jmgoyder

wings and things

3am

on November 6, 2015

Sometimes I get up in the early hours, usually around 3am, and I watch some television, or reminisce myself back into sleep mode.

It is impossible to express how much I miss Anthony being here, in this house, on this/his farm; ‘longing’ is the best way I can describe it.

Often, my heart is tugged awake by this longing and sometimes I feel absolutely desperate to see him.

But sometimes I just don’t bother; I press my face into the pillows and try to avoid the day; I swallow the guilt with a glass of milk; I tell myself that he is in good hands; I sob.

Longing is a weird emotion; its nostalgia cuts into the throat of love, slicing page after page into new, fresh coherent sentences.

It is 3am. I am 15 kms away and wide awake.

I love you, Anthony.


25 responses to “3am

  1. tersiaburger says:

    My heart breaks for you my friend. Much love and hugs xxxx

  2. Terry says:

    I used to get up all hours too of the night. I still do but not as often. Life has and never will be the same and I notice it more in the evenings

  3. I love this love. And across the world feel this suffering. ❤

  4. tootlepedal says:

    After years of conversation, having no one to talk to must be extremely hard. If Ally is away even for a day, I find that my life is diminished but not being able to share thoughts and ideas….and old jokes.

  5. Judy says:

    You really are in the worst kind of limbo. You are faced with emptiness, but this is not the time where you can address or fill it. You’re just watching everything fade away from you. Trust me, one day you will slowly fill the space, but for now you are finding your strength and courage to cope with this loneliness. It is temporary, but knowing that doesn’t make it any easier. Hang in there, my friend.

    • jmgoyder says:

      It’s okay – just a little fall.

      • Judy says:

        And in my area, it is Fall! Actually, another great metaphor I can think of is “sink.” You’re floating now and every so often you might go under. But you quickly bob right up to save yourself. And one day, you’ll swim to a new shore and discover a whole new beautiful place. Floating isn’t always easy and you can’t fight the current. But trust that you will be okay – you will! 🙂

  6. susanpoozan says:

    I think you were born missing a couple of skins, you are such a sensitive plant. I hope sharing your grief and loneliness with friends does help to diminish the burden a bit.

  7. I think that 3 am is the loneliest time because you cannot pick up the phone or drive into town.
    The emptiness becomes so real.
    Thinking of you Julie.

  8. What is it about 3am that makes it a time of reflection and usually with a sense of anxiety over something missed or missing? Hang in there. Hugs.

  9. Judith Post says:

    This was just too damned beautiful. I don’t think midnight’s the witching hour. I think it’s 3 a.m. That’s when all those thoughts we’ve tucked somewhere unfold with their own kind of power. Hang in there.

  10. Hard things. 😦 May you be blessed in a kind way today.

  11. Yes those early hours would be some of the worse the house is quiet and he isn’t there and you could have moments of feeling so alone

  12. I feel your longing. Incredible writing.

  13. Amy says:

    This tugs at my heart strings and I can feel your longing.

  14. i guess i think of him as sort of gone but not gone and i don’t know how i would handle that. when chris goes away for one or two nights i am such a baby i can’t even sleep in our bed. you are an amazing and brave woman whom i admire greatly!

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