Against all advice from friends and family, and against my own decision not to bring Anthony home anymore, I did so anyway today.
I couldn’t not. I couldn’t not.
During the drive home Anthony was utterly silent. It then took awhile to get him from the car onto the front veranda, even with the new walker the nursing lodge let me borrow.
It was sunny to begin with, so I brought Anthony a drink, sat with him for awhile, then went inside to heat up the chicken soup I’d made him. When it got cloudy outside, I had to bring Anthony into the kitchen which took ages because his meds hadn’t kicked in. I put the heater on because he gets so cold all the time. All of this was silent except for me saying, “1, 2. 3” to help him walk.
I served Anthony the soup but couldn’t eat any myself because I was feeling weirdly nauseous, and terrified I wouldn’t be able to get him back from inside the house to the car to take him back to the nursing lodge in time for his next meds, and in time to pick Ming up from his music school.
The day was filled to the brim with silence. I kept saying, “Why don’t you talk to me anymore?” and Anthony kept trying to, but couldn’t.
Little snatches of conversation happened, but I had to instigate them all because Anthony seems to have forgotten how to converse.
Anthony only uttered one beautiful sentence as I was getting him into the car to go back the nursing lodge, and that was about his guinnea fowl who seem to congregate close to him when he is home, even when he is silent; they seem to sense his presence. “Look at them, Jules,” he said, with his new quarter-smile.
They were our first birds and they are very noisy, just like Anthony used to be – loud and laughing and utterly lovable.
Otherwise, it was all pretty quiet today because Anthony’s silence was deafening.