jmgoyder

wings and things

Do you want to be buried or cremated?

Do you prefer coffee or tea, jam or honey, steak or chicken, pavlova or apple pie, weetbix or cornflakes, roses or camellias, ducks or chickens, Hawaii or Vancouver?

I don’t need to ask my husband any of the above questions because I already know the answers, but I have no idea what his answer would be to the question that is the title of this post.

And I don’t care what anyone says, I am not asking him that question because he is already so anxious and homesick and probably really scared, so I have had to take a punt and make a guess.  I signed the rotten form and put it in a rotten envelope with my rotten letter of thanks and my rotten poem and gave it to rotten Ming to deliver today.

So my question to anybody reading this is not about whether you wish to be buried or cremated (although I am curious), but whether you would like this question filtered or unfiltered.

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Common sense

Over the years I have developed a sense for when I may need a little psychiatric counselling. Here is an example-

When, on seeing a pink toenailed foot hanging out of someone’s boot/trunk, and the car with the foot is just in front of you at the fast food drive-through, you get out of your own car, go to the passenger side of the possible psycho’s car, open the door, ask him to turn his music down for a moment, get told to F#$##$%#%#$% off, shout to him, “I think you have a body in your boot,” go back your own car and quickly write down the licence plate of the psycho’s car, tell the fast food people (and order food), get home, ring the police who laugh and say it’s the latest craze – buying plastic body parts and sticking them out of car boots.

Okay this happened a few years ago when I was young and naive but I have never forgotten Anthony’s response when I got home all traumatized.

Anthony: So you thought there was a dead body in the guy’s boot so he must be a murderer but you still got out of your car and asked him to turn his music down so that you could tell him there was a foot hanging out of his boot?

Me: Yes.

Anthony: This reminds me a bit of when you went all the way into town to buy something to unblock the sink when it was just that you left the plug in.

Me: And?

Anthony: Well you don’t seem to have a lot of common sense.

He was right – am still struggling with common sense – argh!

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My silent husband

Against all advice from friends and family, and against my own decision not to bring Anthony home anymore, I did so anyway today.

I couldn’t not. I couldn’t not.

During the drive home Anthony was utterly silent. It then took awhile to get him from the car onto the front veranda, even with the new walker the nursing lodge let me borrow.

It was sunny to begin with, so I brought Anthony a drink, sat with him for awhile, then went inside to heat up the chicken soup I’d made him. When it got cloudy outside, I had to bring Anthony into the kitchen which took ages because his meds hadn’t kicked in. I put the heater on because he gets so cold all the time. All of this was silent except for me saying, “1, 2. 3” to help him walk.

I served Anthony the soup but couldn’t eat any myself because I was feeling weirdly nauseous, and terrified I wouldn’t be able to get him back from inside the house to the car to take him back to the nursing lodge in time for his next meds, and in time to pick Ming up from his music school.

The day was filled to the brim with silence. I kept saying, “Why don’t you talk to me anymore?” and Anthony kept trying to, but couldn’t.

Little snatches of conversation happened, but I had to instigate them all because Anthony seems to have forgotten how to converse.

Anthony only uttered one beautiful sentence as I was getting him into the car to go back the nursing lodge, and that was about his guinnea fowl who seem to congregate close to him when he is home, even when he is silent; they seem to sense his presence. “Look at them, Jules,” he said, with his new quarter-smile.

They were our first birds and they are very noisy, just like Anthony used to be – loud and laughing and utterly lovable.

Otherwise, it was all pretty quiet today because Anthony’s silence was deafening.

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The snarl of Parkinson’s Disease

I remember the day that Parkinson’s Disease first snarled its way into our lives. We were going to the doctor’s for a regular appointment for skin cancers on Anthony’s face and I was extremely annoyed that he wouldn’t drive himself into town (this is nearly a decade ago).

Me: Why the hell won’t you go anywhere by yourself anymore? I feel like a chauffer. It’s my day off and I wanted to do other stuff and now I’m stuck driving you into the doctor’s because you were stupid enough to not wear a hat all your life.

Anthony: I just like your company.

Me: Well, I like your company too but I just don’t get why you always want me to drive and be with you every time you have to go somewhere. I don’t get it! I’m sick of it!

Anthony: Jules, I don’t think I can drive anymore.

Me: What? Since when? What are you talking about? Of course you can drive!

Anthony: Something’s gone wrong with my reflexes so I need you to drive me.

Me: But you’re not that old yet, Ants. Come on, you can drive. What is it? Have you lost your confidence or what?

Anthony: Ever since that time we went to Perth and I went up a one-way street and you screamed – remember?

Me: Oh, so it’s my fault is it – that’s just great – thanks for the accolade.

Anthony: Jules, please don’t cry.

Me: Do you think something else is wrong with you then?

Anthony: Yes.

An hour later, our doctor determined that Anthony probably had Parkinson’s Disease and I swallowed my snarl.

45 Comments »

A turkey called ‘Bubble’

Yes, I am over-posting, sorry. I am wide awake with anxiety for a friend who has been in a car accident and for the people in Colorado. I don’t know what to say about any of this so I revert to talking turkey trivia….

In the forefront, you can see Bubble approaching me for a hug.

Now, Bubble is right next to me on the table, looking very huggable.

Bubble was rather cute when he was little.

It was Anthony who wanted turkeys and here is a picture of our first Bubble who didn’t survive. And, a few months later, Anthony began living in the nursing lodge.

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Saying ‘I love you!’ to a stranger

Okay, I don’t do this all the time but today a woman behind a counter served me with a smile even though she could see the desperate, psycho look in my eyes.

“This is a mobile phone,” I began (which, in hindsight, seems a rather obvious thing to say as I was in a mobile phone shop).

She smiled, patiently and asked, “And….?”

“Well we bought it from you guys and it belongs to my husband who is in a nursing home and it’s supposed to be easy to operate but he can’t answer it before the five rings and I want the message thing eradicated and I have brought it back twice and rung all of those numbers and followed all of the prompts but I still can’t get the stupid thing to ring more than five times and all of his family and mine are going mad because nobody can get through to him and twice the stupid message my son put on my husband’s phone has been eradicated but it keeps returning like some sort of phone ghost and….”

“Would you like me to take a look at the phone?” she asked calmly.

“Yes, okay,” I said uncalmly, “but we have been here before and done this before and honestly I am really going insane and people are getting angry with me because they can’t get through to my husband even though I have changed all the settings and my brilliant son has altered all of the thingys and why won’t it work?” By now, Ming, having had a nice chat with someone he bumped into, was at my side whispering to me that I was getting a bit loud.

During my little rant (and I wasn’t really that loud), I had half noticed that the woman serving me was pressing buttons on her phone, our phone, a computer, another phone, and another computer, at such astonishing speed that for a moment I thought she had 50 fingers. And then she handed me the phone, demonstrated how it would now ring out before cutting into the stupid message bank thing, and my whole body wilted with relief that finally this ongoing problem was solved.

But, just before I decided to smile back at this woman who I now felt resembled an angel, I said, “But we’ve done this before and it reverted back to the same problem, so how do we know it’s going to work for sure this time?”

“Oh,” she said, “I have the code, so it’s quite simple. You won’t have any more problems with this,” she said, again handing me Anthony’s phone and glancing at Ming in a way that indicated that (a) she’d had enough of us, and (b) she admired him for coping with me (yes, I  really did see that kid-versus-parent-empathy, flick of the eye-lash exchange between them).

OMG – the phone was fixed? After all my struggles with it? A miracle.

“I LOVE YOU!” I whooped at the woman who had served me, and she smiled with the joy of her job and waved us goodbye and then I let out another whoop of joy as Ming and I left the shop to go and take the phone back to Anthony.

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Lethal lethargy

It has crept up on me a bit – not the lovely, luxurious lethargy that our birds can afford, but a more insidious, tap-dripping kind that, this week, became a pouring leak.

On Monday, Ming and I had planned to go into the local town together to do some jobs we had been putting off; I cancelled our arrangement.

On Tuesday, Ming and I had planned to go into the local town together to do some jobs we had been putting off; he cancelled our arrangement.

Today, Ming and I had planned to go into the local town together to do some jobs we had been putting off; we cancelled our arrangement.

It was the ‘together’ aspect of the above that we were both intent on doing; the job/errands didn’t matter as much. But we failed. Ming did his own thing and I did mine and we hardly spoke to each other except to express mutual disappointment – mostly his for me and I don’t blame him …

one

little

bit.

I was feeling a little desperate because I couldn’t seem to crawl out of this lethargy that is so disillusioning for Ming because he wants me back the way I was before, in much the same way I want Anthony back the way he was before. The latter is impossible, but the former isn’t and …

before

is

before.

Ming doesn’t come with me much to visit Anthony any more (visiting Anthony is about the only thing my recent lethargy hasn’t strangled), so I do that by myself but I often come home with the sadness and Ming cannot stand it and this is …

perfectly

devastatingly

understandable.

It is hard to remember when we last laughed in ways that weren’t forced or cynical or a tiny bit hysterical.

I finally got myself to do something social today and went to my neighbour’s place for a coffee. Ming was so concerned that I wouldn’t venture out that he stood on the front veranda and waved me off as if I were going to climb Mount Everest!

When I got to my neighbour’s house, we didn’t talk about my lethal lethargy because it didn’t need to be said. Instead, with her delightful daughter-in-law, we chatted about a whole array of topics and neither of these fantastic women asked me the dangerous question: How are you? I was, I admit, terrified that this question would come up and that I would cry and make a fool of myself.

My neighbour took the lethal out of my lethargy and, without even knowing she did it, injected me with her …

warm

undemanding

energy.

Thanks, Kaye!

54 Comments »

The scariest word in the world

This word keeps launching itself at me like an army of arrows because it knows how to multiply itself.

Sometimes it comes from other people but mostly it comes from myself. It is an absolutely horrible word, one I never inflict on others.

I loathe this word and wish it could be eradicated from the English dictionary so that I didn’t have to feel its continual prongs, taunts and its arrogance.

There are lots of other words that compete with this one but they are often shouted out of the picture because this word wants to be the boss.

This word knows its finger-freezing power; this word delights in disseminating misery and guilt; this word bides its time and then leaps from unexpected places and doesn’t unclench its jaws until it has extracted blood.

If you respond to this word, sometimes it will lick your blood up, swallow it and give you a kiss of approval; sometimes it will leave you alone for awhile so that you can torture yourself the way it wants you to.

The only way of escaping this word is by ignoring it. Eventually it will give up.

And what is this word?

SHOULD

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My phrase was plagiarized!

 

I was trying to diagnose my state of mind/heart the other day and came up with the phrase ‘prolonged grief’ and, until I googled it, I thought I was the originator of this phrase. Not so! I found the following article very interesting but not particularly useful when it comes to the prolonged grief that so many people suffer before the loss of death.

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/grieving/2012/03/complicated_grief_and_the_dsm_the_wrongheaded_movement_to_list_mourning_as_a_mental_disorder_.html

It seems that Daffy’s Dotty has, indeed, disappeared and she has probably been killed by that fox. His daily quacking has become hoarse with grief.

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A mother’s brilliant love

 My ma wrote this for me this morning!

Destiny.

You could have been born

in the slums of Djakarta

or Windsor Castle

or the child of a Cult

or blind

become a rock star

or an astronaut

or Mother Teresa

You could have been

A suburban housewife

Or an inventor

Or an athlete.

You could have discovered gold

Or been a surrogate mother

Or a member of ABBA

Or scavenged for food

On the rubbish heaps in India

You could have been a boy. Or a twin,

Or disabled or a concert pianist

You might have

Become a drug addict

Or climbed Mt Everest

Or saved the gorillas

Or joined the Hitler Youth

You may have been born in Israel or Bethlehem

Before Jesus’ time

Before the dinosaurs

You might have been Eve.

But you are Julie.

And

“All the days ordained for me

Were written in your book

Before one of them came to be.”

M.L.

My mother with my son after his scoliosis surgery.

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