I have done too much crying lately so I decided to google ‘crying’ and I discovered this new word, ‘secretomotor’ which I rather like because (if I am spelling it correctly) it implies that I have a very special and secret (?) talent for it. In other words, I do crying very well. If I were to be assessed on my crying ability I would be given very good grades for this weekend’s attempts because I developed my whimpery, watery, wimpy secretions into a rather horrific howl. I did this in front of Ming first, then in front of a good friend, then today I performed for Anthony’s taxi driver who was so impressed he let me wipe my face on his shoulder. I am hoping he has some contacts who will turn my weeping into a wholesale business of wonderfully weary weirdness. I do believe I now have the key to a new reality show; after all, sorrow sells, especially when it is secretomotorish.
Today, the nursing lodge forgot to put Ants into a wheelchair to transport him home in the wheelchair taxi; then the taxi service forgot to pick Ming up from town as well so the driver had to go all the way back into town to get him. In the meantime our visitors arrived – a mother and daughter; the daughter is going to have scoliosis surgery early next year, so wanted to talk to Ming. The taxi driver got Ming back home for another fee then said he would be back later to take Ants back to the nursing lodge. By this time my crying was all curled up inside my stomach but I managed to cope even though Ants was giving me the shark eye look. My mother, who had brought our visitors, made coffee and tea for everyone and we shared our guests’ pastries.
My crying gradually became a clenched fist behind my laughter and my sunglasses and I wondered, in amongst the conversation, if I should just give up on Anthony or keep my arm around his shoulders. His silence out in the sunny garden made my eardrums thrum with that slow, quiet heartbeat of nothingness, so, pretending that all was fine, I saw our guests and my mother off, watched Ming motorbike off to milk the cows and helped the taxi driver get Ants into a seat. I kissed my husband goodbye until tomorrow, stepped out of the taxi van, paid the driver the bill and then, with no warning, I began to cry and the taxi driver gave me his sleeve to wipe my nose on.
Secretomotor skills have become my speciality lately but soon I will replace these with sunflowers.
Tomorrow is still three and a half hours away.
jmgoyder 
If I could put my arms around you I would. Instead I’ll say a prayer that you will be oven strength to carry your burden.
Wow – thanks!!!
Start digging the sunflower patch this morning, in fact dig piles and piles of sunflower patches, you need those sunflowers, get ming to borrow the tractor and do a whole field of the things.
Here is the smallest of funny stories to tell you. I found a big hole of dry fluffed up dirt in the okra yesterday and said Damn chickens. But As i approached I saw THREE long perfect peacock tail feathers. just laid out by the hole as sparkly as you please. Snapped I said! Then apologised to the Lone Ranger (a chook who roams by herself) who was inspecting the hole with me.. c
Okay – tomorrow is sunflower day I hope! Thanks C – you are a legend!
Julie — if I were there, I too would put my arms around you.
Tears are a vital part of coping with the enormous burden you are carrying. You need an outlet for your grief — and this is a good way to have it. So much better than ranting and raging!
I have a friend whose husband just had a very serious stroke. She’s 58. He’s 65. “This isn’t what I expected,” she said the other day. “I don’t have a rule book on how to cope with this.”
I suggested she treat herself gently. She too has been effected by his stroke — it is a huge shift for everyone.
And, I reminded her, crying helps. Crying releases the anger, which is a natural byproduct of things in life that don’t seem fair, or make sense, or that hurt.
I am sending you a virtual hug — I’m sorry I can’t do more! but if you ever want to chat, I’ll gladly send my phone number!
Hugs and blessings dear Julie. You are amazing!
Hi Louise
So sorry to hear of your friend and her husband’s stroke ordeal
I get worried sometimes that I cry toooooooo much – not always but sometimes like today
Many many thanks!
Julie,
I hope you can feel all the love I’m sending your way. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and Ill be sending you sun flowers all day!
Oh thank you so much!
secretomotor skills….the first word I saw was secret and often we cry in secret, don’t we? There’s a verse I remember and paraphrased it goes sort of like this, “Angels collect our tears in jars and rush them to the throne of God as a prayer.” My thoughts and prayers are with you Julie. Hugs. xo
Thanks Diana and what a beautiful verse. I am being ridiculously selfpitying tonight!
no Julie, not selfpitying…tears are a release…let them flow…let people take care of you. Really wish I could bring over a bottle of wine, cry with you, laugh with you and give you a big old hug!
That bottle of wine idea sounds good!
I’d probably cry that much too. You’re got a lot of grief. How could you develop new dreams without grieving the loss of the old ones? Someday you will, but not today. But please don’t let grief become a new way of life; you’ve got a lot to offer the world beyond your role as wife.
Yes, today I have picked myself up and your words about not just being the wife really got to me – thank you!
I understand that tears are a good release for pent up emotions. Reading this has sent tears rolling down my cheeks both for you and your family and also for my best friend who died last week after a 3 year fight with wretched cancer. I hadn’t cried for her but I feel much better now – thank you.
Oh I am so sorry about your friend – how terrible for her and for you – glad you could cry though. Thank you Rosemary.
You have my sleeve, my shoulder, my shirt whatever you need to cry on… cause I know you will turn round… with all the prayers being said for you… it has to happen… Hugs girl Hugs…
You are incredible – many, many, many thanks!
I am sorry you had one of those days. I hate those days myself. I had one Friday and could not kick it out the door with out the help of all of you. So I am letting you know that I care about you and I am hoping today is a better day for you
I love your idea of kicking a bad day out the door!
it is true, isn’t it? it has no place inside our own walls…….
Yes!
Hugs and a kiss I send to you dear friend, as words do fail me today.. Cry as much as you need. You are entitled.
Love you, Lynda
I am reading my comments backwards so just saw this – thank you Lynda and love to you too.
I need crying lessons Julie. I am not good at it…that can’t be healthy. And I just read diana’s post with the lovely verse about the angels… oh my — i really need lessons. I think my tears just stay inside. Big hugs — I so feel for what you are battling. It ’s so incredibly hard – and you are doing the very best anyone can. I am sure… Lets keep envisioning those sunflowers !! xxoo
If only I could teach you how to cry and you could teach me how not to.
You’re very good at being your own analyst. You’ll be fine, Julie!
I think so too – thanks Anneli!
That taxi driver owed you a lot more than a shoulder to cry on since he forgot to pick up Ming in the first place!
No, it wasn’t his fault. The taxi coordinator didn’t relay the message. I am cringing a bit now because of our tiny intimate moment together – argh!
I always reread psalms when the feelings of a situation overwhelm me – this one is the one that comes to mind right now:
You’ve kept track of my every toss and turn
through the sleepless nights,
Each tear entered in your ledger,
each ache written in your book.
I like to think there is value in our tears and aches and I take some comfort in the idea that they are treasured and even archived. They are also an important release that lets us continue on – like a vent valve.
As a child I watched as my Grandfather had to be the strong one during my Grandmothers nearly 3 decades of illness. The one time he shared his tears with me is so precious. It made him human and even stronger in my eye. I am hoping you find release in them.
Oh what a beautiful psalm – thank you so much! What your grandfather went through – it must have been terrible. I am sure the time he cried in front of you must have been wonderful for him.
I like to think it was. He was such a rock. The day he made the decision not to keep her at home anymore he came apart. He was never more special to me than he was that day.
I can really imagine how this was.
I’m truly sorry that you can. It’s not a part of the happily forever after that everyone plans on.
In some ways I think young people should be prepared for tragic contingencies. Ming certainly is now.
I agree, my brothers and I will sometimes push each other with the reminder that we need to do the things we love now while we know we can.
How … why are the smallest and most common things the hardest and toughest ???? Why can’t there be just a day where everything has a good float and joy, even if it’s a difficult situation you all are in. My heart is crying out for you – how much heartache does there have to be in someones life.
A new day today and I rang the taxi people and they are going to look into the mixup and hopefully I will get some money back!
Still … it want make up for the mess up – and the heart ache.
Hi Julie, I to looked up crying when Brad was sick! Though I might as well know more about it seen as I was doing so much of it. ( glad I’m not the only one that does these things) I remember once crying in the office at a Panel Beaters in front of, I don’t want to remember how many people. Sooo embarrassing .What your going through is so BIG that you can’t possibly cope with it all how you would prefer to all the time. Hence the crying and I am so glad you can cry. I think it helps. A big hug from me to. X
I’m so glad I’m not the only one who researched crying – ha! Oh I can just see you at the panel beaters and it breaks my heart.
I’m sending you a big hug my darling! My hubby was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in Feb this year and spent a long time in hospital ending up with a ten hour ‘whipple’ operation to try and get all the cancer. There was a lot of crying going on and when I’d stop – my sisters would start crying and get me going again!
They think they got it all – hence the road trip we’re now on 🙂 We’re living every moment to the fullest 🙂
Stay strong – big hugs to you xoxoxoxo
I am so happy that you and your husband are having this trip – bravo to you both and thank you for your lovely words here.
Sending big hugs your way and prayers heavenward.
You have a great soul (and nice shoes!)
I so appreciate you even more Jules. I love how you took crying into reasearch, research into sense of humor. I think you are brilliant myself.
You know those sunflower seeds? Your tears are giving them life, they are germinating the very seeds of your sunshine.
You are a poet!
🙂 No one has ever said that about Me before!
Well it’s true – your words were poetic!
Thank you my dear Jules. You are wonderful blogging friend. I think I will keep you!
Yes I’ll keep you too – haha!
Perfectly understandable, dear one. Sending you BIG Texas love tonight and praying for your peace. XO
Things are better today!
hugs hugs hugs
thanks thanks thanks!!!
glad to see you are laughing today! glad that Anthony still gets jealous!
He never used to!
it is never too late – a little jealousy is good, a lot isn’t
Very true!
Sending big hugs across the country, Julie.
I believe crying is good for you. It releases a lot of tension and deep emotions.
Unfortunately, the reason for the tears is not good for you,(or anyone else for that matter).
Take care my friend.
V
xox
Thank you Victoria – very much!
You can only hold back floodgates for so long, and then they give, and things gush. It’s part of nature. A release. But glad I read that laughter followed it. You washed the sorrow away, so there was room for joy again.
I just posted a few pictures of the birds’ contentment. I guess contentment is in between the laughing and the crying – dunno!
i cry easily too and quite frankly, i’m glad. cannot imagine keeping all of it in and it reminds me to wash my face everyday, otherwise people would think i had naturally stripped skin. and fyi jules…i think it safe to say that most who love you cry everyday with you, it’s our release of helplessness. wish there were more could be done than just this virtual hugging and xoxo’ing but there’s no virtual in crying.
xoxo (yeah i know, i’m a hypocrite)
U
A crying club perhaps?
Oh boy…I can see it now. This particular band of weeping wailers would likely spend more time laughing than crying, but I suppose that could be the point.
Ok…call the first meeting, we’ll be there. Dues are a box of kleenex and the uniform is long sleeves (in case we run out of kleenex). xoxo
Oh I just remembered to check you on FB – will do now!
i’m there…just hiding. hit me, i’ll answer!
What a lovely conversation with you Rhonda – thank you so much!
ditto my love…and any friggin time!!
Thanks sweetcheeks!
love that! 🙂
Dear Julie, if I were there, I would put my arms around you too… Love and hugs, nia
Thanks Nia – I have now accepted that it is going to be a bit of a rollercoaster from now on.