Until last night it has been difficult for me to imagine experiencing the kind of hallucinations which are part of Anthony’s Parkinson’s disease. He will often see people in empty chairs and even talk to them. Sometimes those people are us – Ming and me – but sometimes they are strangers, often children. Sometimes he sees animals in the house or in his room at the nursing lodge – dogs and calves mostly.
Over the last few years some of the hallucinations repeated themselves and were frightening – men chopping down his favourite tree, the girl with the bleeding eye, trespassers taking over the dairy – but most have been tolerable and sometimes even comforting. Now, for instance, Anthony often thinks Ming is in the room with us even if he isn’t.
If, on the phone, Anthony says something that indicates he is hallucinating – in the evenings, for instance, he now almost always thinks he is at some sort of party in a mansion somewhere – I either go along with it or suggest he might be hallucinating. I only do the latter if he seems distressed.
Last night I had a vivid dream that has given me an insight into what hallucinations feel like and it was very frightening. In the dream, Anthony, Ming and I were all home and we had a lot of visitors. Anthony wasn’t ill and he was out chopping wood for a fire. I was the one who was ill and all the visitors kept saying I should go back to bed, but I wanted to be up and about. I was standing in the kitchen just as Anthony came in the front door with a big bundle of wood in his arms, then I turned towards the back door and there was another Anthony, in different clothes, with a bucket of wood. I turned around, confused, to see that the first Anthony was still in the hallway, then turned around to see that the second Anthony was now entering the back door. I kept telling the visitors that there were two Anthonys and they thought I was joking around. Finally, one of the visitors believed me and was alarmed and kept reassuring me that there was only one Anthony, but I could still see two – one to my left and one to my right. Neither of the Anthonys spoke, so I didn’t know which one was real.
The dream went on to another scene where I was at the doctor’s and he was about to tell me what was wrong with me – then I woke up. I can still feel the fear I felt in the dream – that I was losing my mind. I hope Anthony doesn’t feel as frightened as I did in the dream. I’m going to tell him and see what he thinks. Knowing him, he will probably laugh his head off!
jmgoyder 
Oh I wonder what Anthony will say? My Grandma had a lot of hallucinations before she died, but we’re mostly pleasant… Lots of parties with lots of beer and twinkling lights, cute boys and nuns!
Hope your uneasiness from your dream passes quickly!
Ah, your grandmother’s hallucinations sound a lot like my husband’s. I am not disturbed anymore by the dream but it is still vivid in my mind – surreal!
Thanks Melissa! Juliex
Julie,
What a disturbing dream. Stay well. *Kisses* and *Hugs*
Bella and DiDi
Well it was also a very interesting dream!
Yes, it sounded that way too.
Wow.
Yeah – weird!
Such a crazy dream Julie. Was it a night you had frequent awakenings? Amazing recall you had also. Yes – do tell Anthony — he will feel less alone knowing that you can relate better to what he must experience daily. This new pain experimental management protocol I’m looking into is a med that is known to cause hallucinations and terrors… I am not thinking this can be fun. It sounds like Anthony’s are so intense and vivid too…. All scary and not fair…. 😦 I hope you sleep soundly tonight – only happy dreams my friend… xo
Let’s hope your new meds don’t have the side effects of hallucinations, Robyn. They might not at all – it might work beautifully. I am crossing my fingers for you. Juliexx
It’s not really new meds… it’s a 5 day continuous drip in ICU under close watch of drug called Ketamine. I think the hallucinations happen while you are being treated — know can have lasting brain effects after but hopefully not? Scary still… even your dream would have freaked me a bit 😦 HOpe you are ok!! xo
My dreams are always vivid like that so don’t worry. I have heard that Ketamine is amazingly good so I hope so much that it will work for you!
pretty experimental when done like this…seeing doc on Monday for another opinion. Basically tries to reboot the brain by changing it on cellular level. In some countries they induce a coma. Sort of scary…but have heard can get one remission from severe pain…will keep you posted. Wishing you good dreams Julie~ xo
I read an article about Ketamine but can’t remember where … oh sending you so much love!
Thank you Dear Julie xxoo Love right back to you my friend …
Don’t mean to intrude here Jules, but couldn’t help but read Robyn’s comment. I’ve been following her blog and know the hell she goes thru. Ketamine is sold on the ‘streets’ as “Special K” or “K” for it’s ability to place one in a dreamy, floaty state. In higher does it causes dissociative hallucinations. It also depresses consciousness and breathing, so good to hear she’ll be in ICU. From what I know about the lasting effects, one of the main problems has been that some people become psychologically addicted to the dissociation from the consciousness. I remember when it first hit the ‘black market’ as it were. A scary thing…this drug is also used in veterinary science. The drug’s ability to “separate” the brain from the body is likely the only way Robyn can be pain free, for a time. I truly wish there was something else they could do for her.
About your dream…I think Tilly is spot on, and am surprised you haven’t had them before now. I hate that the lasting impression was one of fear for you, that must have been frightening. Maybe with Tilly’s words, if it happens again, your subconscious will enable you to experience it without the fear.
xo
R
Thanks for this information, Rhonda. I didn’t know a lot of this so maybe I shouldn’t have said anything about Ketamine. This is such a tough call for Robyn – hell!
It is a lousy situation all the way around. I’m sure she’s in the best of hands, it’s just a shame with all the advances being made in the world, it’s this they find themselves having to use to give her some peace.
hell is right….and damn it too
Yes – she is so amazing the way she copes!
wow, I’ve had dreams that help me understand how others must feel about things. You and Anthony have a strong connection perhaps.
Probably my imagination going a little crazy!
maybe, maybe not…if it gives you insight – no harm, no foul.
True!
Gosh we never finish learning lessons, do we? What a crazy dream but who knew it’d give you such insight,potentially. Stay strong, be well.
It was a very useful dream!
dreams can be frightening, i have had some also, of Al dying or me dying. maybe you were seeing Ants as he was before and now also. i don’t know, but waking up before the doctor says what is wrong is a good thing from what i hear. if you were told, then you may really be getting ill or something may be happening to Ants. so glad you woke up Julie! Al hallucinates once in awhile. he imagines people talking to him. the problem we are going into now, is wetting the pants.
You are probably going to dislike me for saying this but incontinence will become the reason for you to let Al go into care.
JUlie,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,i was afraid of this. it seems like it is coming faster and more often………..darn darn darn!
Don’t be afraid – it will pan out, but you need to investigate care options (sorry, I almost never give advice!)
wow, how disturbing that must feel. I think if I had hallucinations, I would be frightened, not knowing what was going on. Nightmares are bad enough.
Anthony and I are kind of used to them now (it’s been happening for years) but it’s still weird!
Sounds to me like a manifestation of your anxiey – which is what many dreams are; a safe outlet for anxiety.
You tell us about two Anthonys in your blogs – the man you fell in love with; and the man you now cope with.
They are similar because you love them both, despite your present difficulties. You couldn’t choose which Anthony was real, because they both were/are.
I wouldn’t worry about it; in fact, if it helps you understand what’s happening to Anthony, it’s got to be a good thing.
What wonderful insight. I must be an idiot to not realize what you are saying here – yes, it is the the past and present Anthonys! Thank you so much Tilly! Jxx
It’s much easier for an outsider to see such things. I suspect what you most remember is the fear.
You are such a champion, Tilly – yes, the fear is still a bit shivery! Jx
I’m a great believer in the messages that dreams send us (if we are able to decipher them). I think they’re important.
As to your vivid dream, I wonder if Anthony is sending you a message telepathically to show you how he ‘sees’ the world from his state of Parkinsons. He sees the old Anthony and the current Anthony and can’t grasp onto the ‘real’ Anthony. I suspect Anthony is trying to show you his Parkinson’s world. It is not an indication that YOU will become sick. I really do think you are being shown what it is like to have Parkinsons Disease. Take this vivid dream as a message. When you relate this dream to Anthony, he will probably laugh it off (to reassure and comfort you).
Anthony in his awakened state may not be able to access his true inner voice. He may have to go back into his ‘dream’ state at night to find the ability to communicate his true thoughts to you as you are asleep and dreaming. Please let us kow what Anthony’s reaction is when you tell him about it..
s to Anthony ‘seeing’ people. I believe when we are born, we have this ability to see the spirits of past souls and as we get older we gradually lose this ability. I wonder if people who are seriously ill regain that ability (to see spirits/souls). I wonder if Doctors put hallucinations down to the side effects of drugs when in actual fact, some of it may be visions of the past or dead souls. I believe that as we only use some 10% of our brains, some of us use a whole lot more and can communicate telepathically.
I’m a great believer in the Power of the Mind. May I suggest you keep a pad & pen by your bed and as soon as you awaken from a dream attempt to write the gist of that dream down (before you forget). At some later date, perhaps you will see a theme running through those dreams.
I have not had, or, not rememembered, any dreams for the last couple of years since I left work (other than 2-3 nightmares), I wonder why.
Wow, Victoria – this is so interesting. I am not sure what I think about the spririt/soul thing but you have given me much food for thought and I am so grateful! Jx
ps. got my pad and pen ready for tonight!
I think it might well prove very interesting to see where your dreams take you over the next few highly emotional months.
I think Ants may well laugh and perhaps ask you what you have been smoking … I can imagine … and dreams are good.
Do you have weird dreams too? Not smoking anything – just probably think too much!
Very interesting psychology from Tilly Bud … yes that makes so much sense and it’s all good
Yes!
you ever notice that we remember the bad dreams vividly – it is just not fair
-if I were to analyze this–I would think that you want the old Anthony back, and not the Anthony who suffers so – but since I have no real abilities in this realm, I would just ignore me
Sorry – saw you other comment before this one – you are absolutely right about wanting the old Ants back!
oh jeez- just read some of the other comments and mine was not original–but it does back up my theory –
It sure does!
Dreams are a good way to work things out.I had a nightmare earlier this week about an old issue that still rules my life. I could relate to your fear because in the dream I feared for my life and still felt the emotion upon awakening but also did some work on “my story” while I was still dreaming.I changed the outcome and think, no, know there is some healing of an old wound going on.The comments reminded me to do some journalling and talk to my dreams.Carl Jung wrote that the best analysis is our own (avoids projections of others in the interpretation)though listening to others is helpful, and usually the first thing that comes to mind is the most correct.Messages are not necessarily literal but symbolic.This where journalling or blogging comes in, helps me to understand over time as more is revealed.Peace, Jane
I have incredibly vivid dreams all the time so that’s a good idea to write them down. I love your idea of changing ‘your story’ in the dream – brilliant. Peace to you to Jane. Julie
We can never really know what the Parkinson’s person feels about the alternative world they experience. I do know that my dad was scared and did not like the invaders. We can sympathize with them from our own understanding of day or night dreams, but we will never be able to empathize, as we are not in their world. All you can do is remember that you woke and you are safe now. You are wonderful support for Anthony, and though he may not be able to say ‘Thank you’ much anymore, you are taking great care of him, as expressed through the words of your blog. It is like the Parkinson’s person has 2 faces, the one that is frozen and the one we remember. Both are parts of the whole. I think the laughing Anthony wants you to always remember that face.
Your description of your dad’s ‘invaders’ is so apt. Thank you so much for this comment and I think you are right about Anthony. Strange that I ended the post imagining he would laugh when I told him about the dream when of course he can’t laugh – I keep forgetting!
I think that Tilly is right on with her interpretation!
She’s a wise one, that Tilly!
Wow Jules that was intesnse to ead, I can only imagine how intense it was to dream. I think the stress you’re under is being expressed through your dreams.
Yeah it was one of those dreams you don’t forget – yikes!
What a lively and crazy dream! Funny how our minds try to work things out during our sleep they can’t figure out while we’re awake. Should I suggest a glass of wine before bedtime? 😉
Don’t worry – I already do the drink thing – for me it’s beer – haha!
Wow. scary. I wonder if this was your brain trying to figure out which is your real Anthony – the one now or the one from the past.
Yes, that’s probably an apt interpretation!
I so love the way you write.
The dream you described is so well done, I saw both Anthonys. It’s too bad it was a frightening dream. Do you believe in dreams? I don’t, but I can totally understand why you saw two Anthonys in your dream. Why the dream frightened you, I’m confused by. I could understand your upset, though, being confronted with your two Anthonys. It’s got to be hard to reconcile the two you know.
It’s amazing the insight you gained in a dream. I’ve had odd occurances that I remember vividly, only to find out later it didn’t happen. I don’t see people (at least I don’t think I do) or animals. It’s odd little things, like knowing I mailed a check, only to find it a week later in my purse. Then later, when I go to mail it the second time, I can’t find it. I now think of these little episodes as a form of hallucination and I can relate somewhat to how your Anthony must feel. Confused, and afraid you can’t trust your own mind.
You’re a good, strong woman, an excellent writer and I look forward to reading your next blog.
One of the most frightening things within the dream was that neither of the Anthonys spoke so they were a bit ghosty – weird.
I really appreciate your lovely comment – Juliexx
A laugh would be a good thing for both of you.
Yes, that is for sure!