wings and things

When every day becomes yesterday

on December 3, 2013

When Anthony was home yesterday he kept talking to the television. I would come in and out of the kitchen where he was sitting (his favourite spot) and enter an already-there conversation. I was busy with washing and other chores (something I continue to do even if Ants is home, just to keep things normal-ish), but every time I came back into the kitchen he would be talking to one of his deceased brothers, or to the now-dead stove, or to the dogs on the table (hallucinations).

Ming cannot stand it – he just can’t. He says, “Mum, I love Dad but I just can’t tolerate him!” I understand his point of view; after all, he is only 19 and his dad is nearly 78. On the shy side of 50, I am in the middle of this all the time so, when Ants comes home – and I do this as much as possible – I leave Ming with him while I go to the toilet to cry. No, not self-pity – just so hard to remember how good it once was and how bad it is now.

I miss all of our wonderful yesterdays just as much as Anthony does. But Ming doesn’t remember and he has no recollection of Anthony ever being well. Every day, lately, he has asked me for a hug and every day I have given him a hug, even after our ferocious arguments, about the car accident, about many things….

Sometimes it is hard to be positive but I have enormous faith in both Ants and Ming and I think that is reciprocated to me. I hope so.


54 responses to “When every day becomes yesterday

  1. I adore your family. Yesterday was full of love, and it’s part of your today. So much love.

    • jmgoyder says:

      Parkinson’s is such a horribly slow disease – so hard for Ants to bear and so hard for me to watch, helplessly. Thanks for your encouragement – I was having a down day.

      • 😦 I totally understand you having a down day. Sometimes I feel like the words are so empty. I hope they never come across as empty. I feel for you and Anthony and Ming.

  2. mimijk says:

    I too have faith in them both – and enormous faith in you.

    • jmgoyder says:

      Not sure if I can keep my bravado up. It’s not that I am faking it, just that I am so stressed re the car accident. Yes, all will be okay in the end but there will still be a court case etc. All injured children are recovering but for some it it going to take time and this is hard for all of us of course, especially the parents. Ming wants to go to jail – he wants to be punished for his stupidity. Seeing lawyer on Fri. Thanks, Mimi!

      • mimijk says:

        I can’t even begin to imagine the stress you’re feeling, nor Ming’s belief that the only way to be punished is to go to jail. I hope the court feels differently, for he strikes me as a young man of incredible conscience. This was a horrible, horrible accident – the memory of which will live with him (and the rest of the family) for a lifetime. I continue to have faith in you and in Ming, and pray that the lawyer represents him with the confidence in this young man’s character that we all share. Hugs Jules, m

  3. Colline says:

    It is hard to watch someone you love so ill. I am sure that even though Ming says those words he loves his dad.

  4. camsgranny says:

    One step, one moment and one day at a time. Hugs…

  5. You’re in the middle in age but also in caring for both of them Jules – do something for yourself tomorrow? Something that Petrea King calls ‘fluffs you up’. Sending you a virtual hug but I wish we could sit and have a cup of tea and piece of cake together!

    Going to jail wouldn’t punish Ming any better than he must be punishing himself over and over in his head – I hope he’s having some counselling over this?


    • jmgoyder says:

      You are so kind to me! Ming seems to be coping much better than I am. We will get there in the end – good news is that all kid will be okay but one niece in horrible brace for some time. It is me who probably needs counselling!

      • It could probably help both of you. In saying that though, I’ve had a really positive experience with it in the past; and have also (more recently) met a hopeless one so…I shouldn’t really push it on people!

        I do think you should be kind to yourself in some way though, we all need time out at times.

  6. Rhonda says:

    You are bound to have days like this Jules, you are only human. Your true strength lies in your unyielding devotion to and fierce love for, these two wonderful men who depend on you. You take their hurts and their pain as well as your own, on shoulders that should be bent and bowed with the weight of it all…but they are not. These teary days are just a way to ease the pressure, lighten the days’ load a little, so you can carry on doing what you do best…loving them. Faith? You bet, in them, but especially in you…xoxo

  7. letstalkaboutfamily says:

    Bless you, Julie. You are carrying the weight of everyone’s problems. I can only send good wishes and prayers and that is what I will do. You are strong and will prevail with the support of you many friends.

  8. FlaHam says:

    Julie, I have been following you for close to a year now, and every theme is always based on love. The conversations you have shared via the posting have been filled with love and tenderness, even the conflicts have been based on love. Love is such a wonderful foundation. It will continue to carry you. Please take care, Bill

  9. Lynda says:

    Julie, I have no words of wisdom.

    I do have love and admiration for all that you do and accomplish each day. And I am with bodhisattvaintraining… you need some alone time for taking care of yourself. Is that possible for you to do?

  10. Julie, you’re a good wife and mother. HUGS>

  11. Jules, you definitely need a break, a little time for yourself. Just keep that in mind so that you can squeeze it in, when no one is looking. I feel for you both and for Anthony, each dealing with the same disease, of course in very different ways. All that I can give you is my friendship, my ear, my support and a lot of hugs.

    • jmgoyder says:

      Thanks Laurie – much better today although his confusion is much worse all of a sudden. As long as he is not distressed it is okay – just a bit weird! Jxxx

  12. My heart aches for you because I remember when my Mom slipped from being such a vibrant person full of energy and intelligence and such a support to me… .to a woman (after brain surgery for aneurysm) to someone who each year deteriorated and could not speak or reason or understand … and yet she was in my mind and in the many memories we shared and so for the last few years I was just ‘there’ as was she… but like you it did cause tears to flow … I think it is natural… It was too much for my children to see their ‘Nana” like she was and so didn’t visit her much … but like you… I understood ! Diane

  13. bulldog says:

    easy for me to say, but keeping a positive mind is the most important thing… but as I say easy for me to say… hugs to you Julie…

  14. janechese says:

    I appreciate that you can step back and see the bigger picture of what is going on and how it effects everyone and I am glad that you share this so we can see the bigger picture. Thank you.

  15. Nothing easy about love and Parkinson and a teenager in the mix. Thankfully, there are good days and good times along on this rollercoaster ride. Young ones don’t usually like to see aging and infirmity, where they are one day heading, but we growing older have more (hopefully) tolerance of it. Your heart, and tears, will see them both through, and yourself as well. That’s my sense of it all, my friend Jules.

  16. janeslog says:

    If Anthony is happy that is the main thing. I like the photo of him with the wee dog. Is it a Border Terrier? Don’t upset yourself. Instead think about how happy Anthony is. If he is happy, then you be happy as well.

  17. You are amazing– balancing the two men in your life! Keep up the strength.

  18. tootlepedal says:

    What a good point about the memories.

  19. It is hard for Ming, and will continue to be hard, I do not know how I would feel if I was in his shoes and my dad was only around in body and not in mind, but one day he will look back at these days and be glad that he had his dad around because before he knows it he will be gone and he will miss him more than the does now.

  20. cecilia says:

    there will be a court case? who the hell is pressing charges? how bloody awful.. i know that this will all pass, and a judge will surely throw it out and all but REALLY! just cry honey! it won’t hurt. then you will mop yourself up and get back to work… c

    • jmgoyder says:

      No-one is pressing charges in the family – but the police charge is five counts of dangerous driving causing bodily harm because it’s illegal to have passengers in the back of a ute. Apparently if it had been ‘reckless’ driving or ‘grievous’ bodily harm he would be in jail. Day by day. All of the kids recovering well now so that is the main thing.

  21. It is hard for you at the moment. You are in this transition phase of coping with Anthony’s decline in health and now life has thrown another curve-ball. Whenever I get thrown curve-balls I go back to basics. One day at a time. One day at a time.
    (That, and time in the loo crying – I am with you on that one).

  22. Terry says:

    my heart aches for you as I know how awful it is when the memory fails. I am so sorry for all you have to go through, but proud of your strength

  23. you know, sometimes life is just the pits–I know these are not wise or pithy words–but darn it–it is time for you to have some good times–well past time–what more are you supposed to deal with–I too know how overwhelming life can be sometimes, but we trudge on–sorry this is not more positive, but I am ready for some good times and so are you!

  24. you are like the beautiful tight rope walker, the onlookers see her bravery. if they looked closer they would see her fear. big hugs and love to you my friend.

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