If you care for a loved one who has an illness, your good thoughts might sometimes be criss-crossed with bad thoughts like the following:
– I’m so sick of you and this situation!
– You aren’t who you were and I loathe the way you are now.
– Thanks for ruining my life!
– Please stop needing me!
– Thanks for giving me the guilts!
– Why can’t you just die instead of suffering like this?
– I hate loving you.
I told Anthony that sometimes I felt like this and he hugged me close and let me cry.
jmgoyder 
Honest and raw. Thinking of you.
Usually I can cope and be cheerful but not today.
sometimes i am not too fond of you making me cry. it is odd that we often have the same thoughts and conversations. today i told him it would be perfectly normal to feel these things. wish he could sit on my lap and cry.
i love you for making me cry sometimes. this is one of those times:)
I was worried about admitting these feelings.
Julie..I can relate and those feeling lurk inside…good to get them out..Tough though…Diane
Not easy to admit the horrible stuff.
Well now that is saying it as it is… Hugs Julie…
The guilt is awful.
Yes, the criss-crossing of thoughts is a dilemma at times. I admire your honesty that the negative thoughts exist. You can’t really control them, and it is better to let them out sometimes.
Take care Julie. Thinking of you.
Glad I admitted to Ants. He understood!
I’m glad you’re able to tell him Julie.
I can’t tell my mum. She’s in hospital right now but only two days and it’s not a break because it doesn’t go away…when she was going in the ambulance I thought ‘let this just be it now’ but she’s coming home stronger and so it goes on.
I have just organised two nights away end of this week – can’t wait.
I just organized my two nights away this week too!
🙂
I wasn’t booked for any time off til July but this week has been tough..
words can’t be easy to explain sometimes… But you did honestly, actually this is the peace of yourself, while you are struggling and feeling so sad too… And yes, made me cry too, I can almost feel in my heart too dear Julie. Nothing easy in your own story. Love and hugs to you dear, nia
Thank you for understanding, Nia.
your honesty makes it easier for caregivers everywhere — ((hugs))
I hope so.
How powerful. Your love seems to have complete trust.
Strangely, the brutal honesty sometimes helps.
Ah Julie, there’s some emotional stuff going down right now.
It amazes me you don’t have to hide those thoughts. It’s like telling a kid, “I’d love to come home from work, be alone, and not have to cook for you and answer for every need you have.” Yet, he embraced you.
You have a beautiful, beautiful union.
Ants has always been much stronger than me emotionally, thank goodness!
I think that you and Anthony have the best form and expression of love, it is such a rarity. You are incredibly brave and courageous in your love and Anthony still has the foundation of what you love about him and shows it at the finest moments. I am sending you bubbles of positive energy. You are amazing. Hugs Jules.
Thanks so much for the bubbles!
Julie, we have rights to our tears … so much as we have right to our laughter … we have the right to hate the ones we love at time . we have the right to fear and feel trapped… you’re only human. You take and you give.
You are so right about our rights – thx Viveka.
Anything for you, Julie.
Julie, I cried with you this morning. It isn’t easy being the one on call 24 hours a day 7 days a week, even when you get away. I feel burdened by my father even though he asks so little of me. It is just a constant responsibility that one can’t let go. Peace to you! 🙂
I so appreciate your understanding.
It gets so hard each day to deal with doesn’t it…………I can feel your frustration. Happy Easter my friend
You too, Terry!
Reblogged this on Dealing with COPD and commented:
I want to share this post with my friends and those that follow my blog. These are simple, but so so very powerful words. I am also convinced that this confession is rarely made, that it is bottled up inside and fermenting upon itself.
Thank you Bill.xxx
Julie, You are so so very welcome. I printed it out to give to Steph (my wife), and hopefully I have the courage that Ants has/had when you came to him. Please take care, Bill
Julie, such a powerful post. I took the liberty of reposting this to my blog. Take care, — Bill
Don’t feel guilty. It’s the illness you hate – not the person.
True – thank you.
Painfully honest and powerful. My heart felt it. A hug to you. Paulette
Thanks so much, Paulette, for your understanding.
Of course I understand, I’ve lived it from just about every perspective. You wrote to a comment above that sometimes the honesty helps. When met with understanding, a non-judgmental listener, and one who also shares they know exactly how it feels, not from sympathetic cliche but empathetic experience, it’s supportive. It’s why good support groups work, like this one. You once wrote back to me you were glad I opened, that you were waiting for that, (I am pretty sure it was you on one of my posts). I never forgot that. It made me want to open to you more. You have a lot of good people here, human beings with all the emotions you expressed, we all have that in common. You’ve been heard and you are loved. It’s not easy what you’re living. Love, Paulette
What an extraordinary man, that he somhow was able to reach out from where he was an comfort you. A testament to all you are to each other. Thinking of you all xxx
Yes, he is extraordinary.
Fair enough.
The only thing I don’t understand about your post is this – how can those feelings/thoughts NOT be there on a nearly constant basis? I think you’re incredible, and I can see why Anthony loves you so much! Stay strong. Happy Easter.
Those feelings come and go. Happy Easter to you too.
Julie, that was not just Anthony giving you a hug. It was God hugging you for your honesty, courage, and generosity. Thank you for sharing. {{{Hugs}}} Kozo
What a wonderful comment – thx Kozo.
If there wasn’t times when you feel like there would be something wrong with you, the whole situation sucks……………a lot……………….
Yes!
You relate so well what I witnessed and experienced. Remember, there’s life on the other side; you will make it through. XO
I am so glad you were able to get that out. Kept inside will only make you sick and bitter. Your friends won’t judge you or blame you, we are just here to support and listen. I am glad Anthony was there to hug you and let you cry. We would all have done the same thing.
BE ENCOURAGED! BE BLESSED!
I don’t think you’d be completely normal if you didn’t feel that way once in a while. What I find truly remarkable about you and Anthony is that you share everything, including those feelings, with each other. And you love and respect each other to understand. I find you truly special.
I think being able to admit the bad/negative must help to keep up strength for the rest of the time but only a special person like you is brave enough to realise it and to do it. And, your post is yet another to help so many people realise they are not alone, and it IS okay!
You manage at times to take my breath away Dear Jules & Ants. Sending you both tender love & care ~
Sweet that the two of you can still support each other.
That is love
If people could be honest, with themselves, I think most caregivers have thoughts like these. I know I did while my Mom in law’s husband was ill. I felt such relief when he died, and felt so guilty for such an “evil” thought.
So good that you can put those feelings to words and understand and accept them as valid. Sending good vibes and sunshine through the atmosphere.