Last night, I couldn’t sleep which is unusual for me. Husband was back at the nursing lodge and Son had gone (first time since surgery), to a friend’s place for the night. He took Husband’s 18th birthday present with him – a bottle of Bacardi – but we won’t go there!
I wasn’t lonely, because I love being alone; and I wasn’t scared of the dark or the wind, but I just couldn’t stop my mind galloping. So I turned the light on and finished reading a book called Waterlemon (no, that’s not a typo) by Ruth Ritchie in which she describes her journey through the ordeal of her husband’s bicycle accident, subsequent brain injury and recovery.
What struck me most about this story was not her courage in dealing with the events (with two small children and two ‘step-children’), or her courage in supporting her lovely husband throughout the long days, weeks and months of his convalescence and homecoming, but her courage in actually naming the family members who were unsupportive. I mean she actually named these people, all of whom were from her husband’s family.
As I was reading, I started to get a bit worried about how open she was in her slicingly angry, but accurate, descriptions of these people. I wondered if they might be hurt to read about themselves portrayed in such a manner. After all, all stories have two or more sides, don’t they?
But, because Ruth used transcripts from real telephone conversation and emails, I realized her story was legitimate; not only that, once her husband recovered enought to come home again, he obviously didn’t object to the book being submitted for publication, despite his ‘family’ being so exposed.
So, yeah, this has really got me thinking about how, despite my honesty in this blog, I have been, unlike Ruth, pretty lax in mentioning the amazing 99.9% of Husband’s family, and his fantastic old and new friends, and my own family, who have given him/us support, love, assistance and so on. But I have also been pretty wimpy in not mentioning the 0.1% of his family who have, over many years now, broken his heart over and over again in ways that I cannot even bear to express.
The beautiful thing is this: I finally unwimped myself and banished that 0.1% from our lives and wondered why on earth I hadn’t done this earlier, years ago. It’s actually not that hard to say “go away!” Godfrey does it all the time!
jmgoyder 
You can’t pick your family members, unfortunately.
You are right there!!!!
awesome Julie, just let it go……. 🙂 u feel happier instantly!! Their baggage now not urs xx
Should have done it years ago!
Julie my dear, I’m with you 110%! I know well what you’re talking about! 🙂
Thanks so much – can’t understand how I could have put up with that 0.1% for so long – I am an idiot!
Good for you Juli. Love you.
Finally, the word ‘no’ occurred to me!
How are you?
Seeing BJ in next day or so – very happy to hear new plans re….!
It’s always amazed me that we try so hard to please that 0.1%, only to have our efforts thrown back in our face. It’s like trying to climb a mountain when you’re walking with crutches. When you finally let the relationship go, it’s sad, but so freeing. Good for you!
Yes and I only wish I’d done it years ago!
Very powerful epiphany you had there Julie. I can relate. I often feel like I’ve been abandoned by some who have been insensitive or unsupportive during my ordeal. You may be like me and want to forgive and justify for these folks even when your feeling hurt. Sometimes I even feel guilty, in that I’ve let others down in that my challenges do not allow me to be the person I was meant to be… the friend I was supposed to be, the daughter, sister, etc. I was supposed to be. Ultimately though, Love should prevail, and your experience last night is a good reminder for me to hang on to whatever of myself I do still have, to nurture and protect it, and NOT to let others sabotage my strength (cause God knows I need all of it right now). Thanks for sharing this story. You are so real and I love your insight and wisdom – and of course your writing!! RL
Thanks, RL. I was, and still am, a bit conflicted as to whether I should have posted 0.1%. It kind of took more guts to write and ‘publish’ it than it did to actually put a stop to the situation. I have so much admiration for the way you live with your own situation and I bet you get all sorts of well-meaning advice from your own family and friends some of which would be very draining. Ultimately, you have to depend on yourself and nobody else I guess. Juliexxx
you’re (typo) 🙂
Right on! Who needs unnecessary negativity in their lives?
Too right!
We could all do well by taking a few lessons from Godfrey!
I never thought he would become my mentor!
I think it’s really hard to be that honest, and even harder to say “Go away.” But there comes a point when it’s time. I give up Guilt every year for Lent, but it always sidles back a little bit here and a tad there, until I have to banish it again.
Yes – that guilt is a real challenge!
Brava! Not always easy, but it is always more healthful to detox an environment!
Yes!
Bravo! Life is too short to let people taking advantage of you.
Thanks – I agree!
I’ve often wondered the same thing about how much to expose or not expose about the people in our lives that both help and hurt us. I have a project brewing in my head that I keep getting tripped up on exactly that. Hmmmmm
I admire your courage.
Beth
I get the hmmmmmmmm!
Very difficult thing to do…to accept and decide what to do about those who are unsupportive. I understand, relate, and empathize. But in the end, you need to decide what is best for your health and well-being.
I know – forgiveness is the key – been there, done that but will give it another try – hehe!
Wow, I should read this book because it sounds like this lady wrote about my own experience! I’ve been feeling bad about having these thoughts but my whole in-law family is full of selfish, self-centered jerks (pardon my French). When my husband suffered his brain injury after his skiing accident a few months ago, I thought his family would offer help and support. Boy, was I wrong! They only offered advice (most often unwelcomed advice) over the phone. Offered help, but only when it was convenient for them, not when I actually needed it. His father came for a week and a half to help and behaved as if he was a guest and not a helper in our house, when I already had two little kids to take care of and a sick husband. He also made it sound like he sacrificed his whole life to come here, when he spent most of his days reading, napping and watching TV. I’d sacrifice my life anytime for a day like this. The rest of the family was absent, just bitching about me on the phone to my husband. Lovely.
Only such rare events show the true nature of people and unfortunately this is not what I wanted to see. I have decided to write them off my life because it’s not worth dwelling over their behavior and wondering what I could have done differently. Nasty, selfish people will stay that way and it’s better to surround myself with people who will actually be there for me when I need it. I’ll definitely have to check this book out!
Sounds like your experience is uncannily like Ruth’s in the book. Don’t know if reading it would help or not. Me, I’m working on the forgiveness thing for the umpteenth time – ha! I have this new method – forgive and forget, rather than forgive and reconcile.
Haha, I’m going to forget because it’s not worth my time, energy and feelings, but I’m not sure I can forgive. It’s not just me they rejected and refused to help, but their own family member. My own friends and family have been appalled at their behavior, so I don’t think it’s just my own interpretation. I just want to think that most people out there are actually kind and caring, and they’re the exception rather than the norm. 🙂
I so know what you are talking about!
You are a lucky women in so many ways. And loving too.
You are so right – glad to have you back!
You are so brave. Congratulations! I have had to banish several of my family in my lifetime in self preservation. It was wretched sad that only when they were at the end of their lives we were able to reconcile. I would rather that it had never been that way, but would not change a thing. I think this comes across harshly, but then you would have had to know my family to understand I suppose. ~ L
I think every family has their own 0.1% – not sure!
I think you may be correct! 😉
Letting go of negativity and the small things/people who make life unpleasant is really hard to do. From my own experience it’s hard to let go of anger, resentment, frustration and other negative emotions.
But once you do, it is very uplifting.
Well done Julie.
Keep it up.
Thanks and good to have you back! Is your computer great?