Anthony’s most frequent visitors at the nursing lodge are:
- me
- my mother
- his oldest friend
- two lovely men who used to work here
- one of our neighbours
- his boarding school buddy
- a few of his nephews
- volunteers
- Ming
But there are many friends and family who don’t visit him. To begin with I wanted to beg people to visit him, then I realized that was an unfair request and people are busy and have their own problems and stuff.
I have also begun to realize that it is a bit scary for some to venture into a nursing home to visit someone who has changed so much, who no longer seems familiar. Another reason people don’t visit is because it is just plain boring sometimes; even for me, and this is a terrible thing to admit, visiting Anthony is often like an obligation, a job, rather than something I look forward to with joy.
I have now figured out how to get our home phone number transferred to Anthony’s room in the nursing lodge, so in a day or so he will have both the problematic mobile phone and a ‘normal’ phone. I am hoping that this will enable people to ring him more easily. The mobile, despite being one of those big ones, with big numbers, is becoming too difficult for Anthony to figure out. He doesn’t hold it to his ear properly; he doesn’t seem to be able to charge it when it’s flat; he keeps fiddling with it and sometimes accidentally locks it etc. etc. so the ‘normal’ phone will hopefully be easier.
Hopefully.
But that wasn’t the point of this post – this post is to reassure people that (a) it isn’t that scary to visit him; and (b) if you can’t cope, that is fine too, and please don’t feel guilty because Anthony would hate that.
I imagine this is a situation that many people find themselves in, in one way or another.
jmgoyder 
Have I told you before how much I love how honest you are?
Truly? Ha!
yes truly. You are a breath of fresh air! I admire that quality. xo
I need to get more honest with Ants about the hard stuff!
it is true that sometimes people are “afraid” to visit people in nursing homes – it seems daunting – you certainly are trying everything you can for your husband
Well I have felt the guilt of not visiting other people in nursing homes so I know how people might be feeling about Ants. Also I guess the nursing home is seen as the beginning of the end which it is.
they are – but we all have to live somewhere and sometimes we need help
Your subject is a major complaint for everyone. The nursing homes ask for volunteers and visitors; the residents are very lonely for visitors and lonely/sad/depressed period; the families recognize the problem and beg for visitors. We did for Dad. Sadly, not many people take the time to visit their friends anymore. If you’re healthy, yes, everything is fine. The minute you enter the nursing home, friends drop like flies. It’s like people don’t know what to do or how to communicate.
Reminds me to visit my friend, Bruce, who has MS. He lives in the room that he shared with Dad.
Dad loved to throw balls – any kind of balls – so I took tennis balls and wiffle balls to throw with him. They were just the right size for his hands and easy for him to hold.
Memories…
I wish the schools would take kids in to visit the oldies. Didn’t that used to happen?
Love what you said about your Dad throwing balls – how fantastic!
I think some people look at situations like this and are ‘terrified’ that this can happen to them ~ or someone they love. It takes a lot of courage to embrace “what is” and I’ve found even with my own situation that with chronic disease, many choose to block it out – or look the other way. Some just are so sensitive that they can’t handle it. Everyone handles these situations differently — but I do hope you have a close knit support system around you Julie…and so glad you also have those who care so much about your and your family here on WordPress. xxoo
Yes, it is a tricky dilemma. Some of our friends actually apologize to me for not getting in to see Ants yet and I don’t want people to feel like that.
A lot of people are afraid of being around sick people. What will I say? What will I do? What if it’s awkward? It’s good to remember that the sick person is the same one you knew outside the hospital. They don’t bite and a few moments of silence or “not role playing” won’t hurt anything. Some people can’t handle being too real.
Yes I think sometimes even the silence is a bit scary for some.
To be honest, I think the above list is probably sufficient for Anthony to handle & converse with.
My Mother worked in nursing homes (as cook, although she might say chef LOL) for a number of years in her fifties. She told me so many stories of how sad it was that some people had no visitors, but she always stopped to chat to the residents for a few minutes, as she took around their morning & afternoon teas.
One lady always got excited every Wednesday because she was expecting her daughter to visit the next day, but the daughter never ever came in the time my Mother worked in that particular home for a couple of years.
I can understand how some people might be reluctant to visit as they might think that they have to do all the talking (with some misconception that because someone is in a nursing home, they are incapable of holding a conversation).
I guess the best people to visit are immedicate family and friends who have interests in common with Anthony.
Non-visiting family and friends might not realise that it’s ok to visit for just 15 minutes – they don’t have to stay for hours and flounder about for conversation after the initial ‘Hello and how are you’ dries up. Just the sight of a visitor might be enough for someone with fragile health in a home (or hospital).
As always you seem to have amazing food-for-thought ideas for me – thank you Victoria so much!
i definitely know what you are talking about here. every time Al is in the hospital, i think of all the things i could be doing but going there to visit and just sit, and all the times he is an impatient, how no one goes but me, but i think of how i would feel, if i was the one there with no way out, and i think of how fearful Al probably is in his mind set sitting there all alone, and so i go each day he is admitted for about five hours each day. after he eats supper, i go home, exhausted and wishing i would have stayed home………..
I hope it’s okay for me to say this but sometimes I think you give too much for Al at the expense of yourself – sorry just had to say that!
you mean the hospital visits?
Sort of – I meant everything I guess. I have had to learn to trust that Ants is okay in other people’s hands – very hard but necessary for sanity and self-preservation.
Julie, You are a remarkable woman… I like that you give people a way out form doing stuff which is probably something I need to do too. Sending you and Anthony hugs and love… Is that a picture of him with the ducklings? Sweet. 🙂
Yeah that’s Ants’ legs with Bubble and Zaruma when they were ‘kids’! Anthony was still living here then.
You are very amazing to me. I do this thing where I adapt to however the person in front of me is acting, and if I can’t mirror it, I become uncomfortable. Some people just have a clue when in this sort of situation, and you are the clue-est. Plus you obviously adore the man.
You are perceptive the way you can ‘read’ people.
Julie, what we don’t know anything about scares us … and that’s why some people find it so hard to visit anyone of hospital, at home or at nursing homes. We think we don’t know what to say .. how to act or behave … and everything is really simple – it will solve itself when we are there. Then we have stayed away too long and then the guilt becomes the biggest issue for us. This all down to we are scared, because it’s an unknown territory for us. I love your honesty and that you take things and people for what they are .. and don’t judge “wrong doing”.
Yes, I didn’t want people who don’t want to visit him, or don’t have time, or who are afraid, to feel bad because, as you explain, it is normal and fine and has lots of reasons. Thanks Viveka!
How true is this.. with my wife’s first cancer she appeared to loose friends.. some would no longer come near her as though it was catching.. her second and third cancers caused the same more and more stayed away..
We soon found out the problem when in a fit of temper I started to contact them, their answer, “Rob we don’t know how to handle it” now I would have thought that we would be the ones not knowing how to handle it not them… they all returned and were surprised to find the same person, no different, just she’d had cancer three times, so what, she’s not going to die any sooner than when the Lord calls her, so why stay away… the sufferers sometimes need the visits even if it’s just to have someone near…
I did that temper thing once with Anthony’s closest relatives but it only worked for awhile – a flurry of visits but now nothing. I am so glad it worked for you and your wife and that the friends returned. It must have been so hard for both of you.
Your empathy is showing again Jules. It is difficult for some and for all the reasons stated. It’s also facing their own mortalities and wondering “but for the grace of God…”. Not an easy or comfortable thing. Though one could hope we can put such things aside for the sake of the one we love, not often can it be done.
I volunteered as a candy-stripper in the small nursing home in my home town from the ages of 11 to 14, when we moved. Even for me, it was hard at times, but I will say that I never left there without a smile on my face, sometimes accompanied with tears, but always a smile.
I made one very special connection to an older gentleman who was confined to his bed and had lost his sight. I was assigned duties…but I made sure that every other afternoon, I set aside the time to go and read to him. He was a retired English teacher, was always encouraging me to “get into it Rhonda…sing those words!” I loved him, loved his friendship, and the passion that he held onto in a very passionless place.
It is hard, but for those who are willing to try, it’s fucking worth it. I’m gonna go cry now. Happy, sad, everything in between. Thanks Jules, for reminding me of this wonderful memory.
xo
R
Oh what a beautiful memory Rhonda!
🙂 It is
Maybe you could organize some friends into doing flash visits. People seem to feel “safer” in groups. And if they come to do something entertaining and surprising they won’t tie themselves in knots over what to say. Or how they will react. And Anthony gets to see people laughing and having fun and it bring a bit of the party/social spirit back into visits.
Brilliant idea – flash visits!
I think hospital visits and nursing home visits are almost always awkward–even for happier occasions, like new babies. Add the worry and confusion when a person isn’t “himself” anymore, and it’s really hard for some people. I understand that.
Yes and I understand too – that’s why I don’t want people to feel bad.
I don’t want to sound too judgemental but in situations like this I think people should just suck it up, get over themselves and visit! Sure it’s not easy and can be awkward but that’s not a good reason not to do the right thing. I am so glad I took the time to visit my sister-in-law’s beautiful mum in hospital a year or so ago, we spent a wonderful couple of hours together and just a week later she past away, sooner than expected. If I had kept driving down the freeway that day, and I was tempted “It’s getting late” “What will I say?” “I can’t be bothered” etc, I would have always regretted it. Time is short, you never know what is around the corner and the most important thing is our human connections.
Wow! Thanks for this Susan!
Yes I know it can be boring to visit someone in a nursing home, even though me and mum go and see nan at least once a week sometimes twice a week we only stay about half an hour because you can no longer have a conversation with nan whe we say I love you she will say I love you back or I love you too and that is about the size of it, To us if she looks bright eyed and says she loves us then she is having a good day, a bad day is when we visit and she just sleeps and won’t answer us and doesn’t open her eyes at all. My uncle Ronnie doesn’t visit because he doesn’t like to see her like she is which really pisses me off maybe it shouldn’t but it does, my nan always had such a big heart and was always there for everyone and when I look at her I see “my nan” not the old frail women she is who can no longer walk, feed herself or talk………..I love her and I will visit her till she is no longer with us………
You are one wonderful granddaughter!
Raw aqnd honest post, that’s our Jules. I so love that you are thinking what others may feel vs blaming them and becoming resentful that they are not visiting Anthony. .
I think that you are definitely on to something when you talk about how it may be awkward for some. I may be one who would have to fight past that awkwardness, but I would. If I was both your friend’s I think I would do it not only to visit Anthoney, but also to give my friend and her family a break.
This is an unwelcome job sweetie, having him home would have been continued had it been possible. Having to make sure that your day on the farm includes a visit into town, and although you go to see your beloved Anthony what you find in many ways is a stranger. It has to be exhausting and because it’s an everyday thing you would naturally feel pulled.. It’s much different than visiting a family member in the hospital where there is hope for healing. I’ll be as raw with my feelings as you are, it sometimes must geel like a responsiblity that never ends. And thankfully so, when the “job” ends a deeper sadness is on the other side.
You just keep on doing what you’re doing. your Ants is blessed to have such a fine woman, it’s a good thing he said those three words so long ago. He almost lost you!
Loove & blessings yours today BB
What a wonder you are BB!
In every way – thank you!
I can identify with these posts. My mother comes from a large family who all live nearby and only one of my cousins and myself visit. But funny story and appropros: I have one cousin who used to come by and visit but doesn’t anymore. He apologized but explained that it was easier to do in her earlier facility where no one knew him. But now she’s in his home town where everyone does. The problem? He runs the town nursing home and people freak out when he walks in nursing homes. So he and I made up t-shirt slogans like “I’m not here for YOU” or “Its My Day Off”, things like that. Sometimes you have to laugh. By the way, this cousin is also suffering serious health issues. Add him to your prayer list? Thanks.
That is so interesting and so ironic! I really appreciate you commenting like this and your wonderful honesty and humour! I will check out your blog – thanks so much!
Ooops, Sorry but I just reread my comment and I made a bad typo which greatly affects the story. So I’m changing it here and sorry about that:
I can identify with these posts. My mother comes from a large family who all live nearby and only one of my cousins and myself visit. But funny story and appropros: I have one cousin who used to come by and visit but doesn’t anymore. He apologized but explained that it was easier to do in her earlier facility where no one knew him. But now she’s in his home town where everyone does. The problem? He runs the town FUNERAL home and people freak out when he walks in nursing homes. So he and I made up t-shirt slogans like “I’m not here for YOU” or “Its My Day Off”, things like that. Sometimes you have to laugh. By the way, this cousin is also suffering serious health issues. Add him to your prayer list? Thanks.
(Now its funnier, right? But true.
That t-shirt idea is hilarious! Okay now I need your permission to see your PD blog – have sent the request.
It’s the awkwardness, I think, that keeps people away. AND, the usually less-than-comfortable environment in which to visit. Oh, yes, and there’s that powerlessness that people usually feel, because they can’t “fix” it…..
Yes, it is all those things – you are so right!