I just trashed a rather sarcastic post I wrote yesterday because when we saw the skin cancer surgeon today I felt a little abashed. You see, I had wanted him to go see Ants in the nursing lodge, make a judgement about the skin cancer and schedule the operation; after all, his rooms are only a few streets away from the nursing lodge. Instead, Ming and I drove into town, picked up Ants, took him to the appointment and then back to the nursing lodge. Ants was fairly mobile so it wasn’t too much of an ordeal but I get very nervous taking him anywhere now due to various offshoots of Parkinson’s Disease that can happen suddenly.
This surgeon has operated on various of Anthony’s skin cancers before but not for several years. He is rather delightfully eccentric and so is his wife, who manages the practice, but I am a little uneasy with them because we had a bit of a red tape kerfuffle years ago and I got a bit cross. This time I decided to be polite and accepting of the red tape because the system requires it and perhaps my previous sarcasm should have been directed at the system? Or maybe I have a teensy anger problem at the moment, as does Mingy.
The internet is an interesting space in all its complexity but, due to the lack of censorship, it can also be a place of extreme havoc and a space in which the weaving of hate is possible. This happens on Facebook, on WordPress and on all sorts of websites. Sometimes I write something that I might not actually say; this is cathartic but also maybe a bit cowardly. For example, I wrote about my BNDN (Best Next-Door-Neighbour) yesterday more effusively than I actually spoke to her. Conversely, I have written to, and about, the unkind people in my/our life because if I tried to say these things, the door would be slammed or the phone hung up.
A beautiful relative tried to censor my blog a few times until I told her off because self-censorship is my speciality. I guess that’s the trouble with having friends and family reading your blog. You have to be so bloody careful what you say. One blog friend told me that none of her family or friends know about her blog and I think she was very wise! When I taught Creative Writing at the university I would always devote a lecture to the self-censorship conundrum because it is such a huge dilemma when you want to write something but you are scared someone will disapprove. I used to say, “Just pretend your parents aren’t looking over your shoulder. Write bile, write rage, write blood – write passion!” It seemed to work but it had its drawbacks because when it came assessing those assignments, it was like being hit by lightning in good and bad ways.
I am sometimes too honest for my own good and this week my anger has leaked into my posts because I didn’t know what else to do with it. That’s okay and I am fine with that. Nevertheless I did feel a little lighter trashing that post. Does anyone else do this?
jmgoyder 
Yes. I trash posts all the time because I’m scared of what people might say or that one day, maybe, people I know might read it. I think we mistake these blogs for personal journals at times, you know, the ones you keep under your bed.
oh! I’m glad it’s not just me!
so far i have not censored myself this way. there are times i don’t use a persons name, and once or twice i decided not to write about an event that would have made someone else realize they had been left out. i would guess our writing has been so different it has had some affect on our sharing. for many years writing reports for social workers to read and evaluate, then court reports for forensic patients. all of these taught me to stay away from inflammatory remarks. the problem is now i want to be more open as you are and yet find myself still a bit stifled. although lately it has not been too much of a problem.
writing is a great way to process our feelings and it seems healthy to write like no one else will read it and then if need be “trash” it:)
Yes, I used to trash posts all the time – for three reasons.
1. I’d post a photo I’d edited late at night in the dim light of my lounge and discover the next day, that I’d made a lousy job of it and it was too light or too dark or too…..something else.
2. I’d write words & sentences that revealed more than I really wanted to divulge about my personal life and emotional/mental/health state, so felt I had to delete it on re-reading it the next morning.
3. I’d get too enthusiastic about blogging and just about wore all my followers out (by posting too many posts in the one night), so I’d delete some the next day.
Sooooooooooo now I try to post every FEW days and RE-VIEW both the photos and the words in broad daylight before posting.
(But I still trash the occasional post…………………..just to trick Julie Goyder. But hopefully she’s now wiser to my ‘disappearing posts’ tricks and knows her computer is really JUST FINE and there’s no need to contact the WordPress Help Desk at all).
I have a virtual Mrs Tootlepedal at my shoulder saying, ‘Oh you can’t write that.’ I listen to her most of the time but then I lead a very calm life now that I am old.
That is okay – because that is what makes you human and connects us with you. If we wanted polite, we would read the websites published by so-called professionals. Continue creating posts that embody what you wish your blog to be.
I trashed one of my first ones once. I can’t remember why but I think it was because I didn’t like it. You are a wise woman Julie. It’s wise to check one’s motives and when I’m angry I try to calm down first before I speak. I’m mostly not successful though! 🙂
Julie, I think it’s just wisdom to consider how our words or lack of make others feel especially if they are family or friends. So yes, I’ve scrapped more than a couple of posts for those reasons. And there are subjects I avoid completely because I know a big segment of my readership have concrete and immovable beliefs that would cause upset if I pushed the envelope too far out. Freedom is never free. 🙂
I am super aware of who reads my blog, but I slip up on occasion. I find the trash a very good option for those times–I just eliminate them and poof they are gone. That is how you should look at yesterday’s post–though I really understand your frustration — you are worried and scared and so you should not be so hard on yourself.
I have read the self-censorship stuff a lot, but I cannot get past my parents’ reading over my shoulder (which they very well could be doing as they are in another dimension, I like to think of as heaven {though I have no real idea of what heaven is}).
Anyway (hugs) and do not be so hard on yourself!
Very well said, Julie–sometimes we just need that space to vent.
Ha, I have a collection of half-written diatribes that never got posted… but there are two that did, and I probably should trash them. Artfulanxiety is correct when she says that we can mistake our blogs as personal journals. But then, sometimes it is good to vent and get feedback… and far less expensive than paying for the luxury of a professional. 😉
I believe that most of us realize that you are really angry at the disease that is stealing away the love of your life, and it is OK to be angry. Who wouldn’t be?
~ Lynda
I’ve never done it, but thought about it plenty. Not sure what stops me actually opening the lid of the trash bin, but I have a sneaking suspicion it’s something like everything happens for a reason. I know exactly what you mean about saying more, good and bad, here than in person, and for me that might just be the point. If I were to go back and trash the ones that produced an aftershock w/in my family, then I’d feel like I’d been silenced once again. Which is worse? I don’t know…but the nail biting after hitting the publish button is common. Just remember though Jules…this is YOUR space, and what you do here…stays here! It’s YOUR ROOST, YOUR RULES.
xo
I needed that – thanks Rhonda!
🙂 always
Yeah – you know I often hesitate and then ask Julie’s opinion!!! I hear what you are saying – and guess there is some difference between a journal and a blog that should be respected… so we have to call on judgement – or advice of a friend. Definitely know what you are saying about family members too…. xxoo
You have much more self-restraint and dignity than I will ever have – I admire you so much!
Yes, I think we owe it to readers to self-censor. Most people can’t take raw, uncut versions of our lives. I can’t even read some autobiographies – they’re too dark for me. I’ve run across some poetry blogs that read like/worse than Edgar Allen Poe, and I think ‘what the heck are they on?’ Did you see The Passion of the Christ? I think Gibson did a remarkable job of taking a gruesome subject and inserting beautiful relief scenes. You do the same kind of writing here. Your subject isn’t quite as gruesome, but it’s tough and ongoing, and then you post about your birds or Ming’s music or life memories. You’re doing fine on your blog. I think you’re right to not rag on your neighbor – she’ll still be your neighbor later on. Yep, self-censorship. If you feel the need to write the deep stuff, keep a journal. But keep on keeping on. This might seem like it will last forever, but it won’t. There’s life on the other side, friend.
What a lovely comment – thank you so much for your wisdom, Wisdom!xxx
You’re one of those wonderful people who are filled with passion, but try very hard not to aim it at anyone, because you’re also very generous. You walk a fine line very well.
I have learned a lesson!
No. I write my blog and then make it sit for a day or two. When I come back to it, I revise it, if necessary. This gives me a cooling off period, if I need one. I am also a little less passionate and a little more analytical in my life – that’s just who I am. So I’m less likely to trash someone in the first place. I’m more likely to analyze why the doctor has such policies, etc. (He can help 3 people in the office during the time it would take to conduct one house-call, etc.) It’s not that I don’t get angry or passionate, it’s just that I analyze too.
I will become more analytical thanks to you!
Ha! As if you could change your fundamental nature? No, you’re fine the way you are. All passion and spark can be a good thing, except for a person in pain. Then, it cuts deep. Better to write it as you feel it, and trash the post later. Otherwise, what’s the therapeutic value?
my daughter may read my blog, but as far as i know, no one else that I know reads it, except my internet friends. what did the doctor say about Ant’s face? i wrote you a letter asking for your mailing address. I will need it for ho ho ho times………………winks!!!!
PO Box 23
Dardanup
WA 6236
AUSTRALIA
What’s my present? hahahahohoho!
Yes,I have trashed posts because when I read them I found them to be “too much” whining and edited them.The same with anger: I deleted much of it before I hit the “publish” button but it got it out of my system. I like ranting in my journal but now have stacks that I could probably burn and it is nice to observe that I have become more positive over the years..
Your journal idea is good.
The only posts I have trashed have been ones where I didn’t understand what I was doing when I posted them – it was never about content – more about appearance. I kind of jumped into blogging without doing much research on how they work – mostly this happens when I try to reblog or post a page and it ends up on my empty trainwreck accidental blog. Hope Ants is doing well.
Yes but you never put your foot in your mouth!
Not yet – or rather not yet in my blog:)
I do from time to time alter the wording on a post, especially if when I reread it, I think that it might cause offence or upset to someone. There are lots of people who read blogs that we are totally unaware of and I would never unwittingly want to cause distress.
Yes you are right – you don’t always know who is reading!
I’ve never trashed a post, but only certain family members know about it because much of what I write (eg my views on religion that sometimes creep into my poetry) would upset others and I don’t see the value in upsetting them. There are also a lot of things that I write about in notebooks that will never appear on my blog 😉
I think I need to be a bit more careful!
I trash them because they are bad writing, not because I’m censoring myself. I know that’s hard to believe – that I have trashed worse posts than the ones I actually publish.
Your posts are always brilliant and untrashable!
Thank you. That is very sweet!
Like most everyone else who commented,I’ve trashed files. Mostly, they are out of a sense of “putting too much out there” or that maybe I offered too much of my family’s life, I also have a bunch of drafts that I started then thought better of. Maybe the most extreme thing I’ve done is change a full blog to “privacy” mode. I had a lot of family document (old ones but still) and they were read by people ALL over the world. I began to doubt the safety of having them exposed so I deleted some of the documents and changed the status. Do I win the paranoid award?
A bit of paranoia is good – ha!
I’ve never trashed a post (at least not on purpose!) but I have refrained myself from writing and publishing one even though I really wanted to. Self censorship is all you need. After all, it’s your your blog and you’ll cry if you want to…
Ha!
I have chosen not to post things from time to time, but I’ve never removed a post. For one thing, that kind of thing really affects your google rank, and while I’m not hugely concerned with SEO, I do want my blog to stay at the top of searches.
Also, my blog’s a little different than yours – the purpose is different. Even in the last years of my mother’s illness I never posted any of the details of it, and I don’t ever post about other people. Just a different approach. Generally speaking, once a post goes up, it stays up exactly as it is – although I will go in and edit to correct my spelling and typos!
On the other hand, it doesn’t bother me a bit if people decide to remove posts. It’s their blog, after all, and they can do with it as they please!
To tell you the truth I suddenly got really terrified that they might somehow read the post despite it being highly unlikely. I think you are much wiser than I am, my friend!
on an article writing site i have published about 215 articles… I never gave though to who might read and who not… my only reason for writing was to improve it for our present enterprise… I wrote a few scathing attacks on GM companies… to the extent that another author commented to watch my back…. I’ve had over 71 000 reads on my articles… but Julie may I say one thing… I have never regretted what I have written, commented or said… I have only written what I have felt and why should I hide that..??? it is a release mechanism that one should air… it aids you and if the person reads what you’ve written…. it might just aid them….
Now that is really interesting and useful to me. I got a bit scared yesterday when I got a really horrible comment from an anonymous person who responded to a comment I had made on someone else’s blog (yeah, odd!) and it made me realize to be a bit more careful – not sure as am still a blogging novice. I agree with everything you say here and am stunned that you would be told to watch your back -hell!
I have had one person comment on my comment on someone else’s blog… I challenged the person to a debate on the subject of my comment… he remained anonymous and would not take the challenge… a wimp he turned out to be… too scared to back up his statement… you will get such people on the internet.. who for no other reason like to be an aggressive know it all, bullies whom when challenged run with their tails between their legs… Julie say what you want, it helps to air your feelings and you need it more than others… say your say and to hell with the rest… I’ll back you anytime you need it…
You are my hero!
a close friend and I have an expression But first know that she is a friend in all sense of the word and we live in the same town. She reads my blogs and we write novel length emails almost daily to each other when one of us is out of town. Every other night when at home. We rarely use the phone.
So this expression when w edo taht lind of wroting is” “puking all over the page” I know crude. What do you expect from two high desert mountain momma’s?
You just made me think of this.. and how true it is.
Writing is cathartic for you. You could try saving those particular posts in your draft folder, then go back to them. Or print them out and then trash them. It might be helpful in the future to go back and read how you were really feeling.
No I don’t although I do worry a bit at times the what I write will piss someone in the family off but if that is the case then I will most it anyway and tell myself in this family even if someone pisses us off we will get over it……………like when I wrote a post about my sister calling my newphew a moron she got really pissed off about it but she has since gotten over it…………….lol
I haven’t trashed a post yet, but I leave that option open just in case.