jmgoyder

wings and things

New chapter

Well, I have sold the farm to my lovely neighbours and will be moving to a little cottage in an adjacent town soon. It won’t be for another month or so but at least it is finally happening. The emotional difficulty of this decision (for both Ming and me) has long passed, as we have both realised the need to be pragmatic. The house is ancient and needs renovating, and dealing with 5 acres of lawns is ridiculous as I am not the least bit interested in gardening, although I did try (briefly).

I feel somewhat guilty for not responding to the blog posts I receive every day on my email, but I have been a bit preoccupied with the above. I think, once I am resettled, I will get back to blogging but I am not sure yet.

It is now over two years since my beautiful husband, Anthony, died and the grief is still fresh. I am trying to not let this grief get the better of me – and succeeding I think. I loved/love him so much.

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“Mingisms”

Ming is a master of the inappropriate comment or, sometimes, behaviour. For example, his Christmas morning ritual used to be running around the house naked, laughing his head off. Anthony and I had to turn a bit of a blind eye.

Anyway, today, I was waiting at Centrelink to re-establish that not only did I exist but that I had been volunteering for years (somehow these details had been lost). I was sitting next to a couple who I knew vaguely from volunteering and we were catching up when Ming rang to say he and Amanda were lunching soon at a nearby café so I said I would join them if I got out of Centrelink sooner than later.

All of a sudden Ming appeared at Centrelink, saw me and came over immediately to introduce himself to the couple I was sitting next to. He shook their hands, exchanged names and then he said he couldn’t stay and, in his usual loud voice, announced “I am that woman’s spawn!”

Then he left and I had to explain to the couple I was sitting next to that he had an unusual vocabulary.

Oh, the laughter was beautiful!

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All is well, Ants!

Me: In two days it will be the second anniversary of your death, Ants, so I am a bit distraught because the memory of your actual death is a bit haunting for me.

Anthony: Jules, everything you are doing is spot on! Ignore the naysayers, embrace the support of your family and friendship circle, and forgive me for my part in what is happening now.

Me: Okay.

Anthony: And Ming will be fine!

Me: Okay – I will take your word for it then, Ants.

Anthony: I now have a better view – this could possibly be called a heavenly perspective – but never worry about me because I am well thanks to all of the other lovely people here.

Me: Can you look out for R who recently died?

Anthony: Already met him – great bloke!

Me: I love you Ants.

Anthony: I love you too, Jules – stay strong.

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Imagined conversation 81

Me: Well, here we are, Ants. This is the last of our public conversations.

Anthony: Has it helped?

Me: Yes, it has helped me to talk to you better in my head; it has helped me to see how grief can be a gift (my mother said that); and it has helped me to be grateful for what we had rather than dwelling on what we lost when you died.

Anthony: You are a champion, Jules.

Me: Yes, I know.

Anthony: So what are you going to do now?

Me: I am going to put our 81 imagined conversations into book form and look for a publisher, Ants. It makes sense to stop at 81 because you will never be 82.

Anthony: So morbid!

Me: Not at all!

Anthony: You were the best thing, most joyful and interesting person, to ever come into my life, Jules.

Me: And you were/are the absolute love of my life, Ants. And then there was the gift of Ming!

Anthony: How is that young chap – my son?

Me: Our son!

Anthony: Our son! Okay!

Me: He is a weird hybrid of you and me – fascinating!

Anthony: Apart from you, Jules, that boy/man was the best thing that ever happened for me and I am so proud of him.

Me: Me too, Ants.37595561_1321704467965247_8882265699846717440_n

Note: Unblogging for the time being … thanks to my friends/bloggers for your grace x

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Imagined conversation 80

Me: Oh, Ants, everything is terrible!

Anthony: I know, Jules, I know.

Me: So why haven’t you done anything to help me?

Anthony: I am a long way from being an angel yet.

Me: Did I do the right thing?

Anthony: Yes.

Me: What could I have done differently?

Anthony: You could have done it sooner.

 

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Imagined conversation 79: Christmas eve 2018

Me: If you were here at home, back in time, Ants, we would have been sneaking bits of the Christmas ham and drinking champagne, then you would have eventually gone to bed and I would stay up for hours, wrapping presents to put into his pillow-case, leaving the empty pillowcase on the end of his bed and secretly filling the identical pillow-case (blue) with as many presents as I could fit into it! You thought I was extravagant but I was just doing what my parents did and, anyway, it was Ming, our only child; I wanted to give him the world + lego.

Anthony: It is quite common for middle-aged women to feel a bit lost when their children grow up.

Me: Straight to the point as usual, Ants – I miss you.

Anthony: I miss you too, Jules, but I mostly miss seeing Ming growing into a man of my calibre.

Me: Your arrogance is breathtaking, Ants!

Anthony: Jules?

Me: Ants?

Anthony: I am with you.

Me: Okay.

 

 

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Imagined conversation 78

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Me: I miss you so much, Ants – sometimes it is like this silent, piercing, explosive shriek inside me and I can hardly bear the physical palpitating pain of it.

Anthony: Pull yourself together, Jules – you can do it.

Me: All this other wonderful stuff is happening but the joy I should be feeling is clouded over a bit by grief; it has now been 455 days since you died.

Anthony: 456 days to be exact.

Me: Are you kidding? Is there a time difference in Heaven?

Anthony: We do live in Western Australia, Jules.

Me: Was that a deliberate faux pas, Ants? You don’t live here anymore.

Anthony: I am in the air around the Aga.

Me: Oh shut up! Now I know you are kidding around and I guess that is what is the most painful thing for me – you had had so many TIAs but you always woke up again. When you did die, I thought for a moment that you just might be pretending.

Anthony: I am so sorry, Jules.

Me: Yeah, you did do the death thing brutally fast. I am glad for you but even after all of these long, longing, days, I am still a bit shocked at how fast I lost you.

Anthony: I miss you too, my beautiful girl.

Me: I will tell you more about your headstone tomorrow; it is absolutely perfect!

Anthony: I love you, Jules.

 

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Tomorrow is Monday

Me: While I was away, my mother visited your grave on my behalf and found what had been such a beautiful space overtaken by weeds.

Anthony: She is extraordinary!

Me: Were you watching her do the woodchip thing? Did you know she complained to the shire and they got right onto it?

Anthony: I have a room with a view.

Me: Tomorrow is Monday and your headstone is finally going to happen, Ants.

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A little note to blog friends

I have been feeling rather remiss lately in not registering a like or commenting on other blogs. Obviously it would be impossible to catch up but I do plan to begin reading other blogs again soon because I do care. A lot is happening at the moment (all good!) so that is my excuse. Many thanks for those who support me on my own blog – I appreciate your kindness so much.

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Imagined conversation 75

Me: Picture this, Ants.

Anthony: Picture what?

Me: Well, it happened on the very day I had decided to dress nicely even if just home alone (a psychological trick I have been teaching myself lately to boost my sense of wellbeing).

Anthony: And?

Me: D and J dropped in unexpectedly and I was still in my pyjamas.

Anthony: So what?

Me: It was 2pm. Also, the grass was neck-high due to the fact that the lawnmowing family hadn’t been able to come for awhile, and there were two rabbit corpses at the front door.

Anthony: So what?

Me: I was embarrassed!

Anthony: What did Ming say?

Me: Ming said he was embarrassed by me being embarrassed and that I should stop saying sorry.

Anthony: Sorry for what?

Me: Exactly.

Anthony: Are you okay, Jules?

Me: Yes and no, Ants.

Anthony: Everything will be fine, Jules.

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Me: The moonflower had to be cut down recently, Ants, because of the root problem; it was entangled with the un-killable camphor laurel, both of which were attacking the foundations of the house!

Anthony: Being in heaven has given me a new perspective so it is fine with me.

Me: I will never, ever forget the day you took my hand for the first time and rushed me outside to look at the moonflower blooming. At the time I didn’t care at all about the flower; I was too amazed by the shock of my hand in yours.

Anthony: I remember, Jules.

Me: One of my favourite memories, Ants, despite the various difficulties that followed….

Anthony: I miss you, Jules….

Me: And I miss you, Ants, plus I am trying to keep the farm looking good and myself groomed etc.

Anthony: If you do something with your hair, everything will be fine, Jules.

Me: Arghhh!

 

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