I miss you because you are one of the bloggers I mislaid when I unsubscribed from everybody’s and created a blogroll. I am still relatively new at this blogthing so please remind me if I have unwittingly forgotten you.
I miss you because you are my now impossible-to-care-for Husband.
I miss you because you are my now growing-up Son.
I miss you because you were my father and you died.
I miss you because you were the mother who loved music, and now you can’t hear it.
I miss you because you used to think I was okay until I became so unreliable, unpredictable, unsociable, but I didn’t mean to hurt anyone.
I miss all of the visits from friends and family because now home feels quiet and dead without Husband.
I miss myself.
jmgoyder 
So sad and honest, Julie.
I hope I don’t sound self-pitying and I hope other bloggers won’t mind this post, but tonight I just can’t stop the stupid crying thing.
Not at all! You have good reasons for a thorough cry, and sometimes it’s necessary to let it all out.
Do you read Kate Shrewsday? She blogged today about having a good cry.
http://kateshrewsday.com/
I just tried to access Kate’s blog but couldn’t get in – I am very curious now! I will try again in a minute – am having a few internet challenges! Thanks, Tilly!
How could other bloggers mind such brutal honesty with ones self Jules? You are a hero to me and I am begining to know you don’t like hearing that kind of stuff. But when its true for me I will speak it because I am so often wanting to follow such a vibrant and fresh influence.
Just hugs this morning my friend, hugs, hugs and more hugs because even if you cannot admot it we know you need them.~
You are a diamond, BB! Thankyou!
“Missing People” is a healthy sign, but that doesn’t make it any easier to feel (that way).
We think sometimes it is all too much, but then when it isn’t there, we miss it. Complicated creatures, we humans.
You are so right!
Dear Julie, you express your feelings and thoughts so beautifully. You are a writer. I can feel all your lines as if mine… I can’t help maybe with all of them but I can share in my heart with you. You have a friend always here, please remember. Thank you, with my love, nia
Sometimes the sadness overwhelms me but the next day the sun comes up and you are a big part of my sunrise!
I know, I can understand you so well dear Julie… And you have a wonderful heart, actually you carry your sun in there. Love, nia
Thanks so much again, nia – not much sunshine at the moment but it always comes back! julix
Try not to think about it all at the same time. It gets to be overwhelming. One step at a time. You’ll make new connections in your life. Your “growing up son” can be a good friend to you and maybe give back to you now that he doesn’t need your constant care anymore. Things change and they aren’t only for the worse. It will get better.
Yes, my self-pity sickens me sometimes!
Life is a journey. Sometimes it is easy, sometimes difficult. However, you will get through any difficult journey.
A few years ago I was running round a country park. It was one of those parks with a lot of trees. When I went round a bend to get to a footbridge I saw a man standing at the edge of the bridge looking down to the River Clyde, 30 feet below. I was immediately terrified of this man and my first thoughts were that he would grab me and throw me over the bridge. I am not usually terrified of people but I was that day. He asked me the time and I told him it was 10.30.
I crossed the bridge and looked back to see him still standing in the same position. I then started walking up the path to the top of a hill to continue running, when I heard a large snap of a tree branch. On turning round he was about 30 yards behind me and at this point I felt like screaming hysterically but kept my calm until I reached the top of the hill and started running as fast as I could.
He was running after me screaming that he was going to slash my throat. The path was empty and I hoped that someone would come to my aid. After running about 1 mile I came to a bend in the path and saw an elderly couple in front of me. I started shouting at them that someone was chasing me with a knife and turned round to see my pursuer about 6 yards behind me. He then turned and fled.
I walked back to the visitor centre in the park with the couple and had to wait until the police came to give a statement and later had to look through a book of convicted criminals to see if he was one of them.
A year and a half later I had a got a phone call from the CID to say they had arrested a man and I had to attend an ID parade. This involved going to a police station near Hampden Football Stadium in Glasgow to try and pick him out. Fortunately, the police had enough evidence to convict him so I never had to go to court as a witness.
I have never forgotton this incident but I got over it and moved on. It was an event on my journey through life.
How terrifying, Jane! It wouldn’t have been easy to move on from this – wow! Juliex
When you’re weary
Feeling small
When tears are in your eyes
I will dry them all
I’m on your side
When times get rough
And friends just can’t be found
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
When you’re down and out
When you’re on the street
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/s/simon+and+garfunkel/bridge+over+troubled+water_20124580.html ]
I’ll take your part
When darkness comes
And pain is all around
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Sail on Silver Girl,
Sail on by
Your time has come to shine
All your dreams are on their way
See how they shine
If you need a friend
I’m sailing right behind
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.
This is the song I found myself humming when I read your post. Think of all the bridges in your life dearest daughter. M.L.
Thanks, babycheeks – beautiful song!
Somedays you just have to wallow in the loneliness of all things that have changed or are gone. Tomorrow will be a new day filled with new things and people and adventures. It is not the looking back that but the staying back.
Thanks for the wise words – very true re ‘staying back’ …
Sing praise to the LORD, you saints of His, And give thanks at the remembrance of His holy name. For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life; Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning.
(Psalms 30:4-5 NKJV)
Thank you – wonderful verses! Just added your bird blog to my blogroll – sorry to to have done before!
Your posts bleed honesty and humanness and truth. I love to read your posts, because they make me feel somehow connected to you in that humanness and truth.
Glad you said that because I was regretting writing that one – put it down to having the flu again – argh!
Yes, missing those you love is such a sad part of life. Proper grief. I hold you in my prayers today. Tomorrow is a new day; God’s mercies are new every morning. XO
You are so right about new mornings! Thank you wise one.
this was very emotional……
stupid self-pity – sorry!
Don’t feel guilty!! We still love you!! 🙂
Deb
Awwwww – thanks honey – hehe!
This I understand to well. I have gone over similar lines in my own life many a time dear Julie. Can write a very long poem on this topic too 😦
Please know others truly care and feel deeply for all you going through… you are Loved and energies from across the universe are being conjured up for your support and wellbeing xo
I think my remorse lately is mostly to do with how I keep forgetting dates and letting people down and got the flu again and sick of myself – ha!
Flu again — oh no Julie. You must take care of yourself. I mean this. Me too on letting people down, and being sick of myself! This is the graduation weekend for my daughter (5 + hour trip leaving Friday. Huge amount of activity and ceremonies) ~ I truly don’t think I can do it. Have been awful physically – the steroid caused some hormonal storm on top of my usual. She says she understands totally – sent me a beautiful letter…but I am not sure that I understand! 😦 Have never missed a milestone before….
Oh Robyn – I am so sorry to hear that the steroid affected you like that. It is so unfair. You daughter understands and obviously adores you (who wouldn’t) so go easy on yourself. Me, it’s just the flu but I am such a wimp compared to you! Love Julie
I am one of the blogs you omitted but I understand time constraints very well and ma not dismayed. Keep your chin up, Julie.
I just went into your blog and got a message it doesn’t exist – is this an error? I wanted to link it into my blogroll.
It seems to exist for me (?) Here’s the link: http://naturaliststable.wordpress.com/
It worked this time so have put you on my blogroll. I think the link I went to was an older one – so sorry!
Sometimes life can be… difficult.
What is a blogroll? What are you talking about? I’m VERY VERY not used to blogging!
Did I tell you that my husband is disabled? There are mornings when I stand at his door, and make sure that he is still breathing.
You have to grab the moments. I live for the moment!
Take care.
What is wrong with your husband? Sorry about the self-pitying post! The blogroll is a list on the right hand side (if you go into my latest post you will see the link to your blog there.
Today I will grab the moment! Thank you!
He had an accident. It was before I met him (about 25 years ago. He broke his neck or back in the supermarket (beware things on the floor! He slipped on a soup can label!) He was left with no sense of balance and pain. I think it has gotten worse over the years. He doesn’t like to talk about it, I just know how he acts.
How awful.
It is what it is. Believe me, that’s over 20 years of “enduring” (on my part) speaking. That’s why I can understand how you feel. No, I don’t have the hands-on experience you have (My husband won’t let me help him, and he will not talk about it. He just… grumbles.), but I know what it is like to witness, someone you love, suffer.
That’s okay. It is what it is! He makes me laugh, and I make him laugh. We support each other in our own way. The cats ADORE him. He’s the Cat Man. 🙂
Actually your grumbling, laughing catman sounds delightful and he is so lucky to have you!
He is. He can be a hoot! 🙂
Thanks. I don’t talk about him, that much.
HA!
Oh yea, p.s. I asked him if it was his back or his neck he broke (I didn’t tell him, I talked about him.) He told me it was his back.
OMG!
Yeah, I know. It amazes me that he even got up from that.
He must be very strong.
:o}
I’ll have to tell him that. I think he could use that input.
Okay!!
Sorry to see you so sad, cheer up soon, God Bless you!
Thanks – sorry about the lapse into self-pity!
That is so moving. We don’t miss you because we know you are still here 🙂
Bella and DiDi
True!
I can really feel the emotions from your words. So moving, yet I feel the sadness and loneliness. “I miss myself” is powerful…and even though our circumstances are different, I can relate to those words.
I don’t really know what I meant by missing myself (sounds so self-indulgent!) I guess I miss my happy, frolicking self. I still haven’t explored your other blog – sorry – will do soon!
Actually, this is one of the least self-indulgent posts I’ve come across, precisely because it’s simple and direct. We all know the feeling you describe – it comes and goes, because life comes and goes. Every day has its little losses – but every day has its little gains, too.
Thanks!!!!!
A very dear, active 96 year old friend has been sick and in the hospital. She had a similar list of what she misses.
I always kind of liked the adventure of change and the wonder of what is ahead while in transition. Then hubby and I got into a place where we were overwhelmed dealing with health and senior care issues for 4 family members at the same time and constantly having to travel long distance. Now I’m trying to let go of the fear and not focus on what was lost and how it can get worst and find the joy again. At times it seems impossibly hard. But as that dear 96 year old is fond of saying “This too shall pass!”
Sounds like you and your husband had the bulk of responsibility for four people! Wow – very hard. I wish your lovely 96 year old friend well – she sounds wise.
The truly painful side of life! Hugs to you, Jules!
I just resubscribed to your wonderful blog – I had to unsubscribe from everything to give myself a little break – sorry about that.
No worries!
But those who wait on the LORD Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint. (Isaiah 40:31 NKJV)
I used that verse in a Birds of the Bible presentation to some homeschoolers on Monday. Tuesday I had to weigh in with Weight Watchers and my weight was up, but I hadn’t cheated. I was down in the dumps and ask the Lord to help me not be discouraged. That verse came back and I was reminded that I enjoy running and not being weary (losing weight fast), but when it comes to standing still or only losing ounces then I am only “walking” and I am not to faint.
I know this is not the same situation as yours, but that verse, I trust, will encourage you to realize that the Lord is right there beside us encouraging us whether things are good or not so good.
Love to you,
Lee
Thank you so much Lee! I love that verse – love it – and remember it from my childhood church days. I wish you well too! Love Juliexx