jmgoyder

wings and things

Wonderfall

I keep getting comments, or emails, or phone-calls, in which people say I am wonderful, so, because I find this ‘wonderful’ label uncomfortable, I have decided to come clean about how wonderfall I really am:

  • I didn’t go with Husband in the ambulance yesterday because I wanted the hospital staff to see him the way he was without my interference
  • I didn’t go with Husband in the ambulance yesterday because I was sick and tired of everything
  • I didn’t visit Husband in the hospital today even though I was supposed to bring him a toothbrush and a shirt
  • I didn’t visit Husband in the hospital today because I couldn’t, couldn’t, couldn’t be bothered

So that is exactly how wonderful I am – ha!

I rang Husband this afternoon and said I’d be in tomorrow morning and he was initially disappointed (he was also unsure of where exactly he was, which was unnerving for him and me), but eventually he was okay with me going in tomorrow.

Wonderfall

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Good Friday

Tomorrow is the only day of the year that everything is closed for business – all the shops, all the pubs, all the petrol stations – so I guess it is our country’s tiny gesture towards the religious significance of this crucifying day ….

I always save up all my sadnesses for this day because it seems more emotionally economical to do so. After all, I can’t miss my father, who died when I was 19, every day; I can’t miss my misspent youth every day; I can’t miss my inviolable faith every day; I can’t miss Son’s babyhood every day; I can’t miss Husband the way he was, every day.

So tonight, I am doing my sad-missing-stuff thing before Good Friday so that tomorrow I will be able to stretch out both of my arms as far as they will stretch in order to embrace something new, in order to wrap them around what is next, in order to kiss the morning.

Tomorrow, I pick Husband up from the nursing lodge after I leave Son with my mother. I have made fish mornay (Husband’s favourite) for lunch. It will be a good day.

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That strange bird again!

It is a cross between a chook and a white peacock but it also has the glazed, ecstatic eyes of an emu being given cabbage. It is a rooster, a crow, a sparrow, a sitting duck.

What on earth should I do with this bird?

This is Son at his final-year-of-school dinner. I’m not quite sure how or why he received the Headmaster’s award.

The only reason I like this horrible photo of Son is because it was before surgery when he was more flexible. Unfortunately he is still able to do that spooky thing with his eyes!

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Teaspoons and anger management

Son is, understandably, having a few problems with anger. His dad is in a nursing lodge, he himself is in a back brace and can’t do much for awhile, and his mother (me) always leaves the teaspoon, that she stirs her morning coffee with, on the kitchen table, making a little mark that needs to be wiped off with a sponge.

Yes, the teaspoon situation is very like the toothpaste lid on/off problem that apparently drives many previously happy couples, friends, partners etc. either to drink, divorce or dissolution – or all three!

So, why do I do this teaspoon thing? Usually I am not provocative, feisty, rebellious, contrary or uncooperative. Usually I would do anything to keep the peace but, for some perverse reason, the fact that leaving the teaspoon on the table enrages Son (he can be a bit of a neat freak, just like Husband), keeps me doing it. In fact, I now make it my job to leave that teaspoon right in the centre of the nice clean white table just to see what will happen. It’s the closest I have been to adventure for some time.

Sometimes it takes awhile for Son to notice. I’ll be out in my little office writing, or at the back doorstep feeding the peafowl, or doing the laundry, and I will hear him emerge from his bedroom, yawn, yell good morning to me, get his weetbix, turn the morning news on and so on. I wait with a sense of adrenaline-fuelled anticipation for his outburst because I now have the best weapon ever to combat his rage – laughter. Oh yes (or maybe that should be oh no), I am not going to be in fear and trembling any more.

Now, obviously I don’t do this every morning, or it would lose its impact. Mostly, I put the stupid teaspoon on the sink to be washed as I have been instructed to do by Son and, when you think about it, he is only copying Husband’s and my own breakfast routines drilled into him when he was a placid little boy. But, when I do leave the teaspoon on the table, I feel a wonderful sense of glee while I wait for the reaction.

“MUM! YOU’VE DONE IT AGAIN – I’VE TOLD YOU A MILLION TIMES AND I’M SICK OF YOU LEAVING THE TEASPOON….” Blah, blah, blah.

This brings an immediate grin to my face and I race into the kitchen and pretend to be all apologetic and then cannot stop laughing at the look on his face – oh it is wonderful! He stomps off, I continue to laugh until he re-emerges from his room laughing too. I love it but realize that we will soon have to find another form of entertainment.

Don’t worry – we have an appointment at the local Sanitorium next week. It’s right next door to the nursing lodge where nobody can even find a pen, let alone a teaspoon!Okay, that last bit was rubbish but laughing things off has definitely been better than saying “There are worse things….”

The three of us are learning a lot and that’s a very good thing, but sometimes I wish I could go back, just a little bit, in time….

For any newcomers to this blog, Husband is now in a nursing lodge due to advanced Parkinson’s disease and prostate cancer, and six weeks ago Son had major surgery on his spine for a severe scoliosis. The turkey chick in the picture was our first ‘Bubble’. As for me, I love teaspoons!

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Back to zero

All of the garden is strewn with feathers shed by the birds, so much so that it resembles a Canadian autumn and/or a snow storm. Beautiful, yes. Messy, yes. A milliner’s paradise, yes!

I keep on losing that feather in my cap – actually I keep losing the cap itself! I’m sure I’ll find both of them tomorrow and, in doing so, find my way back to Husband and Son in a way that replaces sadness with joy.

Zero seems a good place to start.

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The birds who love to be photographed

Okay so the camera has been found, its battery charged and Son just helped me put both together with a muttered, “You have evolved from a caveman into a caveman.” I didn’t think that was very kind and, when he took the battery out of the camera and told me to try again all by myself, (looking at me as if he were a headmaster in a Harry Potter movie) I did it all correctly and he gave me a gold star kiss on my nervously perspiring forehead. “There is hope,” he said, leaving the scene.

And speaking of scenes, where are all the wild birds I saw yesterday? Gone. Well, not gone actually, as I know they’ll be back but why can’t they be here now when my camera is ready?

Then, I suddenly realized what I could do. I could photograph the birds I purchased from doudou, who is not only a great blog friend, but who made the emus especially for me!

http://doudoubirds.com/

They arrived yesterday in a big box and Son, Husband and I gradually unwrapped them all (it felt like Christmas!)

So this is a picture of Emerys 1, 2 and 3 (uncannily like the real ones when they were smaller), and the next one is of a pink and grey galah (the real ones are nowhere to be seen today!) and a bluejay, which reminds me of my five years in Canada as a child. We don’t have bluejays in Australia, so it is lovely to see the galah and bluejay getting on so well!

It is refreshing to be able to photograph such cooperative birds and even Son thinks these pics are “okay”!

Thanks, doudou!

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Anchorage

Husband and I have been married nearly 20 years – our 19th anniversary is coming up soon but we both always forget about it and my mum inevitably reminds us with a phonecall! Anyway, for most of those years of marriage, he has been an anchor for my flightiness, so I find it a little strange now to be his anchor, when I don’t feel anchored myself.

He is home now. It was supposed to be for one night but yesterday afternoon, despite my intentions to keep this ‘visit’ upbeat, he and I both became emotional and I rang the nursing lodge to say he would be staying home an extra night. His sigh of relief made the difficulty of this extra night worth it, but, because, like the first night, it was a difficult night of getting up and down, we have both realized that the nursing lodge was a good decision.

As usual, we were very honest with each other and Son’s occasional interjections were bitingly honest: “Dad, Mum and I can’t look after you as well as they do in the nursing lodge – can’t you see that?” He added a few adolescent expletives to emphasize his opinion which we forgave him because, after all, he is still trapped in his back splint and can’t help me tend to Husband.

The guilt associated with having to ‘place’ the love of your life into care, despite that person’s agreement to do so, is something difficult to describe. So many friends have expressed to me how terrible this felt for them in terms of their parents, and their empathy and commiserations are much appreciated. However, what many people forget is that Husband is not my parent – he is my husband. It even took awhile for the nursing staff at the lodge to realize this because he is 23 years older than I am, so it was assumed that I was his doting daughter! This kind of mistaken identity thing has happened many times over the years and is a source of much hilarity – well, it used to be!

Five weeks ago, while Son was in intensive care, I took this photo from my hotel balcony in Perth. I was actually trying to get a picture of the elusive swans!

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Three girls flying

Yesterday I tried to insert this picture and accompanying article into my metaphor post because I thought it fitted well with that theme, but it ended up being too small, so here it is again. This picture is of my beautiful niece and her friend and the words are by my mother … read on

And who is the third girl you ask? My mother, of course, who has winged her way through widowhood, cancer, hearing loss and now an eye problem, with flying colours!

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Oh to be a metaphor!

I have always loved the elusive notion of metaphor, and the way it dances and flits from one meaning to another, evading capture.

Okay, back down to ground level….

Unlike Woodroffe (always very grubby), our other Sebastopol goose, Diamond, keeps her multitude of feathers very clean. This is her, wondering if she should venture into a bath already used by Woody, Zaruma and the other members of ‘the gang’. I can definitely understand her reticence!

She’s pretty good at the navel-gazing thing too!

Angelina: How come she never uses us as metaphors? It’s always those filthy geese and ducks!

Brad: Angie, she does use us as metaphors – all the time!

Angelina: Yes but she gives them all the good cabbage and gives us the leftovers. I don’t get that!

Brad: Calm down, Angie – you are my own personal metaphor and always will be.

Angelina: Oh, really? Of what?

Brad: Of beauty, Angie, of beauty. Okay, now which branch do you want tonight – let’s have a snuggle.

…………

I have always loved the elusive notion of metaphor, and the way it dances and flits from one meaning to another, evading capture.

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Halycon days

I received some feedback about yesterday’s ‘lassitude’ post which has got me thinking that I may have portrayed Son as somewhat of a navel-gazer, so I feel kind of bad about that because that’s probably a better description of me at the moment!

Son is doing the best he can four weeks after having his spine fused and eight weeks after Husband became a permanent resident at the nursing lodge. He’s 18 years old and wearing a chest-to-hip brace, so he is unable to bend far enough to gaze at his navel – hehe!

As a lecturer in English and creative writing you would think I knew what ‘halycon days’ meant – not so. I thought it meant those glorious fun-filled days of youth….

Son is on the left here with one of his best friends. Obviously this was before his operation.

And here he is (bottom centre) with all his wonderful cousins on my side of the family, and Grandma (top centre) last Christmas.

‘Halycon days’ actually means days of calm and tranquility so perhaps, during these days of post-operative convalescence, lassitude is okay; perhaps these are our halycon days and we should embrace them.

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