad!) but you can see he really means well and cares a lot about you.
I am not sure where the brat gets his strictness from. It must be in the genes because Ants and I were never strict!
Ming is a hard task master!
Yes! Would you like to borrow him?
No, I’m good thank you! 🙂
summer is coming to an end here. the weather should be starting to cool down. the first official day of fall or autumn is sept 21, then the dreaded snow and cold winter next. i feel bad for the two of you. i understand his side and yours. i hope you two can make some time together
It’s okay – all will be fine – we don’t get snow here! Thanks Terry – I think of you and your situation all the time.
So difficult for the young to understand ‘grief’. It can take many forms and take forever to live through. It can be grief at losing a long-held job or friend or lover.
But when it is the Grief at losing your best friend, lover, partner, husband – supporting, talking. laughing, sharing love & life, it can be almost too much to cope to bear. Anthony was your focus for so many years and now you are lost and don’t know how to get home again.
Part of the Grief is the not-knowing. You don’t know when this Grief will slide still further into Shock and Disbelief at the Inevitable End. You’re constantly on edge. Not only are you grieving at the life you once had, but you’re currently living a life as though you’re in a vacuum and there is no door or escape.
Ming can’t imagine what this is like as he’s not actually in there with you. He’s milking the cows, going to Music School and getting on with his life, whereas you are in a place of no beginning and no end. It’s probably like floating around in outer space. You can’t move in any direction as there is no gravity in your life. There is no ground for you to stand on at this time.
For his sake, I think you have to try and find some space in your day for Ming. He needs you as much as Anthony. Perhaps a chat with an objective 3rd party (as in counsellor) might channel your inner grief and sadness into an sectioned space so that you can find another space for Ming, household & chores.
Lots of cyber hugs
Vicki
xox
Victoria, I can’t thank you enough for this perceptive comment. You are so compassionate and so wise – I have to print this out so I don’t forget your advice. Love Juliexxx
That is so well said … Victoria sounds like apsychologist … I just had a look at her photos OMG they are amazing too!
Yes she is a wonderful wise person and an amazing photography, this Victoria!
Today is the last day of summer for me, the first day of spring for you…Jules, clean out the cobwebs, get with the program and for goodness sake do not let Ming scold you again. :0) Love you girlfriend. Psst… tell Ming the world is round and you’ll get there….:)
hAHA – you are the bestest!
The first day of spring has been a cool one here………….lol
Here too – it is pouring with rain!
Happy Spring. Be thankful for your son. I think you know how lucky you are to have each other and so does he.
I know. Thanks so much Anneli!
Touching to know how Ming communicates so openly from his heart with you dear Julie…. And you can speak your heart/mind with him too. It sounds like he planted a seed, and you may be facing spring with a little spark… so good to hear this. Let me know how the day turned out — cleaning… need to do some of that somehow here too — College daughter is on her way back tomorrow – and summer is about to officially end. Not sure if I’m sad or relieved…. Much Love to you ~ and keep smiling!xo
The fact that you even bother to comment on my posts astounds me when you are going through so much pain – Robyn, you are a star! Glad to know your College daughter is coming home – she is yet another person I would love to meet. Your family is unique. Much love to you always
Always want to check in on you – and see what you are up to. Keeps me going! Actually Casey is going back to school tomorrow…so the house will quiet down ~ and stay neater! Wish I was able to help her get settled in her college apartment though! Much Love Julie xo Sleep awaits (I hope)
I’m the same re you and your blog – if I don’t see a post by you I get worried.
Hooray for spring! I’m so looking forward to things heating up. I’ve been cold far too long!
And hey, you’re doing very well for someone who lost their love to a nursing home. If my partner stopped smiling at me for a day I would be in ruins.
Thanks Artful!
Open communication with a family member, how wonderful… he sees things differently to you and obviously needs his Mum… life is a bitch and will do it’s best to destroy you if you let it.. easy for me to say not knowing exactly what is in your mind… but changes have happened, not those that you want, and a new beginning has happened… Spring is here, also in South Africa and it’s time for nature to show the way…
Life has to adapt to the changes of the seasons, heat, longer days, hopefully rain, and the birth of new flowers and animals all spring to mind, a time of change for you as well, a balance of love for Ant and Ming. It must be so difficult for you to adjust to the major change in your life and more discussions with Ming might be the answer…. it might help him to understand your feelings, and for you to understand his… Women have a tough time in life with men, we all want your undivided attention, things to go our way, and Ming at his age is now beginning to feel this, wanting all your attention and undivided love… also difficult for him… its going to take a compromise and understanding from both sides, Mom must be allowed to grieve and feel discontentment… and Son must understand…
Not an easy position to be in… how our lives change.. how Linda and I had such a different life style before her Cancer, as to how it has had to change… but compromises can be found, and one needs to understand them… where i didn’t want to hear about feeling sick and would tell her to pull it together… I now have to sit and listen when she’s feeling down.
Good luck Dear it isn’t easy finding that middle ground, but you have such a spirit of strength that comes through in your posts that I’m sure you will find it given time…
A complement to Australian women was once told me by an Australian man, (many years ago) he said “Our woman are so tough, they are almost chrome plated.” and he meant it as a complement…
Laugh in the face of adversity… my advice for you… Chin up my friend you’re in my prayers…
What an extraordinary comment and so****** many thank yous!
Hello Julie, I hope you find some sunshine in the coming months, both actual and metaphorical, to ease the pain your feeling.
Best wishes
Finn
I often get scolded by my children as well. Even though they are a little older, and have been a great support and assisted with the heavy spring-cleaning etc they still want me to be the Mum of ‘back then’, mother providing that ‘all is happy’ image. They do not want me to droop or moan. I try not to in front of them but sometimes it cannot be helped. That is when I get scolded. Sometimes the scolding helps by shaking me out of a black spot. Sometimes it does the opposite and sends me under. There is no book to follow for your own grief as each is different. There just is taking one day at a time and getting through it as best you can – sometimes up, sometimes down, and sometimes just in a blur. Your son has had to grow up a little faster than kids his age and be the emotional support for you. Sometimes he probably does not want to grow up so fast. He just wants to be a teenager with a normal teenage life. As he gets older he will realise that there is no such thing as ‘normal’. There is just life and the events that make up life that one must deal with when they come. One day, he will know with complete understanding what you have been going through and he will appreciate you for what you are – a very strong giving and caring mother and wife.
Oh I am relieved to find I am not the only mother who is scolded by offspring – your children sound wonderful but I understand how sometimes the scolding works and sometimes it makes you want to curl up. Thank you so much for this wonderful comment.
He has grown up so quickly. Amid your grief, you must be proud.
He’s a bit too bossy for my liking but he’ll do!
That boy is a star.
Well I am not telling him you said that – he already has a swollen head. On the other hand, maybe I will tell him!
I love Ming because he loves you so much – if he did not then he would not bother – happy spring for you – happy almost fall for us
I can’t say I blame him for wanting to have things the way they used to be. I think he is working on accepting his own reality and wanting happiness for you both. Which you deserve. I hope you have more happiness as springtime grows to summer.
We’re ending our summer here and I will miss it. It was one of the most enjoyable summers I can recall, full of discovering new friends like you, and some of the most beautiful weather to be had.
It’s an interesting dynamic this mother son thing!
Isn’t it?
My son can take very good care of me from time to time. It’s quite a surprise when it happens.
First day of Spring for you in the Southern Hemisphere and the first day of Autumn for us in the Northern one!
Both lovely seasons.
Wow, that is something. Spring is coming for you and i am seeing the beginning of the end of summer.. And I see that you are hours ahead of us because I started September 1st long after you did.
Yes the time and season difference is weird.
Hope Ming gets lots of wonderful surprises and very few shocks. I hope you surprise yourself, too, by letting yourself enjoy spring and summer.
I shall!
I can see from this he really loves you! He hates seeing you grieve and just wants you to get back to your old self. I wish a load of sunshine to come your way 🙂
Yes – thanks Dianne!
Ming has that different perspective and different way of dealing than you, and he does miss the “good ole’ days” before everything turned weird. Unfortunately, he won’t understand, and as usual Mom has to find other times to grieve away from children and try to hold the family together in the meantime. That’s what we moms do. Holding you in my prayers and sending you some BIG Texas love tonight (today). XO
Thanks Wisdom – you are the best!
Ah Spring. I felt it too. I actually cleaned out the flat yesterday. I had to empty the vacuum three times because of all the cat fur & dust from the main road! I love it though, the sun breaking through winter.
You do need to breathe your grief, and only you know when that has passed its natural course in time. Hope you are okay today…
Thanks so much Noeleen!
🙂
I am just glad you sound well. It feels good!!
damned if you do,, damned if you don’t. I get it.
Yup – you get it!
ming loves you so dearly! it must be so hard for him to see you with a cracked heart. anger as you know is a coping skill and with men (who are natural born “fixers”) they are so often at a loss when they can’t fix things for those they love.
in the end it doesn’t matter when spring comes….. as long as it comes:)
I find your last line the most comforting because today we had another big storm (certainly not like spring!)
Happy Spring!
I think it is going to be wintry one!
J, you know that spring is hard on the mental statues plus we are tired .. from what I don’t really know way. I can understand that Ming misses his “old” mum – you have all that fun inside you when you live your “bird life” here … of course Ming will get upset when he see that you have been crying or hear you cry and he doesn’t know how to handle that. We except others to understand our feeling – it’s not that easy. I also understand you, but the decision is take about Antony and Julie you have to put it behind you. I know that it’s so easy for me to say where I’m sitting … you feel guilty for putting Antony on the care-lodge and that’s what tear you down.
By the way .. you know all this.
Your words of wisdom are great Viveka – thank you!
I don’t know if that is true about the wisdom .. but I understand where Ming comes from and he are a bystander when it’s all about your feelings – maybe that is why he behave the way he does. I want his mum back as she was .. that’s why he nag you – he things that will help and maybe it helps him.
I would react the same way if I heard my mum crying. I think Ming feel left out from your sadness.