Do you prefer coffee or tea, jam or honey, steak or chicken, pavlova or apple pie, weetbix or cornflakes, roses or camellias, ducks or chickens, Hawaii or Vancouver?
I don’t need to ask my husband any of the above questions because I already know the answers, but I have no idea what his answer would be to the question that is the title of this post.
And I don’t care what anyone says, I am not asking him that question because he is already so anxious and homesick and probably really scared, so I have had to take a punt and make a guess. I signed the rotten form and put it in a rotten envelope with my rotten letter of thanks and my rotten poem and gave it to rotten Ming to deliver today.
So my question to anybody reading this is not about whether you wish to be buried or cremated (although I am curious), but whether you would like this question filtered or unfiltered.
jmgoyder 
I would like to be cremated and scattered somewhere nice. You can print this on the blog 🙂
I have missed you! I just clicked on your url and re-followed. Had wp problems for awhile so still catching up – thanks for comment and hope the fiends are all well!
i never want to be cremated, so i would want that to be asked…………..buried is my terms. i am sorry u were put through this
A necessary form to fill in unfortunately – how are you going with Al?
today is terrible, i can say nothing good about it, just blogged about the day so far to keep my sanity
Hell – just saw your blog post – hope today is better Terry!
We act as if it will matter to us after we’re gone. I don’t think it matters. Our bodies are only a bunch of lifeless organic molecules in one form or another. Our spirit, whatever it is that gives us life, will be elsewhere – no longer there in the body, so don’t lose sleep over burial or cremation. When I die, I don’t plan to hang around my grave or my ashes. I’ll be somewhere beyond the stars, visiting with my friends.
True.
I go back and forth…but in this position you were in here, I agree that Anthony is not in the state he needs to be in to make this call… and the emotional/physical cost of asking him (for both of you) is way too high right now…. you did the right thing Julie… Personally I think once we leave our bodies — we become energy separate from the flesh – and it probably matters not what we do with that body after — the choice is more about what the living we leave behind ‘feel’ about the matter anyway — xxooo
Thanks Robyn – wise words again!
A rotten thing to have to do but perhaps we should all make a living will to avoid anyone being put in that situation?
Very good idea!
This is very hard for you, Julie, and I am sorry.
Life presents us with tacky things that need to be dealt with doesn’t it? I’m sorry that this one was so recently presented to you. It is unfortunate that most of us get so busy with enjoying our lives with our family and spouse/SO/life partners that we don’t take these tacky future events into hand. I guess we expect to go on in bliss and never have to face these eventualities. (Of course, my mother-in-law was very pragmatic. She had all these details worked out YEARS before her passing. Me? Not so much.)
So now that you have slowed me down a bit, and I am thinking on it, I suppose it would have to be “ashes to ashes” for me. Where I live now there are grave yards everywhere. Alabama is a very old state! I do not desire to take up any more of it’s valuable land space. Besides, after 100 years who will remember me?
I think a scattering of my ashes in a place that my loved ones find meaningful to them is more appropriate. So now I better go write that down and get it notarized, eh?
xo,
~ Lynda
Thanks Lynda – the ironic thing is that Ants and I have a very honest relationship and yet, because he has been scarily sick for so long it has always seemed inappropriate to mention death – wish we had.
I understand.
Julie, you might consider at this point what would make you most comfortable. I am sure you have definite ideas on how you want to be taken care of in the end. Perhaps it would be easier if you do for him what you would desire to be done for yourself when the time comes? (Hope I am not being too insensitive here)
~ L
YOU ARE BRILLIANT!
I would also like to be cremated and my ashes scattered on the ocean… I used to joke that I wanted them scattered over Dadeland Mall (my favorite place to shop) 😉 I can feel your pain, and I’m sorry.
Thanks Greisy!
I have definite preferences because of a movie I saw once where a guy was told he could come back to life but he had no body to come back to life in, so he had to come back in another body – how very silly of me, and I do not mean to make light of this –I guess I make light when the topic is ever so slightly uncomfortable – would not want to be in your shoes – oh, the decisions we must make!
That movie sounds terrifying!
it was actually a comedy, whereby he was trying to convince everyone of who he was even though he was in a different body
Well that’s a bit of a mind-spinner!
It certainly is – anyway that is my silly reason for not wanting to be cremated – after all of the spiritual and theological stuff I have read on my “journey” I base a decision like this on a movie -can you believe it?
Why not!!!
Cremate me.. is what I want but not sure I would like to be asked the question later in life, my reaction would be “am I going, do you know something I don’t” it could be very traumatic…
Yes, exactly – it will scare the hell out of him.
It depends if there is a space in a family plot. In Scotland, plots can hold 3 coffins so there may be a space left in the plot of his mother and father. New plots are quite scarce now as most land is used for house-building.
The trend now is for cremations – I recently attended the funeral of a young work colleague who collapsed and died a few weeks ago (aged 25) while walking up the West Highland Way and it was a cremation.
That’s terrible about your colleague. I am looking into the whole issue today. Thank’s Jane.
I don’t know the answer for myself… never thought too. But, I think, I would have done same as you, about this form. Not easy I know, love, nia
Thanks Nia!
It depends. I want to end up in New Mexico, where (the last I heard) you can be buried how ever you choose. I think they have that rule because of the Native Americans who live in that state. I better doublecheck if that rule still applies.
I told my husband I want to be cremated. I want to make DARN sure he remembers that. I want my ashes to become part of the root system of an Oak tree.
I have this other wish, but it is a bit raw… well, if I’m dead, I’m dead, you know? Why not leave my corpse somewhere where I can be food for the wild animals? Just make DARN SURE I AM DEAD before you do that!!!! If I’m dead, what do I care?
The thing is, I do NOT want anyone I love to pay an arm and a leg to bury me! It is utterly horrifying how much funerals cost! I know a person who had to take a second job to pay for her mother’s tombstone. I don’t want someone I love to be put through that, once I’m dead and gone. I don’t want to leave behind that type of hardship. So I guess my request, on my deathbed would be – the easier [for you] the better. No extreme costs. No extreme problems [for you].
The cremation would probably be the easiest … IF my husband has the money. We are poor. He’s a Vietnam Veteran so I can bury him at the Veterans’ Cemetary for free. I don’t know if he could bury me, there, if I died first. My parents are buried out there. My Dad was a Sargent in WW2. He died first, so he was cremated, and buried there. When my Mom died, she was cremated, and buried with him.
Can you tell that I’ve thought about this subject, a lot?! :-\
I don’t know what I would do, if I was in your shoes. It would probably destroy me. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. It sadly is a part of life.
Take care!
Well this is so interesting because of how much previous thought you’ve given to it – how wonderful you are and many thanks!
I’ve been thinking about it for a LONG TIME. Thanks for responding! I was thinking about you, and this subject tonight. I think I want my husband to call the Veteran’s Cemetary to see about funeral arrangements, i.e., I wonder if we can make reservations! :0}
Thank YOU!
I don’t have an effin clue and I really don’t like thinking about it…I’m a chicken shit!
Me too!
But why are the nursing lodge asking some of these questions? Some of them don’t seem to be relevent to the nursing lodge.
Did I miss a post?
Maybe it’s just a standard thing after this many months – dunno!
Everyone who knows me, already knows that I want to be cremated. I’m not the most patient person, hate the idea of just lying around in a casket and deteriorating. I want the whole thing done and over with in as little time as possible. And I guess, actually, it’s easy to say, right now, that I want bad news straight up, unfiltered. But that’s easy to say when you think you can handle what life throws at you. Not so easy when you’re frightened and unsure.
Love your humorous approach to this – not a very patient person eh?
My husband thinks so, but caring is different than patience. I don’t snarl or maime, mostly, because I care.
I am working on my snarling habit!
Good luck with that. I mutter a lot.
This is a very good reminder to the rest of us Jules to have a living will. Yes, it was a necessary form for you to fill out and that the burden of making that choice for Anthony sucks ass. I hope you and Ming sit down when you get a chance and have this conversation so he does not ever have to make that choice, God Forbid, for you. I’m sorry for you friend…
love
R
Have already had the discussion with Ming and wish had done so with Ants earlier – argh!
for me – definitely unfiltered.
Ok – hope you’ve had the discussion with my bro. babycheeks!
Gosh Julie,
I would adore to be buried in a family plot, under a massive gum tree on the family property that would stay in the family forever and forever but seeing as we don’t have any of the above I think I would settle for cremation of my earthly husk and then being returned to nature in some way. In answer to your filter question, you know your Anthony best and judging by what you have already described, his peace of mind is paramount.
Jen
Thanks Jen – love your words!
Coffee, jam, steak, apple pie, cornflakes, roses, ducks, and most definatly Hawaii, just so you know! As far as cremated or buried, at that point, whatever is easier for my family, because by then I a will be in Heaven looking down. Hugs Julie!
Wise girl!
my personal preference is straight up. kind of odd in a way, most people think psychologists want to talk, ad naseum, about everything. if i were advising a patient it would be to have the whole conversation. sometimes talking about the scary bits brings it from under the bed and becomes much less frightening.
keep going with your heart. you are doing an amazing job of handling a horrendous situation.
I’m beginning to realize how much easier it would be to talk about such things when you are well and not sick – thanks again.
again your honesty in sharing will benefit so many others! what a gift to give, now it is on more minds to take care of this. having a way to open the conversation makes it just that much easier.
glad you found a way that works for you since in the end that is what matters. as some others have pointed out, it doesn’t really matter to me what he decides as i will be gone. we have talked about a memorial since i want to be cremated and over time his ideas have changed. my advise to him and to you is do what you need as once we are gone it is about the living and what they need.
Your opinion means a lot since you are in a kind of reverse position – thank you so much.
Oh boy! I know what my answer is but I’m not saying it on the internet. Of course your decision is a compassionate though painful one…
Yes – not easy.
If he is a practical man, which i’m sure he is, possibly he would go for cremation as it is practical … or perhaps he would want the same as his Mum, Inna.
Me I don’t want to be cremated because I don’t like the idea of burning but then people say ‘so you would rather decompose and be eaten by worms’! Then again if I died iin a plane crash I would have little choice ,,, and at the end of the day I guess it matters not too much.
Well said and I so appreciate your thoughts here Ingrid – so when are you coming to visit?
I’d love to … when is a good time?
Email me and we can set it up!
Mom and I talked about it a lot the last couple of years she was alive. Dad was buried in Iowa (along with the rest of their bridge club, as a matter of fact) and she wanted to be buried there. But, there are a lot of practical and legal problems with getting a body from one state to another – not to mention the expense. So, she decided that she wanted both – to be cremated, and then taken to Iowa for burial.
It worked out beautifully. I actually wrote about it – we may not have known one another at the time. You can read the post here .
I just read your beautiful post – thank you so much for the link – very hard to put into words how much I admire how you accomplished this….
Aye, easy 🙂
You what is wonderful though? You have so many caring people around here who’d willingly dress up as a banana to make you laugh (Yellow isn’t all that flattering for me
but hey, I could be a green banana!)
Anthony and Ming are very lucky people to have such a thoughtful woman in their lives.
once you go away, you’ve got to go back to the soil you come from. Whatever you think is best 🙂
I’d donate my organs and then be food to animals… except like someone pointed out, make sure I’m dead first!
Thanks green banana!!
Cremated with a doubt and spread my ashes. Land is far to precious to waste.
Okay – thanks!
Since you are making his decision, what can you live with, and what can you afford? He most likely doesn’t have the presence of mind to care. Sorry, Julie. Definitely a hard decision.
For me, it doesn’t matter. I won’t be in my body anyway but with the Lord.
True – and thank you.
Like you, I would rather take a guess than ask the question, Julie. As you say, why upset them unnecessarily? If a person’s never made their wishes on this front explicit, I suspect it’s not that important to them.
Actually you are right – people who really care one way or the other usually make that pretty clear earlier in life – good thinking 99!
Both me and hubby want to be cremated, it is something we have talked about but you know I have no idea how my parents feel about cremation over burial but I think it is cheaper to be cremated and honstly I think it is something I should know since one day in the distant furture I will have to arrange not that my parents are allowed to die but I know they will at some point in like 20 years time or something like that…………..
http://jo-annemotherandnanna.blogspot.com.au/
Wise word – many, many thanks!
Personally, I want to be cremated. However, some people feel very strongly the other way. I think in most cases, a direct question is best; however, your case with Anthony is not in the “most” category. My dad would never answer that question or anything else related to his death. This week, he was diagnosed with advanced Alzheimer’s, so it’s a bit late for him to be able to make that choice. Mom says she’ll make the decision based on what she has grown to know about him for the last 66 years. And, we’ll defer to Mom. (For those of us who still have our wits about us enough to make this decision, I believe it is unfair of us to leave that decision to our spouse or children – we need to tell them what we want, so it’s not put on their shoulders when we die.)
Yes – this has taught me to tell Ming anything like that when it comes to my own life/death.
My wishes are known by the people closest to me.
Then you were wise!
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Wow. I want to be cremated. But what a powerful post you’ve just written. God bless you, Julie. I think you’re awesome and I know your family does, too.
Tammy! Thank you!
Cemated and scattered at a lighthouse. If not a lighthouse, then throw me away!!
Barb
I don’t think you could ever be throwawayable!
Thanks, but is that a word?!! lol
Now it is!
I’m a “Cremation, please” guy. Then scatter my ashes one-third anywhere in San Diego, one-third somewhere on the Texas A&M University campus, and one-third at the Union Pacific rail yards in Omaha, Nebraska.
Well you’ve thought that out well!
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I’m terribly practical on this issue. Cremated, although I don’t really care if someone decides for me. After doing it for my Dad (where there was no choice–because no one knew he’d passed and the body was so decomposed), my mom piped up to be cremated. It’s so much cheaper, easier, and I actually like not having a burial site, but knowing he is part of the land he loved. I know everyone doesn’t feel this way, but it’s just me.
OMG re your dad.
I fully intend on being cremated, but before they do that, they are suppose to strip any and all useful parts and donate them. After that they can toast the rest, My wife, my daughter, and every friend I have knows it is my wish. Hopefully with it’s all done I won’t be stuffed in a box on the mantle. Great post, have great day. – Bill
Thanks Bill!
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