jmgoyder

wings and things

Poetry and sentences

When a little parrot you have never seen before

trips clumsily over the fragment of a mung bean sprout

you have placed on the balcony ledge

of the resort you have brought your mother to, to celebrate her 82nd birthday,

you hold the rest of the mung bean sprout in the palm of your outstretched hand

and smile when that little parrot takes it and flies away,

its wings flapping once

like a wink.

 

That sentence was too long and I don’t know if I have punctuated it properly for poetry. But I do remember advising my creative writing students to use commas when they felt the need.

 

Ming, Meg and I spent some time together at this wonderful resort and, thanks to Wifi, my mother was able to receive the multiple birthday messages from family and friends. We all thought the little parrot would come back as it seemed so tame. Having taken multiple photos of a similarly tame-seeming kookaburra, it seemed inevitable that the little parrot would return for a photo shoot – ha.

 

I had seen Ants and fed him his lunch on the day I drove us down south to the beautiful resort. My mother and I were supposed to check in at 2pm but I was delayed because Anthony was in ‘agony’ (his unusually dramatic words, whispered to me) due to constipation. Once that the situation was remedied and he was back in his armchair and comfortable, I told him I was taking my mother out for lunch for her birthday.

Anthony: I think I might stay here.

Me: That’s fine, Ants. I’ll see you after the birthday lunch.

48 hours later, my mother and I arrived at the nursing home in time for me to feed Ants his lunch again. He didn’t appear to realise that I had been gone for longer than a day which was a blessing to me.

 

During our time at the resort, my mother and I basked in the luxury of the beautiful view, the wonderful wineries, the gift-shops where I found unusual wine glasses (my latest hobby). My mother found a fantastic onyx ring which absolutely made my day. And we walked through the rather magical gardens – just us the first time, then with Ming who came down laden with three varieties of Bailey’s Irish Cream – his birthday present for Grandma.

 

I saw the kookaburra once more, from a distance.

My mother recollected how much I cried and cried after placing Anthony in the nursing home and I admitted that I didn’t remember this phase. I know I can look back on my blog and re-see that pain but I don’t want to because it is all fine now; Anthony, Ming and I have accepted that it is what it is….

Happy birthday, my beautiful mother – thank you for your support and love for all of us, not just me. I have learned the most important life lessons from you – to be ready for anything and to always, always, get back up from a fall.

And I know that parrot’s address

like a wink….

 

 

 

18 Comments »

An ‘aha’ realisation

Today I did some volunteering at another nursing home before going to see Anthony. I told him I had just come from work (I call the volunteering ‘work’ because Anthony’s lifelong concerns about money are still a big part of his psyche).

Anthony: So how much money is in the bank?

Me: Thousands!

Anthony: How many?

Me: (pulling a fictitious figure out of the air) $35,000!

Anthony: That’s not bad.

Me: What do you mean ‘not bad’? My job is making us rich! You should be proud of me!

Anthony: I am, Jules.

Me: Ants, the reason we are so wealthy is due to all of your shares and your hard work. We don’t ever have to worry about money again because you are such a good provider!

Anthony: But did you turn the pump off?

Me: Ming does all of that now.

Anthony: What about the calves?

Me: All safe, tethered and beautiful. You should be proud!

Anthony: I fixed that fence this morning.

Me: I know – thank you. Everything is fine now.

Anthony: But what about Mum?

Me: Ming is with her – she’s fine.

Anthony: Okay.

Me: I have to go back to work now – will you be alright?

This was our conversation at about 4pm today and I used ‘work’ as a way to leave him with the assurance that I would be back soon. As I’ve said before on this blog, telling Anthony that I am going home often distresses him because he wants to come home too – of course!

I have been naming the above such conversations as “Dementia dialogues” and I sometimes worry that this title may be construed as demeaning or patronising to Ants and other people with Dementia. This is certainly not my intention.

As I was leaving, we had this conversation:

Anthony: You don’t have much of a life do you.

Me: What are you talking about, Ants? I have you and Ming – what more do I need?

Anthony: But we’re all split apart.

I was so shocked by the lucid poignancy of this statement that my heart felt like it did a somersault. Anthony said this without a flicker of unhappiness and I remembered how factual he used to be – how pragmatic.

And then, just now, before I began to write this post, I realised that Dementia might affect, and sometimes kill, physical and cognitive memory, but it doesn’t necessarily affect emotional memory.

I told Ming what Anthony said today and he punched his heart softly.

19 Comments »

Dementia dialogues 26

Anthony: I saw her in the corridor … earlier….

Me: Who?

Anthony: Julie – it was Julie.

Me: I AM Julie, Ants.

Anthony: Yes … it’s extraordinary.

 

11 Comments »

Dementia Dialogues 21

Me: I’m a bit upset about these wrinkles on my cheeks that I’ve just noticed, Ants – see?

Anthony: Yes.

Me: What do you mean by ‘yes’? You’re supposed to say that you can’t see any wrinkles!

Anthony: But I can [and, OMG, he puts a finger into one of the many new little grooves of my left cheek!]

Me: I’m not happy about this, Ants, and, by the way, the only reason you don’t have wrinkles on your face is because the Parkinson’s Disease has made your face expressionless!

Anthony: That was not my intention.

Me: What? What!

Anthony: You look beautiful, Jules.

Me: Okay, but do I have wrinkles?

Anthony: Just the nice flavour.

I tried to laugh without further crinkling my face….

 

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Dementia dialogues 9/10

Me: How come there’s water all over the floor? Did you tip your drink out again?

Anthony: Yes, because everybody is dead.

Me: What?

Anthony: This is a funeral home.

Me: No way! This is a nursing home – remember?

Anthony: All of the kids ….

Me: Are they still bothering you?

Anthony: I had to fight one last night.

Me: Did you win?

Anthony: Half and a quarter….

Me: Good on you, Ants! They won’t be bothering you again, I’m sure.

…………..

Anthony: Well come on, Jules – let’s go.

Me: Where?

Anthony: Around the block.

Me: Which block? The farm or the nursing home?

Anthony: The rose garden.

Me: What rose garden?

Anthony: Along the driveway!

Me: It’s too rainy and cold, Ants – sorry. Maybe tomorrow?

……………

The last several weeks have been a bit of a challenge for me because my anxious/depressive tendencies roared into my brain – WHAMMO! – when I mistakenly thought Ants was on the brink of death. I don’t want the knife edge of that grief again and am hoping that I am now better prepared.

Me: I saw an advertisement on TV the other day about cremation versus burial. What do you reckon? You know what I mean? For both of us of course.

Anthony: It’s far too early to think about that.

Me: Okay, Ants.

Anthony: There’s something ….

Me: Is it to do with my exquisite face?

Anthony: I wouldn’t go that far.

Me: What?

Anthony: But it’s quite nice, I suppose.

Me: Harrumph!

 

 

 

 

10 Comments »

Dementia dialogues 7

Me: Why were you so horrible to me yesterday?

Anthony: Because you wouldn’t take me home to see Mum!

Me: I’m sorry, Ants – it’s just that ….

Anthony: And, by the way, Jules – Mum is not dead!

14 Comments »

Dementia dialogues 17

Me: Ants, is it okay if I write your life story?

Anthony: No.

Me: Why?

Anthony: Because I don’t exist.

[This is an exact rendition of our conversation yesterday.]

16 Comments »