In Western culture we don’t seem to have rituals of grief like other cultures. Yes, I realize that this is an overgeneralization, and debateable, however I have noticed at the various funerals I’ve been to over the years that it is appropriate to cry softly, to squeeze your heaving throat, and block your mouth’s sobs with a tissue but often, if anyone weeps loudly, they are avoided because it is so scary.
In many other cultures (we lived in Papua New Guinnea when I was a teenager), loud weeping is not only acceptable around death and illness, it is expected. I remember being shocked the first time I heard this wailing of grief. Here though, in Australia, the expression of grief is somehow inhibited, controlled. Even at my own father’s funeral over 30 years ago I remember, as a 19-year-old firstly being unable to cry from the shock (he died suddenly) but then being unable to stop crying and having to force myself to stop for the sake of dignity or control or something – I don’t know.
The other night – one of the nights Husband was supposed to have come home and Son was out – I woke up to the dark, creaky house, thinking I had heard Husband’s knock (he knocks on the wall of the bedroom if he needs me). It took me a moment to realize that he wasn’t even home, let alone knocking, so I tried to go back to sleep in the adjacent bed to his empty one. And then it hit me like a tidal wave of such intensity – that he was never going to come back except as a visitor to his own home – and I wailed and wept and scream-sobbed my way into dawn with our whole life together playing like a movie in my mind compared to the wretchedness of now. And I know there are so many other people who are gradually losing someone they love to illness but are unable to wail like I did because of the proximity of neighbours.
Husband and I have lost each other the way we were, and Husband and Son have lost each other the way they were too, and this is of such gut-grinding grief that it stops my breath.
jmgoyder 
I thought of you (and others) when I watched Insight on SBS last week about ‘Good Grief’.
Jenny Brockie is a wonderful facilitator and mangaes to get everyone talking in a postive way about about things that are so often difficult and awkward to discuss. Details of the show can be found at http://www.sbs.com.au/insight/episode/overview/467/Good-Grief
Cheers, CB
I’ll check it out – thanks my good friend – will make a lunch date with you soon!
when I was 36 I came home and my then husband had been killed during a robbery. things moved so fast and everyone was telling me what to do. my son was getting married in 6 weeks and I am not even sure how there was movement from one moment to the next. it was actually years later that i broke down and sobbed til there was nothing left.
now I am the one leaving and your sharing gives me guidance how to make things easier for my husband. there are no words that can make your world as it once was so I will just say that you are so brave and admired by many.
thank you for sharing with such honesty.
Thanks so much for your comment. I have been wondering how you were going and just checked your blog to see if the ‘follow’ button was clicked as I remember doing that – it was but for some reason I haven’t been getting notifications when you post so I went to the other follow-email button and clicked that. I am so sorry and thanks for your story here and your own honesty.
You’re so right Jules and I’m so glad that you could grief freely just for that moment without worrying about whether it was ‘appropriate’ or not. I remember in Ukurumpa village a friend told me how they grieve there. The woman goes out to the central dirt road that runs through the village and throws herself onto the ground and into the mud and bangs the ground and scratches her skin. I asked how long this goes for and she told me, sometimes for up to two or three days. I asked when does it stop? She said, the other women will let her go until they feel she is running out of this kind of loud grief and then they go out to her and say ‘ok, that is enough’ and they bring her in and care for her in her next stage of ‘quiet’ grief.
Violent – yes
Uncomfortable – yes
Worrying – yes
Natural – probably
Love you.
That’s exactly what I remember from PNG – thanks Michellywelly! Love you.
When my father died I was effectively forced by convention to remain strong whilst my mother and sister fell apart – it was only in private that I could grieve properly and I find even today I still do from time to time as a memory triggers something inside me. So whilst I could never fully understand the pain you are going through I can at least empathise with the release of emotion you wrote about. I can’t speak for you but for me the almost cathartic release helps if only for a while – nothing else even comes close. I wish you well.
Rob
What a great comment – thanks for telling me about your dad and for your good wishes. I really appreciate it Rob – Julie
Thank you for this sharing. Crying is a natural reaction to grief. It is important to allow for it. My mother used to admonish me for crying and actually boast about how she didn’t cry. It wasn’t because she was meaning to be unkind, she really thinks that poorly of crying. Since I’ve always been a crier, it is too much work to stop the tears or wailing and I really have to look for a place to let it out sometimes. I think it is important to healing. So I am happy that you were able to cry, able to write about it. This is a difficult time for your family. I am thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers in Vermont, USA.
Thanks so much Tammy – that’s interesting about your mother. Mine is much more stoic than I am too!
My heart strings of friendship are being wrnched for your grief.I cannot even begin to know what you are going through, but I cannot help but think your sobbing nad wailing in peace was maybe one of the best things you could do for Jules.
Knowing that you tried to sleep next to husband’s empty bed tells me that you are starting the process of letting go. Letting go of what was so that you are mindful and fullty present today and what is. I’ll never pretend to know all that is going on with you and yours, or that I can relate, just know that whatever each day brings, you have an extended family who cares very much for you.
Much Fondness always~
Thanks Baroness – you are so thoughtful and I really appreciate the winching!
I really feel for you, Julie 😦
Grief is such a terrible mental and physical pain. It coils us into a tightly wound spring and I think sometimes we’re afraid to give voice to it for fear it will unravel us. But it needs an outlet.
Thanks bluebee – I should be okay now having had such a gusher!
I think we all deal with grief in our own way, but the main thing is to deal with it and not suppress it to the point where we become a burden to others with our buried feelings. Doesn’t hurt to have a good cry.
Wise words!
When you love deeply and live deeply, your emotions reside in the depths of your heart and soul. Crying is their way of traveling from that depth to the realm of release. Without the release, the emotions drown. Julie, you are such a genuine soul. The world needs more souls like you to help us understand the meaning of our humanness. I’m sorry for the struggles you are facing (and I hope this doesn’t come across the wrong way) but I also thank you for being unselfish and courageous enough to share them because you are reminding us that life is meant to be experienced with its joys as well as sorrows. Thank you for helping me see that crying is okay, as I’ve been doing a bit of it myself lately.
What an absolutely beautiful comment – thank you Sofia – it sounds like you are having some sad stuff too so I do wish you well.
Oh Jules….this one hit hard for me. I’m not a cryer. I cry for others (like when I read your post above) but not for myself (almost never). I can be in the most horrific physical pain – or be told at 37 that the cancer is malignant, or whatever, but the tears just get stuck in my throat somewhere. I’m not sure what this is rooted in. Yet I’m so sensitive to others (have been called an empath, and therapies that I need to learn not to jump out of my own body and into others who I am feeling for). I’m so grateful that you shared your experience here. I do think it’s a primal instinct to grieve for personal loss. I know it must be healing on some level and I know now it’s part of my work. Sending love and good thoughts to you across the world today. RL
Thanks RL – it was a bit of a surreal experience for me because I do empathy well, as you do, but the feeling of loss overwhelmed me. And every time I nearly stopped crying, I would think that maybe he was cold (he feels the cold terribly) or uncomfortable in the nursing lodge bed, or maybe he couldn’t reach the bell to ring nurses etc. and it would set me off again. But I guess you are right – I was mostly crying for me and maybe, just maybe, this is quite a healthy thing to do – for you too? I don’t know – all I know is that you are one of the most admirable people and I send you love and good wishes too! Jx
I love seeing this discussion. It’s so awkward sometimes when feelings on some levels are really more numb than feeling, and sometimes then with others the wrenching of the heart does not stop.
I was fascinated to see the use of the word empath here. I have been told this same thing before the word empath was a word I knew. My grandmother used to say I was just “touched” Today that word is looked in a completely different way.
Grief is such a weird thing too. Sometimes I’ve been able to be in touch right away with my emotions, and sometimes like I said, just numb. Especially when it’s family member and I think I should be really upset. I think others expect me to be. And me? I just feel nothing.
Let someone else who is not so close to me have an opposite effect is just too bizarre for me to analyze.
Seems like there are a few of us empaths out there! Emotion is such a weird and unpredictable thing isn’t it!
I find crying a very purifying exercise. There are some things that probably should make me cry sometimes, and I don’t. But then I’ll watch a movie with a very sad or emotional scene and I’ll start sobbing and bawling for a long time. I know that’s when I get to release some piled-up grief, anger, or whatever it is inside, and I feel a lot better afterwards.
Middle-Eastern cultures have weepers following the funeral too, and those ladies are pretty loud! I hate the whole culture of having to hide your feelings all the time. It makes us forget we’re humans after all, and it affects our behavior with the rest of society, in a bad way. If all of us were allowed to express our feelings more openly, the world would be a much more caring and happy place.
Thanks for this great and interesting comment and I agree we ‘westies’ are too inhibited.
Julie,
We believe loud grief is the best. We’re sorry for what you are going through!
Bella and DiDi
I knew you guys would understand – hehe – howwwwwl!
I know that grief, and the catharsis. It is frightening, complete, lack of control. We cry for our loss, and our lack of control over events that surpass our ability to deal with on any rational level. Yes, we cry for ourselves, but it is a good cry and cleans out the poisonous pain from our soul…
It is perhaps the hardest, when those we cherish fade away rather than leave us suddenly? I believe so.
xo,
~ Lynda
Yes when I compare the sudden death of my father to the way my husband is deteriorating so slowly, I don’t know which is best – not that there is any choice anyway.
I have been a sunny person all my life until recently some at my work have become ungrateful and my mother cut me off (I swear I didn’t do anything bad to her – she is being manipulated by my brother) and then my husband had an angry melt down and guess what>>>??? I had that sobbing greif thing for things lost and gone. Cryed into my pillow till I was ill.
in hindsigh compared to your husbands and yours journey that seems small and that was why the other day I got up and went and spent time with David. This is the greatest gift you have given to us Jules – be here now and appreciate what we have now!!
one last thing… I was the sobbing person at my fathers funeral that no one wanted to look at. it came upon me and I couldn’t stop it….i so tried but it just flowed and right now I am tearing up thinking of that moment.
so.. life has it’s up & downs. hold on tight to the roller coaster ride. your hat might fly off but your hair will stay attached. r
Loved this comment – thank you so much for sharing your own grief – I know what that would have been like at your father’s funeral. Hope the other stuff sorts itself off – families eh!
I’m soooooo sorry. It’s ok to wail, scream, sob, etc. I’ve done that too.
You’re absolutely right Julie, it’s just not acceptable to have a good old-fashioned weep (especially for men). Must appear strong, keep a stiff upper lip, no signs of weakness allowed. But why? It’s crap. It’s a totally necessary part of dealing with sadness and grief. I hope you felt better after letting go the other night.
Thanks Finn and you are so right! Julie
I’m not much of crier, so when I do it is such a dam burst. Very cleansing and a release, and when over such a relief. I’m glad you are able to let go and grieve how ever you need to.
I have only experienced genuine wailing one time in my life. It’s the deepest emotional, gutteral feeling of sadness ever. The release that follows is a gift of God. How cleansing and purifying. Sending my prayers for all of you. If only the ill had words to express their feelings and thoughts. I very often wished that for Dad. Not only does the mind go, the expressions and thought patterns go, too. Always made me wonder about the complexities of the brain. Amazing!
Thank you for your understanding.
Gut grinding grief is lovely writing. Letting yourself wail is good living. Such a tough stretch for you and your family. I thought you did a beautiful job of capturing a bit of it in this post. Thank you. (Oh, and I agree. The United States, for instance, is pretty messed up when it comes to grief. I think it may be about loss of control more than anything. But I am a big believer in supporting each wretched journey into that pain. 😉
Thank you so much Riba!