I finally got hold of Anthony on the phone this afternoon, and again this evening, and he was fine that Ming and I didn’t visit today. I told him about the counselling session and how Ming’s rage was against his illness, not him and he understood.
It is 32 years since I fell in love with him and nearly 20 since we got married and produced the beautiful brat. It has definitely been an interesting relationship which all three of us recognize, and the heartbreaking stuff is relatively recent. No – that isn’t quite accurate but at the moment I can’t talk about that stuff.
Anthony was always the absolute life of the party, the loudest laugher, a friend to everyone who came to visit. As a teenager, I was half appalled and half in awe of his amazing, charismatic presence. His ability to embrace friends and relatives in his big muscly arms. I miss those days so much and Ming loves to hear about an Anthony he never knew.
My beautiful, patient, resilient, suffering husband. Missing him is like being smashed in the face with my own clenched sobs over and over and over again.
jmgoyder 
I’m sending a hug your way. You’re so brave!
Thanks – my heart keeps on breaking over and over again and I don’t know how to stop this!
I don’t think you can stop it. I think it is part of the process. It will be better one day. My thoughts are with you.
Thank you NN!
Hugs Dear friend, Hugs… just remember to cry is to release tension… so don’t try to stop it… its a natural pressure valve of yours… use it… I tried to be too strong with Linda’s cancer and it didn’t help… its far easier to let the tear roll it certainly releases the pressure… (talking from experience)
Thanks so much BD – wish I could stop the tears – not good for Ming.
I feel your grief and wish I could hug it away Jules. Peace to you.
Melissa thanks so much!
It is so hard not to become a victim of this dreadful illness isn’t it. It is so all encompassing.It looks to me as though it is feeding on your lives. I suspect Ming is fighting this all the way.
My sisters and little brothers cannot remember a time when my mother was not sick or dying. Often I will surprise them with a story about her when she was younger and healthy and in control. They always look shocked as though they had forgotton there was a healthy mobile fast-driving Mum.
Maybe Ming needs something warm to cuddle, something young and alive and with a future he can see (not a girl – girls are trouble).. something that needs lots of care and that maybe he can take to work with him when it is a wee bit bigger. Not an emu. Some little tail wagger that gets into ordinary manageable trouble. Not a chicken. A wee bridge across the chasm. Just for him. A surprise. This is just a thought. An Old fashioned remedy for grief.
I don’t know. I wish I could help properly.
c
Hey that is not a bad idea! Thank you Cecilia for telling me about your ma and I’m sorry for the gutspill. Jxxxx
I am happy to hold the bucket.. c
Oh Julie, my heart is breaking for all of you.
I need to lighten up – sorry!
beautiful memories – though heartbreaking that you no longer have those things–at least you once had them–and you will make good memories again with your son, and even Anthony–they will just be different
(hugs)
Yes I think we are all very lucky in so many ways – I guess it’s just the difficulty of now/thank you so much!
the difficulty of now is hard to rise above — I know
I know you know and for this I am grateful and connected to you.
🙂 me too (feel connected to you)
Big Hugs Julie — I so understand… it is truly a period of mourning you are in… and yet physically Ants is still here.. has to be one of the most difficult emotional battles of all times. You are a hero – no matter what you say! xo
The mourning is exhausting and I am not a hero. I told you that if you said that again I would bop you. BOP!
Lots of love to you my friend. Jxx
Focus on the good times you had with him – it will help ease your heart a little.
Trying to.
i understand Julie…………………….two different lives within one person
Exactly!
This type of illness is very hard as there is the person that you love that you have lost that you are grieving for but you must do that in silence because there is still the person he has become that you are caring for. This is a complicated grief process and I feel for you deeply. I understand what you are going through as I have been through this myself.
Have courage, and keep smiling as I know you always do. Thinking of you. 🙂
Your understanding means a lot – thank you Elizabeth.
It never gets easier, does it? ((hugs))
It’s up and down and all around.
Glad you had your counselling and it went well, but your last words broke my heart. Hang in there.
Thanks Judith!
I’m sorry, love. Wishing I could be there to offer my shoulder. God bless you with His tender mercies today. Sending BIG Texas love over the waves…XO
Thank you Wisdom!
Oh, that’s heartbreaking.
Sending hugs.
So hoping you will find more joy to alleviate all this pain.
Me too!
Grief is so relentless 😦
Absolutely!
The sad part is that Ants seem to be aware of his situation. I remember the fear in my dad eyes when I woke him one morning. It was a lucid moment and he asked “Is there nothing they can do for me? What will happen to me?” When they get past this stage it is better because they don’t realize that is happening in their lives anymore. There is a wonderful support group that truly helped me cope with my Dad’s AD journey – http://www.caring.com Go to the “MY CARING” Section. There is a STAGE GROUP section. Hope you will find it as helpful as I did. Lots of hugs and good wishes for you and your family!
Thank you so much – I will check this out!