Love story 51 – Love and hate
There is no rhyme or reason behind the haphazard cruelty of life. Bad things happen to good people all the time, and good things happen to bad people, but it is also the case that good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people.
Over time, before and during my marriage to Anthony, right up to now, I have wondered and pondered and wrestled with all of those whys and whatifs to no avail, deciding, instead to simply accept it – to accept everything that came our way, no regrets – none. It is also a fact that many people have much worse problems and that is something I am always aware of.
Of course it seems cruel that, having just discovered this amazing love – a bit like finding a hidden treasure in an old chest of drawers – Anthony would get cancer and the journey into illness would begin. I don’t have enough fingers to count the various illnesses that plagued him over the first few years of our marriage – the kidney cancer, diabetes, lung clot, liver disease, melanomic and squamous skin cancers, hypertension, ankolosing spondylitis, Parkinson’s disease and prostate cancer. By the time Son was 12, Anthony had all of these diseases.
Son said to me the other day that he had no memory of having a healthy father.
“So what?” I said. “You have a father who loves you and that’s all that counts.”
“Sorry, Mum,” he said when he saw my nostrils flaring – ha!
[For the next few chapters I will go back to the good times because, in amongst all of the above, we had some rip-roaringly good times].
Love story 52 – Inna’s tomatoes
Inna died over 30 years ago but almost nothing in this house has altered. When relatives and friends visit they all feel they have stepped into some kind of time warp because even her awful/quaint plastic tomatoes are still hanging in the kitchen on their original rope. Every time I look at them I think of her, so why get rid of them?
One day, after Inna’s shower, I discovered that a workman was repairing something in the kitchen so I stopped Inna from doing her usual sprint from the bathroom, down the hallway and into her bedroom because I didn’t want the workman to see her naked. But she didn’t heed my warning and, instead, she ran, squealing with evil delight, in full sight of the workman who looked at me in wonder that someone in their 80s could be so speedy.
It’s about time I dusted those tomatoes!
Love story 53 – Baz
Out of the myriad of Anthony’s friends, Baz was the best – the most loyal, the most fun, the most pragmatic. Anthony has known Baz since Baz was in nappies.
When I went to Sydney for my weekend with the other man, Anthony became so distressed that he actually rang Baz (a guy who is 26 years his junior) for advice and, even though I will never know exactly what they said to each other, I think Baz more or less told Anthony to grow up, to let himself love me, to propose marriage.
Knowing Baz, I am sure he didn’t say it quite like that; he probably said, “What the f%$^%$ is wrong with you, Tony?” He may also have said what an absolutely gorgeous creature I was (no, I’m sure he didn’t say that, but you never know!)
Fast forward around 20 years to last night when I took Ants and myself to Baz’s 50th birthday party. I’m very glad to have done so but in so many ways it was bittersweet because it soon became obvious that Anthony’s party days are well and truly over. Even though I know what Anthony’s Parkinson’s is like, his immobility shocked me because often he will somehow be able to rise to the occasion, and I thought he would do so for Baz and his beautiful wife, Julie.
I wanted so much to stay forever in the warmth of the wonderful party, but I had to take Anthony back to the nursing lodge.
The frolicking rollicking days of Ants and Baz are, alas, over.
Love story 54 – Guffaw
I am so glad I used the word ‘rollicking’ in the last post because, it has reminded me of things.
Until I met Inna and her son, Anthony (Husband-to-be) I had never had a rip-roaring, rollicking time. I was a relatively tame and timid teenager and I had no experience of loud, boisterous FUN. This is not to say I had never had fun; of course I had had fun and my upbringing was full of love and laugher but – put it this way – I had never guffawed.
Oh, I grinned a lot, like some sort of lost-in-space cheshire cat, but I had never laughed out loud, well not like I do now anyway.
I was at the university the other day, seeing one of my PhD students and a couple of my old friends joined us because they had heard my laugh and knew I was there. One of these friends said she was drawn to my ‘cackle’ and I was delighted.
Anthony taught me how to develop this rollicking guffaw and sometimes, like the stupid tears, it bursts out of me unexpectedly. Yes, indeed, Anthony invented LOL before it ever became an acronym!
Love story 55 – The milk!
When Inna was still alive, she would often send me over to the dairy to fetch a billy of milk straight from the vat (a ‘billy’ is like a big huge can).
The joy of her request for me to get milk is akin to the following:
- seeing a boy you like from a distance, then accidentally getting closer (between the cows and the vat);
- having your first alcoholic drink (milk is better); and
- making a bloody good salmon mornay (with lots of creamy milk).
Sometimes Inna sent me over to the dairy for more milk and, at the time, this mystified me. In retrospect, I see now that she was trying to encourage a relationship between her son, Anthony, and me, but at the time I didn’t get this. I just used to feel embarrassed at going over to the dairy yet again when he was so busy!
He would look at me as if I were mad, and I would say that his mum wanted more for the mornay. Sometimes he gave me a quizzical look and I would go straight back to the house and, before Inna saw me, drink a huge glass of fresh milk!
jmgoyder 
i am truly enjoying these posts. you are quite a lady
Thanks – I was worried because some people have already read them on the other blog.
Know I’ve read these chapters before – but still good to refresh…. yes… why bad things happen to good people. I have that book, must pull it to re-read -but I think Kushner said what you did — it’s in the acceptance …. so hard still xo
I haven’t heard of that book.
It is a wonderful book – you feel a kinship with Rabbi Kushner – he is one of my favourite authors – so very open-minded and if you do not agree with him totally, you see the point he is making
Love this series – it is prompting me to perhaps do something similar – say in a 200 word format
Do it!!!
Still loving this amazing love story. Thank you so much for sharing it.
Barb
I’m copy/pasting it from one blog to another so am getting slightly confused – ha!
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Wonderful episodes! 🙂
Thanks!!
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