jmgoyder

wings and things

Are you asleep yet?

on November 9, 2012

Are you asleep yet, my beautiful husband?

Midnight approaches me with dark, unfamiliar claws, so I go outside to find some moonlight but it is pitch black out there and, when I can’t find the moon, I race back inside frightened.

The dogs are barking at a moonless sky but they will soon settle.

Are you asleep yet, my beautiful husband?

You said the other day that you just wanted to sleep wth me but you have forgotten that we have not slept in the same bed since the evening when you could no longer reach the height of the bed and I wasn’t strong enough to lift you into it, and we had to put you into the smaller, lower bed in what we always called the spare room.

I know.

I know you have forgotten those years of tortured, sleepless nights for both of us -, me in the big bedroom, you in the spare room but calling me, calling me, knocking on the wall with your walking stick until, finally I began to sleep in the other small, low bed in the spare room, so that I could help you during those moonful and moonless nights – to pee, to turn over, to be warmer, to be cooler, to get your knees inside the covers, to sleep….

Your dreams were terrifying and you would yell out in your sleepless sleep and I would lie in my bed next to yours hoping it would stop.

Is that what is happening now? Are you still hallucinating about the girl with the bleeding eye, the mob who are chainsawing all of your palm trees to death, the calves on top of the television, the phantoms in the dairy?

The peacocks are crying, crying, crying and their sound is a haunting lullaby.

Are you asleep yet, my beautiful husband?

Please say yes. All you have to do is whisper it and I will hear you, I will hear you.


36 responses to “Are you asleep yet?

  1. So poignant. I hope writing provides some solace for you.

  2. Robyn Lee says:

    Oh Julie ~ heartbreaking and yet beautifull too… but heartbreaks for your pain ~ I am sending you hugs from Boston ~ minimal internet here…leaving today…Please hang in – and keep writing …. xo R

  3. Greisy says:

    You have such a beautiful and tender way of putting feelings into writing. My heart aches for you. Hugs from across the world dear Julie…

  4. terry1954 says:

    Al also has terrible nightmares where he yells and even screams out. Sometimes I can understand him and others I can not. Sometimes it is so eerie, because I will hear this haunting laughter coming from him

  5. hugs and lots of them – you speak beautifully in your pain

  6. Colline says:

    I had tears in my eyes when I read this. May God be your strength Julie.

  7. tersiaburger says:

    Oh Julie!! Sleep tight and peacefully. Your beautiful Antz is in good hands.

  8. FacetsofLucy says:

    I can’t begin to top or add to what Robyn said. This breaks my heart for you both and for everyone in a similar place. There must be a plan for this much pain to be allowed to exist. Trust, I tell myself, trust. Prayers for you both.

  9. Paws To Talk says:

    Sending you Poodle hugs.
    Bella and DiDi

  10. viveka says:

    Julie, you write about pain, hurt, longing, love and longing in the most beautiful way.
    I can feel it’s hand on my shoulder …

  11. This made me thing of my nan why well because she will often say when I sit on her bed near her at the nursing home “ask pop to move” she says he is always laying next to her…………
    which he maybe since he passed away I belive he is there watching over her and waithing for her to join him………….they never slept apart till he went into hospital and she went into the nursing home…………

  12. I hope by sharing your pain it is lessened.

  13. elizabeth says:

    This is absolutely heartbreaking Julie. I too hope he is asleep and having sweet dreams of peace.

  14. robincoyle says:

    Oh my God, you made me cry here.

  15. Oh Julie it breaks my heart that you have to live this, I pray you have a good night’s sleep soon as well. xo

  16. victoriaaphotography says:

    Sending you more cyber hugs too.
    Vicki
    xox

  17. Reblogged this on Susan Daniels Poetry and commented:
    This is love, you guys need to read this

  18. mrs fringe says:

    An elegant piece of writing, perfect.
    Though I am so sorry for your pain and living loss.

  19. Judith Post says:

    Damn, you’re a good writer.

  20. pixilated2 says:

    When last we communicated you asked me which parts. Julie, all of it. Your writing is so honest. The hardest moments are raw at times, but your prose is a balm for these.

    I am always thinking of you, and send you many good thoughts and prayers.
    ~ Lynda

  21. janechese says:

    You have put a face to this disease like no other:the hopes, the fears, promises, expectations dashed, the joy…all of it.

  22. May the force uphold you!

  23. This is a beautiful heartfelt love story that you tell.

  24. Jules… there are no words… just a gentle hug..

  25. Fergiemoto says:

    Beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. I’m so sorry for all your pain.

  26. So heartbreakingly beautiful. So touching too. Wishing you all the best.

  27. FlaHam says:

    Julie, what a wonderful yet heartbreaking post. Each time I read of your relationship a tear forms in my eye, and my heart beats a little faster for you. You are such a wonderful writer and story sharer, thank you. Bill

  28. Andrea Kelly says:

    My heart breaks for you. This is absolutely beautiful.

  29. oldsunbird says:

    Oh Julie, this is so poignant. My heart goes out to you.

  30. When sadness is outpoured and shared, there is comfort. Julie, I hope you find the comfort you need in writing this – so beautiful.

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