It is 8.30pm and I haven’t seen Anthony today because Ming and I have been so busy cleaning up and organizing things for his 20th birthday party on the weekend. With at least 70 people expected, I am, to say the least, a tad nervous, but they are all wonderful kids, and a few of the parents are coming too in order to help keep things on an even keel!
So it is one of the rare days I haven’t seen Anthony. I warned him of this yesterday and he was okay about it and I tried to ring him a few times today but then gave up. He has definitely forgotten how to answer his phone now and I am becoming as frustrated as the many friends and relatives who keep trying to ring him.
When the nurse rang me half an hour ago, I was shocked to hear Anthony yelling ‘you bitch’ over and over in the background and when the nurse got me on the phone to him, he yelled at me too. Ming tried to talk him through taking the sedative (only needed occasionally) to no avail, and the nurse said she would ring me later. In the background I could hear Anthony yelling “get away from me, you bitch” and “Jules! Help me!” and to Ming, “I’m being tied up, Ming!” and “You’re like the rest of them, Jules, you bitch” and “I don’t trust you, come and get me right now, Jules!”
And this went on and on over several phone-calls back and forth from staff to me. This kind of episode doesn’t happen often – maybe once a month – so last time I took Ants to our doctor, I asked for something to calm him and he prescribed it. Tonight I said to the nurse-in-charge who first rang me that there was an emergency drug for this but, during a later phonecall, I could hear Anthony yelling “No!” and the nurse told me he wouldn’t take it or go to bed.
Sobbing with anxiety, I ended up yelling at Ants on the phone to pull himself together, take the pill, go to bed, stop yelling at the nurses, and that I would see him first thing in the morning. When he didn’t calm down, I screamed at him over the phone: “Stop it, Anthony, stop it! This is not you – it is the stupid disease – I will see you TOMORROW!”
I think he finally accepted this and the nursing staff said he was calming down and they would only ring me back if things escalated again.
And tomorrow? He won’t even remember. So was/is this a psychotic episode? Hallucinations? If so, what triggered this – not seeing me today?
But he sounded so terrified, hence his uncharacteristically abusive language. Five phone-calls, five minutes x five, and five moments when I decided to stop crying and to start yelling at him.
Will he be asleep by now? I don’t know, but I am so tired and defeated and shocked now that I’ve decided not to care about it until tomorrow. Otherwise I will go mad.
It is 9.30pm.
jmgoyder 