‘How are you?’ has become, in whatever language, an almost universal way of saying ‘hello.’
Nobody ever wants the ‘how are you?’ recipient to say anything beyond, ‘I am fine, thank you and how are you?’
Sometimes I forget about this ‘How are you? I am fine’ etiquette and I either respond to ‘how are you?’ with a novel-length tale of woe, sprinkled with some joy (or vice versa) – or, even worse, I interrogate the howareyouer by probing how they really are. Neither of these two alternatives have proved satisfactory because, inevitably, I either give or receive that thing that is sometimes labelled ‘foot in the mouth’.
‘How are you?’ has become a statement of niceness, a verbal gesture of care; it is not a question requiring an answer because it is sort of rhetorical – it is just a form of greeting and, as such, it is lovely.
Just imagine if we really, honestly answered that lovely question, ‘how are you?’ like this:
- I’m tired and I don’t want to talk to you
- My life sucks
- I don’t know
- I’m envious of your perfect life
- I’m bloody sad
- Anthony is deteriorating
- I am on the brink of poverty and wondering if humans can eat grass and leaves
- How the hell do you think I am?
- I am hating the world today
- I am crap
So, you see, you can’t answer the lovely question in those ways because you would seem rude, ungrateful, self-indulgent etc. and the poor howareyouer would never ask you again!
‘How are you? is a bit like ‘What are you doing today?’ because the latter is a question that expects you to be doing either something or nothing, but it mostly wants you to be doing nothing so that the asker of the question can help you do something. So you either have to say ‘I am … ‘ and try to remember your schedule for the day, or you have to be really honest and say, “I am sitting down and I plan to sit down for much of the day, so I don’t want my sitting down interrupted.”
But you can’t say that to the really busy people who care enough to ask you how you are and what you are doing so you say things like, ‘I am about to embroider the paddock with sunflowers’ or else just say you have lots of appointments (but you don’t divulge that most of your appointments are with the chair you are sitting in because you really love the chair and are a bit frightened to get off the chair today.)
How are you?
What are you doing today?
jmgoyder 
……..Funny tummy, thankyou.
……..In fact, I’ve been dozing most of the afternoon.
……..I’ve been doing b—– all today, thankyou.
How are you?
(you don’t need to answer that as now I’ve woken up, I’m cooking dinner and watching The Hairy Biker’s cooking show on TV).
Who the hell is the hairy biker?
(:
I love the hairy bikers! Which version…original Brits or US? Both are great (but I prefer the US) 🙂
Aussies!
Oooooh, there’s an Aussie version too? How sweet! Do they stop in the middle of the road, pick up, cook, and eat road kill there too? Yum…squashed possum!
I would love to meet you – you are so weirdly wonderful!
Well I would love to meet you too, but I’m not gonna tell you that you are weird! THAT needs to be said in person Jules. So, how are ya? 😉
I cannot think of a more wonderful thing to be called!
so I gathered from your last comment. (ps…that WAS the point wasn’t it?) LOL
And I think I’m in darn good company!
I’ve just contacted the wordpress happiness engineers to report that you have implied that I might be weird. This is a serious issue Rhonda – hehe!
ROFL…I’m sorry, I meant to be perfectly clear! You Are Weird. And I love you for it!
Ah, that’s better! Now I am going to go back through the comments to catch up with my own thoughts (I’m not sure if your thoughts are catchupable but I will try!)
THAT word is going into my blog dictionary! (no, not the most recent one…I have an actual collection of words that tickle me and this one tickles)
I have just remembered a phrase for something that I am going to tell you on your blog!
Oh let me guess…..nope, surprise me
I just told you on your blog!
got it. and it’s a good suggestion
Where I work, I ask that question. Often the responses are really left field like, “could be better” or a story about how the trip over was terrible. One of the perks working in a customer service roll?
Oh, and I’m ok. Face hurts though.
Ha! Well I don’t mean that about your poor face but you know what I mean – all best with getting stitches out and everything. Your partner sounds so lovely!
An amusing thing happened to me, with my wife, we were walking into a building when we bumped into a good friend of ours…”How are you” from her, I answered with “I’m dying” she answered without batting an eyelid “that’s nice” and started to question with “what are you two up too?” again I answered “going to the mortician” … “that can wait, come with me I want to show you two something” … she stood mouth agape with Linda and I crying with laughter… she had not heard a word I’d said…
Perfect example and now I am crying with laughter!
I hear you – and my favorite is “what’s new”? I think people should stick to “hi” — noncommital and friendly without the formality of hello
we have been going through a lawsuit since 2005 that took our business away from us and there are times I almost had to use the answer that “I am on the brink of poverty”–but that would have been awkward — we are on the brink of gettting that business back, but the struggle in the meantime meant that not answering ‘how are you honestly’ was hard (by the way this is a breakthrough for me– I made like Cleopatra and lived in denial for a long time)
Omg – I hear you too!
sorry about spilling that stuff – I do not know what came over me
Why? I think it’s great and YOU are great!
thanks 🙂
The other one is…. “What’s up?” I always reply, “The sky”. And wait and see if anyone is actually listening… sometimes they are, and they act surprised, most times, they just say, ‘that’s nice’. haha! not listening now are you?
I hear you! it is an ubiquitous expression that has lost any meaning!
I hear you (hahaha!)
… with me is everything fine – but I hate all the iron I have to do .. and that makes me moody – so beside being fine I’m right moody and I’m suppose to do ironing. I think we should tell the truth how we are … and why should it be rude ???? If they don’t really want to know .. they should stick to hello. *smile
I hate ironing!
Join the club.
At times, I’ve responded to “I’m fine,” with ” mmmm … Liar!” I get plenty of laughs and confessions. Truth, then.
My response is to ask, “Is that just a social remark or do you really want to know?” My interlocutors back off for the most part and say, “Just social”. My invariable reply to them is a very breezy, “Never better”. To the serious enquirer I either respond “Never better” or give them the truth. Sometimes I am feeling OK though.
Oh, may I borrow your response? It’s perfect.
I so know this drill ~ wouldn’t’ it be better if the person just said…
“Hi, so nice to see you” ~ then no need to come up with appropriate response!! My canned response is ~ “Doing my best” — I just can’t lie!!!! 🙂 xxooo Sending LOVE!
I think your response is perfect!
So surreal. I was visiting friends in the mountains yesterday and we had a conversation about this exact topic!
Hell – that is amazing!
somehow in the messed up mind of my life i understand what you are saying…………….i get more how are you’s on here. in person not one person ask how i am, other than the friend that lives two hours away. i hate pouring my guts out to all of you, but i don’t know what to do with the pain, hurt and heartache i have stored inside like a silo at a barn scene. this is my life and i have not got too many fun frilly things to say. believe it or not, the real inner person inside of me is full of laughter, jokes, and plenty of smiles
I know exactly what you mean Terry.
i am glad u do…….
I’ve batted this topic around, too. Generally, I offer the typical response of “Fine” knowing that no one really wants the blow-by-blow account of my life. It’s just easier to go with the social flow on this one.
Yes.
People keep asking me “How has your summer been?” and look stunned when I tell them the truth. So, I’ve gone back to lying.
Oh I can see those stunned expressions – ha!
Well said. Lots of times when I answer truthfully, they scatter like flies. Good way to weed the friendship garden. Some friends are superficial and that is okay. I am grateful for the friends that really are asking how I am and will listen to the answer. Well Julie, I am lazy, slept in ’til noon but going to the park and take photos.It is hot out today so better not push myself too much.I wish you well and if the chair is your choice I think that is a good choice.
Ah a person who knows!!!
Dare I be me? Haven’t heard back from you if me being me is a good thing or a bad thing yet…but i’m taking the plunge. That question gets the following from me…”I’m perfect”
(expected something else huh?) lol Yeah, thought so.
I am reading your comments backwards which is probably sensible – you rock!
Actually I do…every chance I get. All I have to do is move a 100 pound black lab out of it, and I can rock all day. That what you meant? 😉 And reading me backwards is ALWAYS a good idea.
Stop it – I can’t take this much laughter!
Oh now you’ve done it. Don’t tell weird people to stop being weird! It don’t work.
I used to say to Ming (he wore a belt tucked into the back of his shorts as a tail from ages 4-5) ‘you are so weird’ he initially asked me to stop it until I said that I adored his weirdness. Now, when I call him weird, he says thankyou as if I have complimented him which, of course, I have!
LOL…we used rags. 😆
And ok, point taken.
Thank You
When I hear that question “What are you doing today?” I think what do you want me to do for you because when it is asked by my daughters or sisters or mother if I say nothing then I will get well can you help me with such and such or can you drive me somewhere ok the drive them somewhere is what they say after “do you have a car?”………..Sometimes while out shopping when I get asked “how are you?” I have replied you don’t want to know because I am in a rotten mood or because I feel like shit
Ah ‘you don’t want to know’ is a great answer – you are hilarious about the other question!
I think the question makes some people uncomfortable so, they give the standard answer and hope you’ll move on. Depending on who asks me the question, and the tone of their voice, I’ll give them the whole enchilada story and then apologize for boring them, 😆 or I’ll give the proverbial but infinitely dull answer — Fine.
I wrote a post on this and some people never answered the question … Interesting right? As for Me, I’m tired and overwhelmed. I need a vacation I can’t afford. I’m grateful for my friends and family and it’s my birthday so Woohoo to me!! What was the question again? 😆
It’s your birthday? Well HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love your honesty so much.
What are you doing today? Such an interesting one. It seems one is not allowed to decline an invitation when one is doing nothing – why is that? Do we have to resort to saying, “Nothing, and it’s going to stay that way”? Some people seem to find it insulting that one would rather do nothing sometimes than engage in social activity with them.
Oh yes yes yes – so glad I am not the only one!
Really loved this post Jules. It’s so true.
I have a close friend here that she and I have made a pact with one another. It’s not allowed when asked how are you to say “Just Fine” If one of us is asking then the telling reply has to be the truth.
With friends that matter if you’re asking How I am then you better really want to know. I am not playing word games that really have no sincereity.
Strangers, they do not know me nor I them. Then it matters none..
So, Jules, How are you? ~ BB
Fine thanks, how are you?
I’m fine, just fine. Thanks for asking….. ~ BB xoxo
At least we both really mean it!
Amusing, but so true! This is definitely a rhetorical question, and the sender has no intention of hearing a full-scale, up-to-the-minute, OR a short, but bitingly honest answer to their “question”! Safe to take it in as a greeting, rather than a question.:)
Definitely!
My son has recently discovered that when people ask “How are you?”, they really don’t care about the answer. It frustrates him to no end. He keeps telling me that he doesn’t even get a chance to answer before the questioner is on to greeting another person. I’m getting worried about how he’ll begin answering people when they ask.
Wise boy, your son. He will have to start saying, ‘Do you really want to know?’
Fed up.
Too much.
Good answers!
sometimes i would forget the line between social “how are you” and work. when asking a patient how the are we really want to know. i have come very close a few times to being a bit onery and tell the truth, just once for my own little devil i might actually say dying and how are you? i have judged that to be unkind and so will not do it but oh there are those times when the temptation is very strong!
When Anthony got diagnosed with prostate cancer ontop of everything else, I was tearfully telling a friend that he was dying and the friend said, oh well everyone is dying – that gave me a shock. It would be interesting to see what the response would be if you did say ‘dying, how are you?’ but you are too kind to do that to anyone.
As far as I am concerned you are 100 pct correct “how are you” has in fact become the new hello. But when I am asked that question (normally while standing in a line) I respond “Old and Cranky,” which immediately generates a head bob, and a quick look. When they see my smiling face and Santa appearance, they relax and normally their smile becomes genuine, and it has in fact become “Hello.” — great post thanks
Hi! Thank you so much for this comment – I loved it. I just checked out your blog and you are doing it tough. I would like to follow you. Julie
Julie please do, it would be my pleasure to have you follow along. Thank you, Bill
Done – now following!
I wonder if people started asking “how are you?” as a way to pre-empt someone from asking them.
A friend who is 93yrs old always responds with “I’m doing okay, all things considered.”
That 93 year old friend has a good answer.