I am an easily confused person in that I often forget that I am not a teenager anymore, and if I read a novel where there is a character in her 50s, I automatically thing how old before I remember I am too (not old, but in my 50s – ha!).
When I began to write Anthony’s and my love story on this blog, little post by little post, I found it comforting that the difficulties of ‘the now’ (his illness, the nursing lodge etc.) somehow became more palatable via the memories of our past – especially the good bits.
Then I started to get a bit mixed up with where I was up to with the love story, so I plonked it into its own blog and, in many ways, that has alleviated my confusion.
But the strange thing is that this blog seems to be kind of missing the love story blog and the wide stretch of time between the anecdotes in each sometimes seems vast and rather empty. Each post in the love story blog tiptoes closer and closer to this blog in that temporal sense and I think this hesitancy, on my part, is because I don’t want them to get back together.
Sometimes I want to stay in the love story blog and not come to this one, simply because of an aversion to now even though now is all there is.
I want to go back in time.
Sort of!
View across Anthony’s farm. Photo courtesy of Shaam Burley
jmgoyder 
Who doesn’t want to go back in time… In many ways I am same as you dear Julie, maybe because of this I find you so closer to me… Thank you, dear Julie, it is always so nice to read you, have a nice day, with my love, nia
Yes, I know, Nia – thankyou so much! Juliexxxx
I guess you’re not the only one who wants to go back in time….to happier times or young love, security, certainty of the future, a sense of ‘wholeness’.
Don’t be afraid to feel and express a sense of loss.
Life will never be as it was before, so perhaps you’re not ready to mourn that Ending of the Past yet.
It’s OK to hang on to the past for a wee while, but the sooner you face the reality of the present, the sooner you will feel comfortable with this next stage of your life & relationship with Anthony.
You’re not in an easy position (nor is Son).
Thanks, Vicki, for your insight. Juliexx
It’s like you don’t want to sully the past with the present. That, somehow, if you merge the two then the past gets a little tarnished. Kind of like how I separate my apples from the bananas in the kitchen because if I don’t keep the apples away then the bananas spoil too fast. So the apples stay in their own bowl on the opposite side of the kitchen.
Apples and bananas – I love it!
Time is a concept invented by us. Our lives, our memories, intertwine and are a living part of our stories, don’t you think?
Yes! You are a philosopher, Diana. Jx
i love the words you say. i also do not see myself as getting older, only others, haha, i love to live back in time. it is not always a good thing, but i have much more wonderful memories of then than now. also i love the view from your farm. beautiful!
Thanks Terry – good to know you know what I think I mean – haha! Jx
Right now, the past means happier times, and the future is uncertain in many ways. The present is difficult. I can understand how the past is more appealing. It’s what anchors you to the now.
The weird thing is that the present has a lot of joy and the past has a lot of sorrow so it’s a bit of a paradox!
Maybe when the stories come together, you’ll come to see that “the now” is “the then” but repackaged. The man you love is still there, and you’re still the woman he loves. What else matters? Times change, circumstances change, but the love is still there even if it is harder to recognize because of illness. “In sickness and in health…”
Yes, I think you are right!
In troubled times as this it is good to reminisce. I think it helps to ease your grief.
At first I wondered why you would split the love story from this established blog, but now that you have I think it works OK… and when you get ready to flesh it out and write your book it will all be sequenced for you as an outline, and don’t doubt me or any of your other readers, we will be standing in line to order it and read it all again. You have a gift. Love you! ~ Lynda
You are such a great person, Lynda – thank you! Jx
I know that feeling. I had a poetry blog about my time in South Africa. I would publish a poem and then tell the story behind it. I was sad to finish, but it was a cathartic experience and I’m glad I did it. You will be, too.
I had a dementia blog once and got no followers so I canned it, but your SA blog sounds great! Is there a link to it on your current blog? I will have a look!
No because I closed it, but I think I can set up a password so you can check it out. Give me a day or two and then prod me because I have a dreadful memory.
I will definitely prompt you, Tilly!
Two halves of the same love story Jules…they are both you, your loves, your life. I can see how one would miss the other, but I think you’ve got the right idea. It’s important for you to have your continuing love story here when the time comes. Hugs
R
It’s kind of surreal but you are right!
I do understand. You may find it helpful to cross-reference — or perhaps it’s healthy to have that blog as pure escapism from Now once in a while. I feel this way even when I’m doing my “light” posts on my blog — and then every now and then get “real” with the current status of my health/pain and get very weighed down from it. I do think we must acknowledge the now – though not sure how much focus we should give it if it makes us feel ill. I have a poem/image coming up that I worked on this weekend in which I ‘go there’ in a more abstract way – and probably nobody will ‘see’ it — but was really hard for me even so. Time-travel sounds really good to me Julie… let me know when you find a good capsule for us!! xxoo
If I find that capsule you will be the first to know Robyn – Juliexx
xo I’m on board right next to you Julie!!
You have such an amazing way with words. You describe your feelings so eloquently!
From you – a wordsmith extraordinairre – that is a great compliment!
Hi,
I was watching an old TV show last night “The Outer Limits” and the story was about time travel, no joke, so your title did bring on a smile. 🙂
A lovely photo, beautiful colours from the sun.
What a coincidence!
Absolutely understood! I think that’s what the real old people do…Hate the present and all suffering and heartache and yearn for those years when love and health abounded and cares were simpler. The exception is that you are prime with a beautiful Son looking on. Colorful reflection, friend.
Yes I know what you mean about the past – weird thing is that even if the past isn’t so great, it’s sometimes still a kind of refuge.
Lovely photo! Sometimes I would like to go back in time, but then I wouldn’t have the knowledge I have now. It would be nice to have both – youth and knowledge.
That would be ideal!
Completely understandable, Julie.
PS – I also feel as if I’m still a teenager, but I thought that was because I don’t have children 🙂
Perhaps we are all teenagers at heart!
Beautiful sentiment. We’re glad that your writing helps you deal with a tough reality. We wish we could time travel. Bella wants to be 2 again and DiDi wants to be a puppy.
Bella and DiDi
Can we see some pictures on your blog of when you guys were little?
Beautiful sentiment. We’re glad that writing helps you deal with a tough reality.
Bella and DiDi
What a wonderfully written reflection of your feelings! Wow!
The two ‘ends’ of the same story – feels really surreal!