jmgoyder

wings and things

I found the missing post!

Me: Tomorrow will be the first day of the fifth August that I have lived without you, Anthony. During each of the previous Augusts I have succumbed to uncontrollable, mostly private (but sometimes public) bouts of grief, anxiety and despair. This time, I have decided to approach August differently.

Anthony: I’m so sorry, Jules, for everything: for getting sick, for being such a burden, for dying.

Me: No need to apologize, silly! You couldn’t help it, you didn’t deserve it, and you were absolutely heroic during your last few years of coping with being so ill. You never complained – you were amazing!

Anthony: Loving you was the best experience of my life, Jules.

Me: Remember that phase when you said you loved me but you weren’t ‘in love’ with me?

Anthony: I was an absolute fool. I was always in love with you, from the moment I saw your freckled faced grin; I just didn’t/couldn’t ….

Me: Yeah, I get it and it’s fine – I was just a naive 18-year-old and I didn’t understand that swooshing feeling either. Anyway, as usual, it is so good talking with you that I have lost my point!

Anthony: August.

Me: Oh yes. Well, the whole idea of August has totally changed for me/for us because in around a week, you and I will be grandparents.

Anthony: I’m omniscient now, Jules, so I already know that.

Me: But don’t you see how this changes everything about August?

Anthony: Yes, of course I do, but do tell. You are much more eloquent.

Me: You died in August and yet your grandchild will be born in August – your first and only grandchild (so far), so this has totally somersaulted August for me.

Anthony: I remember one of your favourite words was ‘transmogrify’: is that what you mean?

Me: Yes! The transmogrification of August!

Anthony: So what are you doing about the despair/anxiety/grief etc.?

Me: Replacing all of that with anticipation, joy, hope, love etc.

Anthony: Have you been watching Dr Phil?

Me: Well, yes, sometimes – why?

Anthony: Well, we watch that show sometimes up here in heaven.

Me: OMG your sarcasm is NOT funny! I love you so much, Ants.

Anthony: You’re not bad yourself, Jules. Maybe the youngies should call the kid “August”.

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