jmgoyder

wings and things

Aug 5

I am a genius!

by jmgoyder

Today’s plan was to meet a bunch of great friends at a brewery up the road. Amazingly, I actually organized it, sort of – like a girls’s get-together thing. I wanted to prove to these beautiful friends that I am, indeed, capable of getting out of the house AND that I adore them.

There were a few glitches to the plan including the fact that after yesterday’s guilt episode I had promised Anthony to pick him up and bring him along. Long story short, I realized I couldn’t meet my friends and pick up Ants at the same time (it’s around a 25km trip to nursing home and back), so I did some detective work. First,  I rang the taxi service and asked if they had a wheelchair taxi; second, I rang the nursing lodge and asked if this would be okay; and third, I rang Ants (who answered the phone!) to say he was getting taxied.

When the wheelchair taxi came to pick Ants up from the brewery, the driver told me how to get really cheap taxi vouchers, and, since I’d already been told this by someone else this morning, I wanted to whoop with the joy of how much easier this kind of arrangement will be for me – not back-breaking etc. – I am elated!

It’s such a wonderful thing to be a genius!

Family Friendship

41 Comments »
Aug 3

Please don’t feel guilty

by jmgoyder

Anthony’s most frequent visitors at the nursing lodge are:

  • me
  • my mother
  • his oldest friend
  • two lovely men who used to work here
  • one of our neighbours
  • his boarding school buddy
  • a few of his nephews
  • volunteers
  • Ming

But there are many friends and family who don’t visit him. To begin with I wanted to beg people to visit him, then I realized that was an unfair request and people are busy and have their own problems and stuff.

I have also begun to realize that it is a bit scary for some to venture into a nursing home to visit someone who has changed so much, who no longer seems familiar. Another reason people don’t visit is because it is just plain boring sometimes; even for me, and this is a terrible thing to admit, visiting Anthony is often like an obligation, a job, rather than something I look forward to with joy.

I have now figured out how to get our home phone number transferred to Anthony’s room in the nursing lodge, so in a day or so he will have both the problematic mobile phone and a ‘normal’ phone. I am hoping that this will enable people to ring him more easily. The mobile, despite being one of those big ones, with big numbers, is becoming too difficult for Anthony to figure out. He doesn’t hold it to his ear properly; he doesn’t seem to be able to charge it when it’s flat; he keeps fiddling with it and sometimes accidentally locks it etc. etc. so the ‘normal’ phone will hopefully be easier.

Hopefully.

But that wasn’t the point of this post – this post is to reassure people that (a) it isn’t that scary to visit him; and (b) if you can’t cope, that is fine too, and please don’t feel guilty because Anthony would hate that.

I imagine this is a situation that many people find themselves in, in one way or another.

Family Friendship

46 Comments »
Aug 1

Teamwork

by jmgoyder

Today is the 1st of August 2012 and it has been a splendid day (this is the first time I have ever uttered the word ‘splendid’ because we Aussies don’t usually say words like that, but it seemed suitable!)

Ming (Son) and I have accomplished a few things together today:

  • we both slept in (well not quite – he milked cows in the early morning but came home and went back to bed)
  • we both agreed that there was no weetbix or, ironically, milk, but neither of us yelled
  • we both drove to town for his first driving lesson since spinal surgery
  • we both drove home again in time for afternoon milking
  • we both used equal amounts of swear words to each other on the way home because we were both a bit grumpy
  • we both agreed to cut down on the swearing (note: since Ming was a little boy, I have made it a strict rule that swearing must only be done when we are in the car and never outside the car)
  • we both cut across each others’ conversation (I tried to tell him about my visit to Anthony with my ma while he was having his driving lesson, and he tried to tell me about his driving lesson)
  • we both agreed to disagree about my contention that he is supposed to get to milking by 3pm but he thinks 3.15pm is fine
  • we both agreed earlier in the day that we may have to agree to disagree on a number of teamwork tasks on the farm
  • we both agreed to watch a comedy tonight
  • we both agreed that one or the other of us will alter this arrangement due to wanting to do their own thing
  • we both agreed that if either of us alters this arrangement it will be absolutely fine
  • we both agreed that the sooner he gets his driver’s licence the sooner we will be free of each others’ nagging
  • we both decided that we are relatively fine

Family LOVE STORY

56 Comments »
Aug 1

A wonderful idea!

by jmgoyder

This idea has been brewing for awhile now and I have dismissed it a few times, mulled it over a few times, and now, once again, I am seriously thinking it might actually be a very good idea, maybe even a wonderful idea!

I will get a job at Anthony’s nursing lodge.

I’ve only told a few people about this idea and have had very mixed responses. One friend said she couldn’t think of a worse idea; one family member thought it was a strange idea but interesting and Ming said I must truly have gone stark raving mad.

You see, I have recently  (June 30) resigned from my job as a lecturer at the local university. I had worked there, mostly part-time, for over 18 years but over the last two years had been on leave except for supervising two PhD students. This had enabled me to care for Anthony full time.

So now I need a job. And why not work where Anthony is? My enrolled nurse qualifications lapsed some years ago but I could work as a carer or domestic and, even if I didn’t work in Anthony’s section, I could see him in my lunch breaks.

Well, today being the first day of a brand new month, and with all sorts of resolutions unfolding like teamwork with Ming and so on, I just rang the nursing manager at the lodge and asked if this might be possible or would there be some sort of conflict of interest. There was a slight pause but then she said she couldn’t see a problem in the idea and she would leave an application at the front desk for me to fill out tomorrow.

Yeeha – another new beginning!

Family Friendship LOVE STORY

65 Comments »
Jul 31

Priority

by jmgoyder

Animal Family Friendship LOVE STORY

28 Comments »
Jul 31

Enough

by jmgoyder

Ming (18-year-old son): We need to talk.

Me: Yes.

Ming: I’ve had enough!

Me: Yes.

Ming: Your life is consumed by Anthony.

Me: Yes, sorry – I’m just trying to….

Ming: Mum, what do you want in life – what do you want in life now?

Me: Good question.

Ming: I know what I want right now, Mum and it’s got nothing to do with my ambitions.

Me: What do you mean?

Ming: I just want you to be happy again.

Me: Oh, that is a wonderful suggestion and how exactly do you plan to do it?

Ming: If you just listen ….

Me: What? Listen to you tell me off for every time I put too much water into the chook pen? Listen to you tell me off for ringing you on your mobile when you’re late? Listen to you tell me off because I’ve run out of weetbix? Listen to you tell me how to do every bloody thing as if I were born yesterday?

Ming: Please, Mum!

Me: Yes, what is it, oh fount of all wisdom? Have you found a magic potion for Dad?

Ming: That’s what I mean – it’s all Anthony, Anthony, Anthony.

Me: So you are saying I neglect you?

Ming: No! You are the best mother, I had the best childhood with you guys but now is sort of hell and sometimes I want to go away.

Me: So do I.

Ming: Why can’t we be a team – do the farm jobs together?

Me: I’m not very good at teamwork.

Ming: Why won’t you talk to me like we used to?

Me: I don’t want you to share the misery.

Ming: I already do, Mum! You have to let go of Dad emotionally – you have to trust the nursing home to look after him. He is fine!

Me: So how did you let go?

Ming: I just did – ages ago – so I could survive.

Me: Are you saying that my own misery is leaking into your life now?

Ming: Yes. Can you please stop it?

Me: What – the grief?

Ming: Yes, because I’m still here and you’re still here and the farm is beautiful and we are going to make it better.

Me: And why would that happen?

Ming: Because I love you.

Family Friendship LOVE STORY

71 Comments »
Jul 30

Around and around we go….

by jmgoyder

This morning the peafowl are doing something I haven’t seen before. They are playing some sort of chasing game around and around the house – almost like ‘tag’ in its old-fashioned sense. Mostly they are sprinting but, whenever one gets close to another, the one ‘tagged’ will fly up onto the roof, scramble across and jump down on the other side, and the chase begins again. To begin with I thought it was some sort of flirting game with the peacocks chasing the peahens but I have been watching, enthralled, for some time now and both males and females are chasing each other. They are doing this anti-clockwise around the house, over and over, and I cannot stop laughing.

My argument with Anthony in the nursing lodge yesterday has made me realize that I need to rethink a few things when it comes to explaining to him that coming home for good is out of the question. Of course this has been said before, but always a little evasively, with averted eyes and falsely hopeful half-phrases like, maybe tomorrow, let’s see if you’re up to it on the weekend, the restaurant on the beach possibly, not sure but I could get someone to help me lift you etc. Yesterday, I reminded Anthony that he had willingly signed into the nursing lodge as a permanent resident months ago, that it had become increasingly difficult to bring him home due to his deterioration with Parkinson’s Disease and this is how the conversation went. It was just after lunch, my mother had left and I closed the door to Anthony’s room so we could argue in relative privacy.

Anthony: So I’m here forever until I die am I?

Me: Don’t you remember? You were here for respite because we had to find somewhere for you to stay when Ming had his operation, then this room became available for you permanently and we had to make a decision or miss out and be put on a waiting list and we both decided, together, that this was a good idea.

Anthony: I just want to be home with you and Ming.

Me: I know, I know, but it’s impossible. You are high maintenance – you need nursing care. I did it for four years, Ants, and took leave from work for two years. I got exhausted from the night shifts with you and ended up in hospital myself – twice!

Anthony: But why can’t we just give it another try?

Me: Give what a try?

Anthony: Me coming home for the night.

Me: We’ve tried that – a few weeks after Ming’s surgery, I brought you home for the night and it was a disaster, and then we tried it again a few times and you were too heavy for me and then we decided to just do the day thing.

Anthony: But I can improve.

Me: How? You have Parkinson’s Disease and it’s getting worse. It’s not your fault and you can’t make yourself any better.

Anthony: So I’m going to die here.

Me: But I see you most days, talk to you several times a day on the phone, and bring you home once a week – why can’t that be enough?

Anthony: I just want to be home, Jules.

Me: Okay, listen to me. You want to be home. I want you to be home. We don’t always get what we want do we. I didn’t want a sick husband, I didn’t want to be alone – you think you are the only one alone? You are surrounded day and night by people who care for you – I’m the one alone.

Anthony: You have Ming.

Me: Ming is 18 – he’s out most of the time and good on him.

Anthony: Well make him stay home.

Me: No! I’m not going to trap him too!

Anthony: But you said you were lonely.

Me: I’m not lonely in general, you idiot – I’m lonely for you.

Anthony: That’s why I want to come home.

Me: Okay, this is what happens when I bring you home. You hardly speak on the way home; it takes me at least half an hour to get you from the car into the house and comfortable; you eat whatever I have prepared for lunch but leave most of it; it takes another half an hour to get you to the loo and out and back into an armchair; you fall asleep for a couple of hours; it takes half an hour to get you back into the car to go back to the lodge; it takes help from staff to get you out of the car and into the lodge and your room; and when I say goodbye you ask why I am always in a hurry and you make me feel guilty.

Anthony: Yes, but I love being at home anyway and I didn’t know I was going to be here forever.

Me: You did know! This is permanent Ants, you have to accept it – please. I am beginning to dread visiting you because you do this every single time and I can’t stand it. You can’t see beyond you, you, you, can you! What about me – why don’t you care about me? I am going to wreck my back, if you keep making me take you home.

Anthony: Jules, please don’t cry. I’m sorry.

Me: You are so selfish! I’m going to use your bathroom and then I am going home to a freezing cold house with no husband in it.

Anthony: Please, Jules, I’m sorry – I love you.

Me: I’ve got my sunglasses on now, in case I bump into any staff.

Anthony: Let me walk you out to the car. Just help me go to the loo first.

Me: I want to go home now – not in an hour.

Anthony: Okay, just give me a kiss, Jules – I’m so sorry.

Me: Here is your kiss. I have to go, Ants – sorry – I love you so much but you have to stop doing this to me, please …. I’ll ring you later. Oh, and another thing: sometimes when I ring you don’t know where the hell you are anyway.

And that was yesterday: give me today anytime because watching peafowl running in circles beats the hell out of yesterday.

Family Friendship LOVE STORY

79 Comments »
Jul 29

Having an argument in a nursing home is a bit awkward!

by jmgoyder

Yeah, I know I keep calling the place where Anthony now lives a ‘nursing lodge’ but that’s only because it sounds a bit nicer than ‘nursing home’. Also it is called a lodge by its owners and I like that because it is so different to what I imagined a nursing home might entail. Anthony is in the ‘high care’ section, but he has his own room, his own bathroom, a view to the garden and it is all quite spacious, a bit like a motel room for one person. If he makes the slightest murmur, someone comes to help, the meals are delicious and the staff are beautiful – not just the nursing/caring staff but also the domestic and kitchen staff. Everyone seems very fond of Anthony, who they call Tony, which is what most people have always called him anyway, and everyone knows my name too which I find remarkable and lovely.

Today I went in at noon and so did my fantastic mother, and the three of us had lunch together in Anthony’s room. His meal was good, the sun was shining through the window, and I hesitantly brought in two more pictures from home to hang on Anthony’s wall. I had already brought in a jarrah/cast iron mirror one of my brothers made us a few years back, a huge clock I bought the other day, and a poem written by one of his best mates for his 75th that we had framed when Ants was still home on the farm.

I took in an original painting of cattle that I had commissioned for Anthony’s birthday years ago and a photo of Ming as a baby. Anthony didn’t like the fact that I had brought yet more home things into the nursing lodge and became glum and, yes, we had an argument and I had to close his door so that the staff wouldn’t hear my desperate pleadings to him to please, please, stop ruining all of my visits to him. At the end of that, as I was leaving, he still asked:

Anthony: So when am I coming home?

I cried all the way home, not with grief but with a kind of new rage.

Friendship LOVE STORY

46 Comments »
Jul 26

Do you want to be buried or cremated?

by jmgoyder

Do you prefer coffee or tea, jam or honey, steak or chicken, pavlova or apple pie, weetbix or cornflakes, roses or camellias, ducks or chickens, Hawaii or Vancouver?

I don’t need to ask my husband any of the above questions because I already know the answers, but I have no idea what his answer would be to the question that is the title of this post.

And I don’t care what anyone says, I am not asking him that question because he is already so anxious and homesick and probably really scared, so I have had to take a punt and make a guess.  I signed the rotten form and put it in a rotten envelope with my rotten letter of thanks and my rotten poem and gave it to rotten Ming to deliver today.

So my question to anybody reading this is not about whether you wish to be buried or cremated (although I am curious), but whether you would like this question filtered or unfiltered.

Family Friendship LOVE STORY

92 Comments »
Jul 25

Common sense

by jmgoyder

Over the years I have developed a sense for when I may need a little psychiatric counselling. Here is an example-

When, on seeing a pink toenailed foot hanging out of someone’s boot/trunk, and the car with the foot is just in front of you at the fast food drive-through, you get out of your own car, go to the passenger side of the possible psycho’s car, open the door, ask him to turn his music down for a moment, get told to F#$##$%#%#$% off, shout to him, “I think you have a body in your boot,” go back your own car and quickly write down the licence plate of the psycho’s car, tell the fast food people (and order food), get home, ring the police who laugh and say it’s the latest craze – buying plastic body parts and sticking them out of car boots.

Okay this happened a few years ago when I was young and naive but I have never forgotten Anthony’s response when I got home all traumatized.

Anthony: So you thought there was a dead body in the guy’s boot so he must be a murderer but you still got out of your car and asked him to turn his music down so that you could tell him there was a foot hanging out of his boot?

Me: Yes.

Anthony: This reminds me a bit of when you went all the way into town to buy something to unblock the sink when it was just that you left the plug in.

Me: And?

Anthony: Well you don’t seem to have a lot of common sense.

He was right – am still struggling with common sense – argh!

Family LOVE STORY

65 Comments »
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