wings and things

Love story 98 – I don’t remember

on September 24, 2012

Lately, I’ve been telling Ming stories about how Anthony used to be. The trouble is, even though to some extent I remember and am so glad I have written the various love story posts into this blog, I can’t remember Anthony in a way that reconjures him. It’s hard to explain but it’s like a shadow crosses my memories so that I see fleeting images of him: running around the paddocks rounding up cattle; milking the cows; having drinks with his mother on the veranda; wolfing his breakfast; winking at me …. I have hundreds of these image-memories but they are all very still – like the photographs never taken.

Every single time I see Ants, either in the nursing lodge, or when I get him home, I get a shock – every time. So not only is my memory faulty, my perception of now is too; I can’t seem to adjust to the reality of how incapacitated Anthony is.

Ming said the other day that he wished he had known Anthony when he was young. Me too.

45 responses to “Love story 98 – I don’t remember

  1. dcwisdom says:

    I’m sorry. I can feel your sorrow. You’re in my prayers tonight. Sending you BIG Texas love. XO

  2. Julie–it is hard to wrap your mind around. ((hugs))

  3. viveka says:

    I feel your sadness and .. your lost here …. I know it’s so hard to adjust to, I feel the same thing when I see my mum and her physical struggle – it makes me so sad.

  4. sbcallahan says:

    it is so hard to be on the other side and wonder how you will be remembered. i wonder if there is a transition in those memories once we are gone and not this living contradiction?

    it is a gift that you are recording these stories and are helping your son know anthony in a way that he can come back to whenever he wants. much as main stream culture, native americans believe in telling our history to the next generation. we are never really gone as long as we are in someones heart. anthony’s youth lives in you and your stories.

  5. What can we say other than thanks for sharing and hugs to you.

  6. adinparadise says:

    I’m so sad for you. Don’t ever let those good memories die. 🙂

  7. Sometimes our mind does weird things to protect us…not sure if that’ll make sense to you or not.

  8. Pseu says:

    It’s sad how memories are superimposed with what’s happening now, so that you loose sight of the person as they were before….but in my experience these memories are returned in some way, often in dreams, with huge clarity, when we least expect them

  9. Rhonda says:

    you know jules, those ‘shocks’ you get each time you see Ants? it is not faulty memory, it’s how your mind sees him, how your heart sees him. think back to a moment in time when you remember being extremely happy, within the last decade. Now try to remember if, during that time, you caught your reflection in a mirror and thought “well shit….that’s not me, I’m not that old”
    ever happened? has to me, many a time, more than ever now. what this tells me jules is our minds hold the best of us in it’s photo album….and the best of the ones we love….and records the images from our most content times. people often say “i’m glad i didn’t see him/her when they died, i don’t want to remember them that way’. well, seen or unseen, you wouldn’t remember them that way…our mind has other plans. see him the way you need to see him julie and i know Sir Ants still sees the beautiful bride he married those many years ago.

  10. Jo Woolf says:

    Maybe your memories are all still in there, still intact, but you have locked them away somewhere safe because you’ve had to be so strong and deal with the present. I think I agree with Pseu – your memories will return with time.

  11. Robyn Lee says:

    Oh Julie… I can understand this. I can even relate on a personal level. I sometimes take out old video of myself pre-pain/illness and just enmesh myself in the images…. trying to program my braincells so they can clearly register. I always want my loved ones to remember too.. and am constantly reminding them.  I know Anthony can’t do this… so you are left to try to connect all these confusing dots… it seems like a jigsaw puzzle that you can’t quite master — and hurts like hell… I am wrapping my virtual arms around you now — Much Love ~ R

  12. images are better than nothing – the memories will come back when you are not so stressed (which right now you are wondering when that will be) — hugs

  13. artsifrtsy says:

    I totally get it. I’m the oldest of my siblings so I’m the one who really remembers my grandma in all her vitality. My youngest brother especially has a hard time grasping the woman she was before her decline. We had planned a trip a couple of summers ago to a place where we had camped with my grandparents as children, and there was flooding so we couldn’t get there. He was so much more upset that I imagined he would be. He was counting on his older siblings to make her real to him. I have been doing my best to paint the picture for him – photos and keepsakes, stories and legends – but I know it will never be as real for him.

  14. terry1954 says:

    this is so sad, I can not even find words……………….i am so sorry Julie

  15. ltpen315 says:

    I am so sorry, Julie. I would hate to see you lose all the wonderful memories you have shared with us. God bless you.

  16. Helen says:

    So glad Julie that you are recording all these memories (wonderful, sad and funny) because even though you think at times you have forgotten things about Anthony, those memories are still tucked away in the back of your brain to surface at the most unexpected times!! Ming will now have them to treasure forever.

  17. I know with my nan I see her as she was when I was yonger and rarely see her as she is now bed ridden and some one who rarely speaks and at times with a blank look on here face when she looks at me as if she doesn’t know who I am and we were so close………… is upsetting but for the most part I just see my nanna who I love so very much and even though it is hard at times it will not stop me from visiting her every week……..

  18. Hmm. This makes me think I should try to videotape Cap’n Firepants a bit more often. Right now, he is reading to Dimples, and that is a memory I don’t ever want to fade.

  19. Sending hugs and sunshine (Is it still raining?).

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