wings and things


on October 17, 2012

It is the beginning of my third day of being Godzilla since my tranformation on Sunday night and I am gaining a whole new perspective from my great height. One of the interesting things I’ve realized is that I have never been the boss here. It has been an old-fashioned sort of marriage with Anthony making all of the decisions to do with the house, garden, farm etc. Mostly this was fine with me and I deferred to him because (a) he was an older man; (b) I married into an already established home; and (c) I didn’t mind or care about the garden and house decisions.

Don’t get me wrong. Ants was never bossy or overbearing; it’s just that as a retired dairy farmer, he naturally took responsibility for all the home stuff and I went out to work and pursued my academic career. But now, when I look back, I see that I did not make any of the decisions. He did. For example, I couldn’t simply ring up and get someone to help us repair a pump or a fence or an electrical fault. This was always Anthony’s territory. Occasionally this would drive me mad and we would argue, but not often. Usually I would just give up and leave it to him.

On the other hand, we did make some decisions together – a new mirror, carpet, a car, new tiles for the kitchen, Christmas presents for Ming, and we had enormous fun doing so, but the final word was always Anthony’s. He was the boss. I was under the thumb, but the thing is, you see, I didn’t mind and anyway I was preoccupied with my teaching job and my writing.

As his health began to deteriorate dramatically (nearly 5 years ago), I wanted to buy a ride-on lawnmower to make it easier but he wouldn’t let me and that was that. I wanted to get reticulation but he wouldn’t let me and that was that. Many of my female friends were amazed at my lack of assertiveness and autonomy; after all Anthony was never dictatorial or bullying or nasty – it’s just that the power was his from the outset I guess and so I have never felt any sense of ownership in terms of this home that I love, this farm that I love. In fact all of my toiletries are still in a travel bag under the sink in the bathroom; I have never unpacked them!

Blip ahead to now (8 months since Ants went into the nursing lodge and 7 months since Ming’s scoliosis operation), the dynamics shifted subteley and I found myself under someone else’s thumb – Ming’s. Initially, I was so proud of him for taking on this role of ‘man of the house’, and he took the reins of control with alacrity. But several weeks ago, this arrangement began to fall apart – his bossiness exhausted me, and the bossier he became the more defeated I became. To top it off, my sorrow about Anthony kept clashing with Ming’s anger about Anthony and we began to avoid each other.

Of course there is a lot more to this but on Sunday it all came to a head and I finally realized I was actually being bullied, and I drew the line and took back a control that I never had in the first place. For a kid who is unfamiliar with the word ‘No’ this has been an interesting transition, so we are both experiencing brand new roles and it is rather wonderful! I love being the boss and today I have a lawnmowing man and his son out here getting the place back into shape and teaching Ming how to do stuff and I orchestrated it, I made the decision – me!

Even Godfrey, the Godzilla of ganderdom, has a new respect for me. Yeeha!

57 responses to “Godzilla

  1. camsgranny says:

    Sometimes, we need to “come into our own” so to speak, I am so proud, of you for picking up the reins. There is a new Sheriff in town, her name is Julie….Well wishes, my friend…:)

  2. meg lane says:

    And so do I, my amazing Daughter!!! M.Lane

  3. Andrea Kelly says:

    Good on you! Stretch those wings…er, I guess arms…a bit! 😉 Glad to hear things are running a bit more smoothly for you.

  4. terry1954 says:

    I am so proud of you , and I bet that Ming actually likes having you in charge over him being in charge. Good for you !!!!

  5. dcwisdom says:

    There comes a time when a woman’s gotta do what a woman’s gotta do! Kudos, my friend! You’re stepping up in fine fashion.

  6. All I can think to add here is “Go, go, Godzilla!”

  7. bulldogsturf says:

    You go for it… I’ve said it before… you are the number one… take the reins and run with it…

  8. Ming must indeed be in shock. Hope he comes out the other side and enjoys being freed of the ‘need’ to make decisions. He’s too young for all this responsibility whereas you have a lifetime of catching up to do!

  9. diannegray says:

    Well done! Sometimes the hardest things that happen to us really make us stronger. I’m sure you’ll be in total control of the farm in no time! 🙂

  10. niasunset says:

    my besst wishes, Love and big hugs! nia

  11. You are wonderful. You stepped up when you knew you had to.

    I suspect Ming is glad to have you take control – he is young to carry the load and he was probably relieved when you said enough was enough.

  12. victoriaaphotography says:

    Congratulations on your new role – Boss.

    I’m glad you took the Bull by the Horns.

    I always thought it was hard to be assertive and told my my office Boss so (from about 12 years ago). My Boss replied and said “Vicki, you’re the most assertive person I ever met” I was rather taken aback. Sometimes we really don’t know what we’re capable of.

  13. pixilated2 says:

    An epiphany? YES! And life is as it should be. This is exciting news, Julie!

  14. Rhonda says:

    while the reasons behind our ‘becoming’ are vastly different, I relate to this so well. One line that particularly struck home with me was “preoccupied with…..” That is exactly the case with me as I was always preoccupied with raising, caring for, doing for, being there for…my family that I never realized my input was never more than tolerated, respectfully, but still just tolerated. Not valued in any meaningful way nor wanted in any practical way. I take responsibility for this…I let it happen, let my voice be muted. Finding it, using it, asserting it, feeling confident in it, has been difficult after so long, but I can say this…I will never give control of my life to another again. It begins with the little things…which become huge things. You’ve recognized this, are facing it, are dealing with it, and you’ll not lose it (or give it up) again…this I know. Proud of you!

  15. Robyn Lee says:

    Go Julie – you claimed your power!! It feels good!! This is such wonderful progress. Believe it or not, may sit better with Ming than you think, takes some burden off his weighted shoulders… you know? And you feel more in control which is perhaps, a really great thing for you right now… I would think! Very proud of you xxxoo

  16. eof737 says:

    Good for you Julie and I am so proud of you…. And I bet once Ming gets comfortable with the idea, he’d appreciate the re-calibration of roles…. Rock on! 🙂

  17. As soon as Godfrey starts nipping you again, you will know that you need to kick things up a notch!

  18. bluebee says:

    You go, Godzilla! Bet the other birds are doing a secret merry dance 🙂

  19. Good for you, Julie. After all, you ARE the boss. Ming will just have to accept that and be second in command, helping you in every way possible because you are in this together.

  20. I think many women will just let the man take charge I did and my mum did it was just the way it was but when my dad went to work in Sydney for a year mum became her own woman and I have found my voice in the last year much to Tim’s annoyance at times……………lol So you have found your voice now so keep it…………

  21. tersiaburger says:

    Good for you! Isn’t it amazing that often it is not what we say but HOW we say it?

  22. sbcallahan says:

    whether ming likes it or not this is a gift to him and any women he starts a relationship with. he will understand about the balance of power and how important it is to be equal. without meaning to we had the same arrangement. it went beyond our own home to the properties we own. he would make these unilateral decisions and at times i knew nothing about them. as with you, i had my career to focus on. after moving to georgia i was surprised at how easily i could and wanted to be be a full partner. he of course was not so eager after so many years of going it on his own. he is 20 yrs older also. so happy and proud for you, stand your ground, ming will fight for homeostasis, that is the natural response to change like this. you will both be better for it!

  23. Judith Post says:

    Uh-oh, I feel a power surge. Glad you’ve decided to be a liberated woman…and a loving one. Flex those muscles and enjoy.

  24. Good for you for taking charge! It does feel good, doesn’t it? I’d love to find a man who would take charge and do things for me once in a while. I could use the break!

  25. Fergiemoto says:

    Good for you. Sometimes that just needs to happen.

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