Tonight the argument escalated to a point where we are both terribly shaken at how ferocious we can be towards each other.
The Aga was off because we ran out of kerosene a few days ago so, instead, we filled the kitchen with the heat of our fury until words whimpered away, and our tears tore our anger into small shivers of hot shock.
My son and I looked at each other with black eyes, unblinking and hateful but then one of us blinked and we found comfort in the Chinese food I’d brought home.
I have just tucked him in – this Anthony clone, Ming – and he admitted that he is terrified of losing me in the same way he has lost Anthony, his father, to illness. My sprained ankle terrified and engraged him.
His rage was thunderous and his beautiful face was contorted into a thousand lines of teenage fear. “I can’t lose you too, Mum,” he said, shivering into the blankets I piled ontop of him.
He always starts ‘the argument’ but I don’t blame him at all for this – my fantastic son, Ming.
jmgoyder 
it is what we do when we don’t know what else to do, or how else to deal
(hugs) for both of you
Good day today! (So far!)
that is so sad, we never really know how we affect others by our own thoughts and decisions. i try my best, but i tell u, there are days i want to give up and throw the towel in, and then i calm down and have a few more good moments. i feel frail inside sometimes, but keep pushing forward
Yes, frail, me too!
Yes its bound to happen… a Mother will never understand what she means to a Son.. how many times do you hear people say of a daughter “she married him cause he’s like her father” forget it kids marry those that they love… but the love a Son has for his Mother cannot be replaced by a wife… take it from me. I’m a man who’s Mother is still alive at 89, and I love her differently to my wife … but there is a special type of love we have for Mothers… and that’s why we’ll fight with them… just know he loves you beyond any explanation that he could ever give you… Go well My Aussie friend…
It’s so beautiful what you say about your own mother – thank you so much bulldog!
I like this too, Bulldog. It’s lovely.
Oh Julie, this is so hard on you all. My children’s aunt passed away recently at 54 and every time I coughed for weeks my son looked at me terrified like I was next. I can’t imagine how hard this must be for your son. You are all always in my prayers.
Yes, it’s taught me a bit of a lesson.
Dang…it happens. Fear of the unknown is frightening. Beautifully written. You and he will be ok. BIG love from Texas…
Thanks Wisdom. I’m just glad we figured it out.
It took me a while to understand that my son’s fear came out as anger and argument. Once I realised this we were able to talk about our fears. Keep communicating Julie.
Yes it was good to realize.
Anger can be healthy. Ming’s dealing with a lot of stress and changes. It’s crappy when you realize that you don’t get a vote and have no control over things that deeply affect you. Loss is hard. I give Ming credit. I think he’s handling things remarkably well. So are you.
Getting there – thanks Judith!
Oh, this is heartbreaking. How scared he must be. How difficult it must be for you to offer him comfort. What an honest relationship you two have with one another. I love how you share both the good times and the difficult ones. You are a brave, wonderful mother.
~FringeGirl
I am very glad it is now a new day!!
It’s good that you can talk to each other. Maybe talking a little sooner would be a good goal, but at least you can talk. I can understand Ming’s fear of losing you, when he sees what’s happening to his father and realizes you are all he has. And those teenage years are so hard even without the load you both carry!
I didn’t realize how scared he was – so now I get it.
I love your depth and honesty. Beautiful post.
So many arguments with our loved ones are like this-and comes from the fear of losing them.i love the understanding that you express in the last sentence.
Words fail me, and I send you cyber hugs. I can’t imagine such “arguments” with my son.
J, you’re so blessed that you have each other … some times we don’t sing the same tune, but – our hearts do.
Your family has got to be the most honest communicators I’ve ever heard of!
You know what that says to me? It says that you know and trust in your love for each other. You can speak your truth and know that they know you love them. It’s a beautiful thing. 🙂
I’m just glad we figured out the fear thing. I couldn’t understand the sudden rages in the midst of his usual angelicness!
I’m glad you figured it out too. Hugs!
Julie, I’m sorry.
I detest arguing. It makes you feel awful, sometimes for hours afterward, but the cliche is so true. Making up is wonderful! I guess sometimes we just need to clear the air.
~ Lynda
Nice clear air this morning!
Hahaha! Right then!
I think you and Ming are amazing. It takes a very close & special love to be so honest with each other. I feel as I know Ming through your writing. I wish I’d had a son just like him.
How blessed you are with this child of yours.
At least we have now figured why he gets so mad sometimes.
Heartbreaking Julie — cried earlier when I read this and couldn’t comment till now. Your son loves you so much, and his feelings are so normal. It’s so much better to be honest this way — and then when stuff arises, you can reflect back and say — “ok…i get it …” I do this with my kids too. Sending you much love and but hugs…xo
It is so nice when the storm passes. Glad you worked through it. It is hard for people to zero in on what is bothering them, and until they do, it comes out in all sorts of ways. He sounds like a treasure.
Usually, when you look past the anger, and it takes a lot, there is an underlying fear, or hurt. That he can be comfortable arguing with you is a Blessing. Although to be truthful, I hate the fighting. But sometimes, you need to clear the air and find out what is at the bottom of it. I can see his point. As the daughter (where he is the son), it is very scary, and you don’t want to lose both parents. The fact that he cares so much and is downright nervous, while it may hurt you, he is giving you his honest emotion. I’m glad you had the clearing of the air, so to speak, and maybe, both of you can go forward.
Hugs, Jules, to you AND Ming!!!!
My husband and I are a bit like this. When I am upset with him, I think about it for a really long time without telling him. After all, I might change my mind, my conclusions might be wrong, my feelings might change, etc. When he can’t stand it any more, he picks a fight so that I will finally get so angry/emotional that I tell him what I’m really thinking/feeling. I suspect that on some level, that’s a bit of what’s going on here with Ming. He can’t really tell his emotions until they are so overwhelming he can’t stop…. It’s hard to hear, I’ll bet. Take care.
Children and parents fight it is normal but it must be frighting for Ming at times to worry he will lose both his parents so I can understand why he will lash out when he is scared and upset……..
Poor kid, he’s got through so much already and he’s carrying such a heavy burden. He’s so worried about you and he loves you so much. Has he tried to vent to someone who could help him, like a counselor? Sometimes venting to an objective, out of the situation person helps clear out some issues.
We only see the glimpses of him through your sharing and I would have to think you have a fabulous kid. A sensitive youn man. I celebrate you both Jules.
You are both going to make it. There is no doubt.
Tell me again how to pronounce his name. I know you described it on one of the other posts, but I forgot.
Menzies = ‘Mingus’ – not like Angus, but pronounced like sing us (a song)
ps. Anthony chose this name not me!
Thanks!
Fear is a powerful force. Glad you both are seeing past it (mostly).
You are both living with sadness and anxiety. Something’s got to give occasionally. The important thing is that you always make up again.