jmgoyder

wings and things

Regaining equilibrium: Imagined conversation 71

Anthony: Long time, Jules.

Me: I have been keeping our conversations more silent lately.

Anthony: I know, and even those will become less as time goes by.

Me: The strange thing about the pain of grief is that it feels a lot like excitement; it is almost exactly the same sensation, like a slight punch to the stomach that sort of fizzes up into the chest – a small explosion, short-lived.

Anthony: When does it happen?

Me: Well, yesterday I was having coffee with my mother at a chocolate shop and I had the fleeting, split-second thought that I would buy you a box of the new rose-coloured chocolates.

Anthony: Bittersweet?

Me: Yes, both the chocolate and then the inevitable moment that I remembered you were dead.

Anthony: You sound more at peace; that is what I have been praying for.

Me: Since when do you pray?

Anthony: Well it comes with the territory here, Jules.

Me: Oh. Well your prayers are working. I am much more hopeful now.

Anthony: Of what?

Me: Of nothing really – just hopeful.

Screenshot (390)

Illustration courtesy of Colleen at https://bikecolleenbrown.wordpress.com/

(Colleen is the friend who is collaborating with me on the book about grief).

 

 

13 Comments »

Springtime: Imagined conversation 70

Me: Thank God August is over.

Anthony: Okay, will do.

Me: Do what?

Anthony: I thought you asked me to thank God?

Me: Oh, I see….

Anthony: I felt it too, the August blues.

Me: Did you?

Anthony: Well, you know how I dislike winter.

Me: I didn’t think you got winter over there.

Anthony: No, but I felt for you.

Me: It wasn’t so much the winter; it was because it was the month you died. I thought I would get all sad on the 23rd but instead I was sad for the whole month. It was horrible.

Anthony: And now?

Me: Ever since the 1st of September – the first day of spring – it is as if a heavy fog has lifted.

Anthony: Good on you, Jules.

Me: I got a lot of comfort out of our conversations during August though.

Anthony: My pleasure.

Me: I don’t feel the need to talk with you as much now.

Anthony: You’ve said that before. Don’t worry – I will survive.

Me: Ha – ironic.

Anthony: You have a lot of living to do, Jules – at least another 20 years.

Me: If you had said that in August I would have felt daunted. Ming said my eyes went all dark.

Anthony: And now?

Me: Now I feel a sense of excitement.

Anthony: Shine on, baby!

Me: You too.

Anthony: I am so shiny now you would need your sunglasses.

Me: For some reason that conjured an image of nudity.

Anthony: You are so perceptive, Jules! I am at the naturist beach.

Me: Oh hell.

Anthony: No, this is heaven.

11 Comments »