wings and things


on June 12, 2015

Tonight I am in a state of such grief about Anthony that it is as if my eyes are inventing tears over and over again. I know he is cared for, and popular with staff, and I know he has gotten over his terrible fear of the hoist but of course I still worry.

Mostly I can manage the grief, but sometimes I just have to succumb to it by crying and crying and crying until I, once again, reach a point of acceptance, and the anticipation of tomorrow when I will see Anthony again.

Ming and I talked about it tonight – this grief thing – but we were unable to come to an agreement about how to cope. We both love Anthony so much; we both feel guilty to have placed him in the nursing home; but we are also happy that neither of us has the burden of care anymore.

We can just love Anthony now and that’s what I said to Ming tonight. But the grief is potent and present and debilitating.

I just hope that Anthony knows how much I love him, even when he forgets who I am.

Grief has gutted me lately, but it’s not going to win!

59 responses to “Grief

  1. Oh my friend, you feel so deeply. Those you love are so lucky! And I feel lucky to have someone who shares her joys and grief, her celebrations and her disappointments. Through your blog I have learned so much. Thank you. Wish I could come and make you feel better–instead I will send you a few virtual hugs () ()

  2. My heart is sending you love, energy and huge hugs with enough to share with Ming 😀 xxoo

    • jmgoyder says:

      Even though I have always been able to see our situation through Ming’s eyes, catching a glimpse of his own grief kind of did me in. All okay now xxx

      • I am so glad that all is better, but it is very cathartic to be able to open up the floodgates and let out all of the emotion . As a fellow mother I can only imagine the pain you must feel when you see MIng’s pain, on the flip side, the relief you must feel when Ming emerges from the other side, stronger than before, has to instill so much pride in the young man he has become. I am always here for you Jules 😀 xxoo

  3. susanpoozan says:

    So sorry your grief overwhelms you at times, we all have to grieve in our own way to get through it to the other shore. You are strong, you will get there however hard the journey.

  4. Terry says:

    Each of us deal with grief in our own personal way. When Al was in the nursing home for those six months, I worried about his care every day. I spent every day there with him for periods of hours. When I brought him home, i worried about if I was doing enough, saying enough, speaking on his behalf enough, taking care of his pain enough. Get the picture? We love our family members, but maybe even more when one is sick like Ants and Al. I was very defensive about my brother. No one could care for him better than me, so I thought. It drained me. It is taking over a year to heal and come back to better health, but you know what? I wouldn’t trade one tiny thing. For now, I have every memory. So dear Julie, cry because it helps, visit Ants every day you can. Love Ming and always remind him, and most of all, live each day like there is no tomorrow. Love you my friend. Don’t carry guilt and sadness, carry gratitude for having Ants with you for this day.

    • jmgoyder says:

      I remember your posts about Al and the nursing home and your feelings and doings and wonderings and I love the fact that you wouldn’t trade one tiny thing. Much of the way I cope is due to your example, Terry.

  5. Amy says:

    Julie, Grief is a funny thing the way it sneaks up on us, and all the logic in the world doesn’t make it feel any better. I can feel how much love you have for Anthony, and with that love comes the overwhelming grief. Hang in there. Hugs to you.

  6. No matter what Julie, Anthony’s love recognizes your love. I have no doubt. And the same with Ming and his father.

  7. Julie, my heart is heavy with yours. Please know that I reach out to connect with my heart and hand. I believe that our loved ones know even through the disease that we love them with our whole hearts. I had a bad weekend last weekend and I know how the grief can try to swallow us. But do not let it win, but do allow the tears to fall, the grief to be felt and the peace that comes afterwards to embrace you. I am thinking of you and Ming and Anthony. Sending you healing hugs. xo

    • jmgoyder says:

      It’s a new day today and in a couple of hours I will be meeting my niece’s first baby so am excited. Re grief, you are so right in just accepting it, allowing the tears, then feeling the peace. Thanks so much for this xx

  8. Luanne says:

    Hugs to you, Julie.

  9. Julie.. you’re in a ‘constant’ feeling of grief…. the kind that is felt with the loss of a loved on… You haven’ lost Anthony in the true meaning… but he’ not the same as he was ..he’s not in your home with your son and you.. and although his mind is not the same either, he could and I think does know when you’re there and who you are,

    Many times it’s been said that when a person in in a coma and loved ones are in the room and speaking to them… when they come out of a coma they repeat some of the things spoken to them. The mind is a truly wonderful thing and we can never know what another person is thinking …

    And I’m thinking of you all too, and continue in prayer…. Love Dianexxx

  10. Trisha says:

    I’m sure Anthony will always feel your love for him, even if he forgets who you are. Love is such a powerful force and your love for him is so strong. He’s going to feel it. Big hugs to you. Sending thoughts and prayers for strength your way.

    • jmgoyder says:

      He hasn’t yet forgotten who I am but he sometimes looks at me strangely when I enter his room until the flicker of recognition kicks in.

  11. My Heartsong says:

    Sometimes in my experience, grief seemed to go on forever, then there was a pause which for me was a relief. My heart is with you and others at this time.

  12. ksbeth says:

    i’m sorry, and know that these feelings will come and go. in putting him in the care of other caring people, you have shown your love, knowing they can be there 24 hours to care for him in the way they were trained to do, it was an act of love, not of abandonment. and mark my words, he knows he is loved. hugs –

  13. Sending you a big hug and good thoughts. Hope in some small way it helps. This can’t be easy for you.

  14. Judy says:

    The reason you are “gutted” is because grief is hard to stomach. Anticipatory grief is very real. Grief is definitely a shadow and a “no win” situation. I’m so sorry, Julie.

  15. Oh Julie, Anthony knows. He knows. ❤ Hugs for you my friend.
    Diana xo

  16. Vicki says:

    Grief is Real.
    It’s a natural process that we all have to go through at some point in our lives.
    The best way to deal with it is…….let it in.
    Allow your mind, body & soul to process it.
    If tears help, then use them as a ‘treatment’, don’t reject them as an adversary.

    Years ago when I went through months of terrible nights filled with pain – both mental and physical – a good cry did wonders. The relief was enormous.

    Its not about ‘winning’ or ‘losing’.

    Life is about Balance.

    Allow yourself the relief tears bring. Allow that grieving in and be refreshed and reborn for the next round of loving and caring for Anthony. May I suggest Ming do the same.

    If you find yourself angry with the ‘unfairness of it all’, tie up a bundle of old newspapers and belt the guts out of them with a broom or stick.

    Let all the pent-up emotion out and beat the shit out of the newspapers, not the love, compassion and caring out of your emotional self. Not the tears of natural, (and very understandable), grief.

    Thinking of you during these difficult times.


    • jmgoyder says:

      Vicki, this makes so much sense – thank you! The big cryfest last night did result in relief. It is so good to have your friendship and I get all humbly that, having gone through your own ordeals, you can even be bothered with my current self-pity! Thank you xx

      • Vicki says:

        My own ordeals are nothing in comparison to yours, Julie.
        One can deal with one’s own pain…’s the suffering of the ones we love that is so hard to bear.

  17. Grief is normal, it is good to cry and clean out ones soul, as you said he knows who you are and that you love him and he is in the best place and is well cared for

  18. JodiMelsness says:

    Grief is with me too. My mom has been gone six weeks. I think, speaking from a daughter and nurse, you have to let go sometimes. We want to be there and help our loved ones but we can’t do it all. Did I worry? Yes, but they know you love them. Though they can’t say it, they know. If I was the one sick, my mom would care for me as I have done for her. I always tell families, do the very best you can. It’s hard, I know it from both sides. Bless you and your family.

  19. Rhonda says:

    Whatever comes, whenever it comes, let it happen. Holding it in, or trying to be stronger than your emotions is exhausting. With you in spirit my friend, holding your heart in mine. Love you Jules…xoxo

  20. Much love – I think of you so often though I have been quiet lately. Itty Bitty.

  21. dogdaz says:

    He knows. So sorry for your pain.

  22. My heart aches for all three of you.

  23. janeslog says:

    Try and think of a happy event from the past to make you less sad.

    Cheer yourself up by looking at this video of a Koala bear with its mother.

  24. tersiaburger says:

    This is such a terrible journey and it seems never-ending. The question is “Can you do more or better for Anthony than you are?” If the answer is no (as is the case) then you have done your best. My dear friend, you CANNOT care for your precious Ants the way they do at the Care Centre. In hindsight, I now know I did Vic a grave injustice keeping her home in her final days. I have made peace with the fact that, at the time, I was doing my best. It is all we can ever do – Our Best. When we have loved deeply we grieve deeply. The time will come that you will pray for Anthony to die… because you love him so much. He may not recognise you but he will recognise the emotion – It will make him feel safe. I used to wake my dad with coffee every morning (I had read that Alzheimer patients wake up in a strange room every time they wake up). He often said “I don’t know who you are but you must love me very much. I see it in your eyes”

    Feel my love and support over cyberspace. You are a remarkable mother and wife. You have done your best. I salute you for the love you have for your husband.

    • jmgoyder says:

      What an absolutely amazing person you are, Tersia. Thank you so much for this encouragement and your honesty. You are an example to so many of us. Much love Julie xx

  25. Let your tears flow when they need to, Julie. Sending hugs and loving thoughts. ❤

    • jmgoyder says:

      Thanks Jennifer. I think you’re right – you have to just cry and live the grief until it passes I guess and it has passed for the time being phew!

  26. Sometimes you just need a good cry. It’s good and cathartic, and releases the pain in your heart for a while.

  27. jmgoyder says:

    I agree and thank you.

  28. Tough stuff. I’m sorry. But sometimes you just need to cry!

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