On Sunday Husband was picked up from the nursing lodge by another good friend and they both arrived at around 11am. Soon after, Son was delivered home from a party by one of his good friends.
The day was full of hope and some of those hopes happened – the Aga was lit (not an easy task after 6 months of being unlit), and the fireplace was also lit.
Husband had around half an hour of being able to walk around, supervise things and then he froze just outside the front door, his hands full of woodchips for the fireplace. As Son and I helped him into the house and onto his favourite chair in the living room, I cried openly, and in front of Husband, with the frustration of not being able to get him to walk. It took a good half hour before I could get Husband settled in his chair, by which time Son had abandoned us before whispering to me, “Mum, please tell him he can’t stay the night!”
So, during the next hour or so, I broke it to Husband that he couldn’t stay overnight any more, because he was too heavy etc. and needed to be looked after by nurses. He agreed, but was a bit shocked that he wasn’t staying the night. The sorrow and his words, “Well, I may as well shoot myself” were unbearable, but I tried to laugh it off by saying, “You wouldn’t be able to pull the trigger,” and Husband did laugh then and asked me to give him a hug.
Actually, I can’t seem to tell the rest of this story because it’s too hard. In short, I took Husband back to the nursing lodge.
On Sunday, we entered a new phase….
jmgoyder 
So sad to hear about this new phase, Julie.
Distressing as it may seem, it’s good that you can still share your thoughts, but sad that those thoughts no longer flow freely.
“Keep your pecker up Julie, there’s more kisses and hugs left in Husband than you think.”
Thank you so much, Vicki – it really is become so unbearable and I only share a bit of this because I don’t want to seem all self-pitying, but my heart is getting a real hammering! Juliex
Oh dear, I’m so sorry. This is such a sad journey for all of you.
So sick of my own sad – I will try to lighten up yet again! Thanks, Tilly.
if not here then where? the more we talk about these sad truths the easier to face them. it is a bit like looking under the bed when you are scared. tears and howling are not a bad way to process these unreasonable events that you are having to make reason of. your husband is hopefully going to be more understanding of how this is affecting you if you are more willing to let him see this part. sad but true sometimes people think it is all about them until we show them the whole picture. so proud of you for sticking to the no overnight agreement. your son must be very proud of you and i hope you are proud of yourself.
you are in my thoughts and send you all the courage I can spare:)
Thank you! It’s a BIG thank you!
How I feel for you, I wish I could say something to make it easier.
My wife who has had three different cancers has always been able to come home and stay, the trauma no where near what you are going through. I will think of you in all my prayers, May you find strength to keep on writing as you do maybe it will help even if in short bits, it keeps others aware of your thoughts and lets us think of you.
A big hug of strength from Wife and Me.
Same back to you and your wife!
It’s so hard I don’t know what to say but you still have each other and I think husband appreciates whatever time he has with you both. I do feel for you and send you warm and fuzzies …
It’s getting so awful – thanks Ingrid!
Must be extremely difficult. I am thinking of you, hopefully I can send you some extra strength via my mind!
this post belongs in your love story series, made me cry to read it in its honesty, rawness and beauty. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Yes, hard and heartbreaking, but you do what you have to do. Hard lessons but very valuable. Keep looking for those moments of joy. It’s amazing to me how heartbreak and joy intermingle. Praying for you today and sending you BIG Texas love!
Goodness Julie…my heart is breaking for you. This journey you have found yourself on is something nobody could ever truly understand unless they are living it. It seems to me each of you (you, son, husband) are in your own private hells (sorry I could not think of another word, and I feel this way here at times too)…. but are still all filled with love, anger and frustration at the same time.
I so wish there was something I could do. It’s scary – and there are aspects I can relate to with my own yuck and the family dynamics. Still yours is a unique battle and all I can do is let you know I’m here for you and will continue to pray and support you anyway I can. Sending giant hugs xo Robyn
oh no…so sorry to read about that new phase.
Oh no! How difficult! *hugs*
Bella and DiDi