When life holds its breath
And the rubbish bin hasn’t been emptied yet
And the dishes haven’t been done again
And you hope for the unthinkable
That you will only be able to breathe again when he can’t
When your friends either overwhelm or discard you
When your family pities you and can do nothing to help, no matter how hard they try
You can always smash the lung balloon of life and make it breathe again
Or not
You can remember every single moment of your life with the person who is dying
Loud, boisterous parties in the kitchen with the stereo blasting
Discovering little bits of each others’ stories like drops of sweat or dew
A single perfect camellia
A cheeky half moon
A baby, now grown as upright as a karri tree
A child who doesn’t remember, but knows his father was not always as ill as now
A teenager who doesn’t remember our holidays, our joy, our frivolity
When life holds its breath
All you can do is wait for the inevitability of death
And hope the slow motion can be fast forwarded in order to skip the bad and boring bits
So that your own breath will come back
So that things will not be endlessly paused
A story with a definite resolution
A bird dead or alive but not dying, not dying
When life holds its breath
You have to tap it on the shoulder
Make it see what you see
Give it mouth-to-mouth
Kiss death, kiss life
Brandish humour like a sword
Overcome fear with love
Embrace the influx of crows
Stop wondering why
Stop crying and crying and crying
Take the white peacock feather from the ground and put it behind your ear
Wrestle the dreams of falling by becoming a giant
When life holds its breath
You have to make sure you can breathe for yourself
You have to hold the hand of your dying husband
You have to candle yourself into a glowing smile
You have to flap your wings like an angry gander with no tomorrow in mind
You have to remember and love all of the people you once knew who were dying and you did nothing
And understand the why of the fear of impending death
The loneliness of now and the absence of then
When life holds its breath
jmgoyder 
That is beautiful and very moving.
That’s how if feels – I keep forgetting to breathe – ridiculous. You are kind to comment – thankyou!
I am so sorry Julie. Wish there was something I could do for you.
This is so damn beautiful it hurts.
(hugs)
R
I just spoke to Ants on the phone and his speech is half mumbly, half okay. How long?
What a question to have to ask everyday.
sucks ass jules
Oh Rhonda – thank you! Juliexx
I’m always here to add to your repertoire of bad language. you can count on me! let me know when you need more. xo
I would like you to compile me a looooong list – ha!
in words it all seems so clear, in life or half-life it does not; being in limbo of any kind is awful–being in this kind of limbo is heartwrenching; I love your “you have tos”–so much of this is beautiful, based on love and fear and the question when–it would be more beautiful if it wasn’t true
You are so accurate here – wish it weren’t true.
I’m crying. I hope you’re all gandered out, woman! Your wisdom never ceases to astonish & delight. Love, j
Don’t you dare cry – hehe! So good to hear from you – how are you? I’ll check out your blog although am still having WP probls
i loved this and understood every single word. i am reblogging it in your honor.
Oh thank you – just saw this, Terry! Jxx
you are welcome
Reblogged this on terry1954 and commented:
it touched my heart and soul
Thanks Terry! I hope the situation you and Al are in resolved itself soon in a gentle way. Love Julie
thank you
This is a beautiful poem and solicits so much emotion. Well written. Thank you for sharing it.
It’s not that literary but it is sincere – thanks Diana! Jx
Amazingly powerful piece…had me holding my breath while I read. My heart goes out to you in this anguish. Praying peace will come upon you all…
Thank you very much – I don’t know you but you sound like someone who understands. Juliexx
Remember when you cry, that sometimes God cries too, and when your tears mix with the tears of heaven they are saved and God makes miracles with them later,
Thanks Katrina – I will keep remembering that in the next phase. You are a legend! Juliexx
I loved your poem so much that with each tap of the down arrow I hoped there was another line and then another. I was pleasantly surprised that you did go on and extend the metaphor. Grief is the price of love and your words masterfully described the interplay between the two. Your writing is both personal and universal. I can’t say enough about how much I enjoyed it. All that being said, I feel your pain and I am sending you strength to not only bear it but continue to acknowledge your experience. You are a wise woman! –Daylily
What a beautiful comment Daylily – can’t express my gratitude to you enough – thank you! Jxx
Julie, even in the midst of everything you are dealing with, your heart just leaps out and hugs everyone who is blessed to be touched by your writings. I know this piece is ever so personal, and brings floods of tears to my eyes reading….but it also shares wisdom and teaches others about feeling and embracing ‘what is’ with such grace — there is something here that we can all relate to on some level. You are so generous with your spirit, and so beautiful in your expression of it. I hope with all my heart that the collective energies of your friends here and in your world there, can lift you and comfort you – bring you strength and peace as you continue this turbulent journey. Prayers and Hugs and Kisses to you dearest julie xxooo
You, Robyn, are one of a kind. I so appreciate our friendship – Juliexx
xo
Beautifully written and very powerful, yet painful.
Very touching.
Am determined to write something funny next!
Stunning. You are an amazing writer. I wish I could take away your anguish, though.
It’s getting harder to find my sense of humour but your blog helps!!
Very deep, introspective and well written! Thank you Terry!
Yeah, Terry and I are in a very similar place at the moment.
Wrenching and raw, Julie – rips out the heart. A beautifully emotive poem.
I seem to be good at sentimental writing – hehe!
This is so beautiful and you articulate your confusion and pain so well. A hug for you.
Thanks Warm Heart!!
Wish I could give you a big hug
Me too!
Simply freaking awesome! Loved it.
Thanks! That’s kinda what I feel like – holding breath. Juliexx
Oh Julie….
This moved me so much, may I please reblog it?…I had tears, and felt EVERYTHING you were saying, You my dear have a gift.
XXOO
Camsgranny!
Yes and yes!
Reblogged this on camsgranny and commented:
My friend Julie and I are going through pretty much the same thing, the only thing while Momma is the Parksinon’s patient, Anthony is her husband, which in my mind puts her into the Farmer’s. Julie and I share a lot of stuff together and she is my support system while I like to think I am her’s. Julie has a way with words, that so totally floors me, this is Julie’s post that hit me on the day when I needed to hear some of the things she said…..
Thanks Jo for your ongoing support! Juliex
I have never read a better description of the wait for death than this one. Its clarity and honesty about a universal experience is impressive as are the words. Donate this to your local hospice. They need this for their training and to pass along to those who wait for a loved one to die. Reading this just might absolve someone somewhere of that guilt that the less self-aware feel.
Granny
Okay – thanks for this and I will do as you suggest! I really appreciate your comment. Julie
Julie, I didn’t realize that you are in that situation now. My heart goes out to you, child. You are doing precisely what you should be doing and the only thing you can do. Sleep if you can. Hold his hand and your breath. Friday will come. Bless you. Granny
Bless YOU Granny!
🙂 Remember, “They also serve who only stand and wait”, as Milton said. At the end of life, what we all need most is somebody to stand and wait with us. That is the greatest service and the greatest act of love. And, one few people can do. We wait with you. Granny
You are so generous – thank you!
You not only are a genius with words, you are a genius with life, and death, and survival, and wholeness. I stand in awe of you my daughter. I can only touch the outer rim of what your poem made me feel. M.L.
Thank you, Mother – don’t forget any strength I have, I inherited from you! Love you – Juliexx
Beautiful, so beautiful… I love your poetical spirit too. Thank you dear Julie, love, nia
Thanks Nia – I will have to access your blog via the Reader because I am still not getting notifications. Much love – Julie!
Its so wonderful the way you use words to express yourself. This beautiful, tender and painful poem shares with us (me) just what you are feeling and going through. I appreciate that you share this Jules, I cannot imagine so will not pretend to understand completely, but please know darling friend that I care and want to share this this time with you as you’ll allow.
You are teaching me I know, every post I read I am filing away. I know without a doubt that you sharing like this is helping you in ways you cannot see. But you are also doing a great kindness to people like me who see the horizon and what is on it. Thank you for that!
You really are such an awe-inspiringly encouraging friend – thank you BB again and again! Jxx
I had no words for you, only to tell you that I could feel your ache… The Baroness speaks for all of us. I am certain of it.
Love,
Lynda
You are too good to me!
Received this trough Terry1954’s blog. Very powerful words.
Thanks very much for these thoughts. Terry is wonderful isn’t she!
Wow! Your words are heartbreakingly beautiful. I wish they were just beautiful. You, Anthony and Ming are in my prayers.
You are a bright star Linda!
What a wonderfully expressive piece, you have covered everything here, it must be so heartbreaking for you to write these words, you are very brave, xxx
I am honestly not sure if writing about this dreadful grief is good or bad but I have to do it – thanks for your very kind wordsxxxx