jmgoyder

wings and things

A wonderful realization

on July 4, 2012

Well, it took a wordpress glitch to shake some sense into me. The notifications of blogs I’d subscribed to (even though I did that whole unsubscribe thing awhile back) weren’t coming through to my email account, so I got a bit worried and, yes, felt a little lonely not to get those emails.

Various comments suggested that other bloggers were experiencing glitches like this and several said they simply use the Reader to check up on their blogfriends. To cut a long story short, I went in and unsubscribed from every single blog in order to resubscribe when my particular glitch was solved.

But halfway through the unsubscribing process, I realized that blogging has become my way of avoiding things, avoiding some of my responsibilities, avoiding Anthony and the pain of what he is going through in this final phase of Parkinson’s disease.

So, from now on, and I’m sure none of you will be hurt by this because I have totally unsubscribed from everyone – I am simply going to write a daily blog, respond to comments and that’s it. I have to do this for awhile so that I can focus on Anthony and Ming, so for those bloggers who I am close to, with whom I have exchanged support, humour etc., please forgive me. I will catch up with your blogs as soon as I can and I am available by email anyway.

I have decided to stop using blogging as an avoidance strategy.

Hopefully this makes sense!


61 responses to “A wonderful realization

  1. It makes 100% sense. We would have been upset if you had announced you were stopping posting. Go look after the people who matter – and that includes you 😉

    • jmgoyder says:

      I was trying so hard to keep up with everyone’s blogs – and I love yours so much but just can’t keep up at the moment with anything (including housework!) – thanks for support.

  2. tootlepedal says:

    I shall miss your cheery cheery comments but I will follow you on your journey.

  3. victoriaaphotography says:

    I know everyone will understand Julie.

    It’s easy to become addicted to blogging – to use it as a crutch. It passes the time until you suddenly realise that it’s time to let go and get on with the important things in your real life..

    Your virtual life is always humming along in the background if/when you want to revisit.

    • jmgoyder says:

      I thought I might just post a photo and/or a couple of sentences every day (to keep myself connected). Anthony has deteriorated badly in just a couple of weeks so he really needs me more. I thought I might take my laptop into nursing home and keep my other writing going that way (not the blog as there isn’t internet connection in his room). At least I will be with him more – can’t stop crying because this last phase seems so sudden and can’t believe he was chopping wood (very feebly and only for 10 minutes) just 2 weeks ago. Very teary tonight.

      • victoriaaphotography says:

        I am so sorry to hear Anthony has deteriorated so rapidly.

        No matter how much you are warned for this development, the shock is still there when it happens.

        I know many more tears will fall in the coming weeks.

        There’s nothing anyone can do to take away the pain, except to listen and pray that Anthony doesn’t suffer too much. I’m sure he is in the best place possible for care. Knowing you are with him will at least comfort him as time goes by (even if he doesn’t show it openly).

        I am thinking of you and wishing you strength of mind & body (at this difficult time in your life).

      • jmgoyder says:

        Thanks so much Victoria. Luckily Anthony is not in physical pain except at night and the care at the nursing lodge is exceptionally good so there is much to be grateful for. I am going to have to spend more time in there instead of bringing him home because I can’t lift him by myself. I’ll keep in touch with you. Juliexx

  4. You do what you need to do. I’m proud of you. 🙂 I love your commitment. 🙂

  5. artfulanxiety says:

    It’s good to focus on your life, especially since the two boys in it sound like they are totally smitten with you. There is a lot of love there, and it definitely comes out in these blogs. Just thought I’d let you know that I drove home from work on Monday – not too sure if you read that because I didn’t get a comment from you and, to tell you the truth, I always love to hear your support. But that’s okay, I’ll be here commenting on yours, so I’ll keep you updated 🙂

    • jmgoyder says:

      So wonderful that you drove home on Monday. I love keeping up with you and will try to continue and please know how much I admire you. I guess I have just hit a difficult patch because Ants is dying slowly and Ming doesn’t want to know and I can’t stop crying. Jx

  6. Ms. Boice says:

    You have my support! I totally get how blogging is an escape. Always here for you when you need support even if I can only supply photos of birds.

    • jmgoyder says:

      I’ll eventually catch up with your beautiful bird photos and other blogs too but just need to focus better on what I have to do now in terms of … well you know.

  7. Good luck – avoidance, by the way, is not always a bad thing. It can help keep your sanity in check–but I wouldn’t list to me, my sanity is on an extended vacation.

  8. Rhonda says:

    We laugh with you, get frustrated with you (not with you, but with you..you know what I mean), we cheer with you, so please know we’ll cry with you too Jules. Do whatever you have to for yourself and Ming and Anthony. I know we all wish we could do something more…but all we have are our words and our wishes. Our words are our hearts and our wishes our hugs, and they are all yours.
    xoxo
    R

  9. My heart is breaking for you, Anthony and Ming. We all understand the need to shrink your world for now and focus in on the three of you. The virtual world is an amazingly supportive place, but it will never replace the strength we draw from human contact. Take care of yourself. And be kind to yourself.

    • jmgoyder says:

      Thanks so much again, Linda – yeah your words ‘shrink you world’ are a perfect descripion of what I need to for the moment – thanks so much! Juliexx

  10. terry1954 says:

    for some reason this just made me sit here and cry

  11. I’ll know where to find you, and if you reading my blog makes our friendship than its a pretty shallow friendship. And I know its not. I completely understnd and applaud you Jules. It makes complete sense and I DO know what you mean. Taking a hiatus is an excellent way to regroup. I have unsubscribed too and cleaning out old blogs that I never visit and they never visited me was cleansing emotionally.
    I no longer am hung up about getting every blog and comment read. I cannot do it. So I have come to realize that for me what is important are these closer friendships I have developed. This is where my energy goes, alone. I’m open to meeting new bloggers that may be included in my small tribe, but I have become much more choosier in who I subscribe to now.

    I admire you for realizing that you were masking the painful times that you are experiencing because of your dear Ants progression. Simplifying now is needed to help you cope. I think that is important and you’ll weed out what is not necessary and may even be toxic.
    You’ll not get this now. but I promise you that this time will later be looked back on with much deep affection. You’ll be able to see and recall the precious moments and let the bad recede in the back ground.

    Taking care of Julie is your number one job. Be kind and gentle with my friend, okay?
    And please keep in touch~I’d miss you. 🙂

  12. janechese says:

    I understand. I am glad that you are blogging.For me, reading them all does take time and sometimes gets a little ridiculous.I have dropped the ones that are not written by the person themselves.Take care, look forward to your blogs. Jane

  13. Robyn Lee says:

    Oh Julie, Was beginning to worry when I hadn’t seen you check in recently. I understand completely. The best strategy is to do what feels right…and it seems at this time your heart is saying that you need more time with Anthony and Ming.

    I enjoy the blogging as well, and never expected it to be so interactive emotionally, but can also see that it is a definite escape (which I truly need) but feels a little bit like a responsibility too, and for you right now, it seems you don’t need more of those.

    I’m not sure how much longer I will be able to keep up with following fellow bloggers on a regular basis… have started to resort to the ilke button ati times when I just can’t manage to sit for extended periods to type comments etc.

    For you… never fear you will loose prayers and support here. I’ll miss you at “my place” but if I have a really intense or special post – I’ll just send you my own email “notification” — 🙂 Most important is to take the best care of YOU! the virtual family is here whenever you need us… but your live family obviously is a priority right now… so you are doing the very best thing. When you need lightness or shoulders to cry on — this is the place. Freeing up some of yourself sounds like a perfect strategy. ~ Sending love as always xo Robyn Lee

    • jmgoyder says:

      Thanks Robyn
      I think once the WP glitches are fixed, I will have regrouped and can go back to reading more blogs. I can still access them so that’s good and will certainly be doing so with yours because you are such a great friend. I know you understand and much love to you in your own immense struggles.
      Juliexxxx

  14. Judith Post says:

    Avoidance is a tempting thing. I understand completely. You three need each other right now.

    • jmgoyder says:

      Yes – I have also realized that the computer itself is a kind of avoidance thing – I go to it first thing in the morning as if greeting a friend!

      • Judith Post says:

        Me too. Coffee and computer=good morning. I give myself an hour to check e-mails, blogs, twitter, etc. and make myself try to market at least one thing. And then it’s time to hit the keys and try to write something. I can lose myself in that for hours, but I remind myself that people come first. Usually.

      • jmgoyder says:

        Glad I’m not the only one!

  15. Pat Bean says:

    It makes perfect sense. I have days when I simply hit the delete button on all because my time priorities have been used up. And i only really read a half dozen blogs each day because of time constraints. I’m sure I miss a lot of great ones, but there’s just not enough time in the whole world.

  16. Just as long as you don’t stop writing!

  17. ceciliag says:

    It makes perfect sense.. we can still visit you over here you know!! so strong you are!.. c

  18. Jo Woolf says:

    Totally understand your situation, and sending lots of warm wishes to you all.

  19. kdkh says:

    Three thoughts. #1You must be the master of your time; no denying that. Consider the blogs to be a river. Take a sip now and then, and let all the others go. No guilt. No obligation.Sometimes, the message you need for the day find its way to you that way. So sometimes, it’s more than a time-waster, although it can be that too.

    #2 When you’re ready to read again, and aren’t getting email notices, here’s what to do. You can change your notification settings for blogs you subscribe to. I also had wondered where my notifications were, until I discovered “settings.” Go to the “Reader” icon, and select “Blogs I Follow” and the little words next to it: “Edit list.” There, you can change the notifications for each blog, individually.

    #3 Take care of yourself, not just Anthony and Ming. We’re here to support you during a tough time. We don’t intend to cause you more hardship. Take care.

    • jmgoyder says:

      Thank you so much for that information kdkh! I love your idea of the blogs as a river – Jxx

      • kdkh says:

        I wish it was original, but I got it from Zenhabits, an independent blog (not wordpress). I’d send you the link, but it was broken. Besides, it would have taken a long time to read, and you only needed a couple of sentences! Hang in there!

      • jmgoyder says:

        Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  20. Michelle says:

    Jules, can you give Ants a hug from me and from the family. We are thinking of him and thinking of you and hate that living the dream means being away from you guys. What would be the best way to contact him. I’m thinking of writing a letter (and sending it by email to you to print) just sharing all the news from here and sending him our thoughts. would that suit you guys?

    • jmgoyder says:

      Michelle – you are so lovely and I am so happy you guys are living the dream. I fill Anthony in on what you say on your blog and told him yesterday about Sage’s amazing tribute to Bob, but yeah an email would be great and I can read it to him. This slow death thing really sucks. Love you

  21. bluebee says:

    Absolutely, Julie – I understand and know that while blogging is a marvellous escape during times of extreme stress, it pays to bow out for a while at intervals. BB xxx

  22. It does; you are right to do what’s best for you.

  23. lynnwyvill says:

    Good for you to decide what you is best for you! Writing a blog and responding to comments is a lot of work. And then the most important thing is to take care of Anthony and Ming, as well as yourself. Thank you for stopping by my blog and pressing like.

  24. Fergiemoto says:

    That’s a good realization. Family first!

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  26. Alícia says:

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