Today I am travelling an hour up the road to meet my wonderful friend, Andrew, who will be travelling an hour down the road, to have lunch at the town halfway between his place and mine. Now Andrew, who I’ve mentioned in previous posts, is gay, and in a committed relationship. Despite these facts, Anthony has mentioned him a few times lately, in a suspicious way, so obviously I cannot tell Anthony about my lunch date today because I don’t want him to suffer the jealousy that has begun to rear its ugly head.
So I have to lie. And I have lied. I’ve told him that I have to take Ming to a party in this town and I might not be back in time to go and see him in the nursing lodge, but that I will see him tomorrow.
I have begun to develop a repertoire of lies to explain either my inability to come in to see him, or my inability to bring him home, because I am too gutless to actually tell him the truth when I know how much the truth will hurt him.
jmgoyder 
That’s not being gutless. You don’t want to hurt him, so you do what you have to do. It’s as simple as that. It’s as harmless a lie as telling kids there is a Santa Claus. For the greater good.
I find this comment very comforting – thank you.
This was very similar to what I was going to say as well. Hang in there!
I have a mixture of excitement and dread which is probably sensible!
I feel for you though, you don’t want to lie, especially to your husband whom you love so much. Don’t feel too bad about lying if the truth is so hurtful, and his mind seems to want to misinterpret things. They are white lies, told to keep Ants happier and more content, and make your life a little easier.
All these new phases – argh!
I am sorry it has come to this Julie, it has to be very hard
Little white lies in this case will do less harm…. but you should never feel the guilt…. Live a Little Life…. the 3 Ls…. you know you’re not doing wrong, and who is being harmed.??… No one…
True!
I’ve just found this quote on face book, left by one of the bloggers I follow…and just had to come and share it with you…
“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”
~ Mark Twain
That is the perfect quote to send me – thank you so much!
Oh dear, you must feel awful about it. This I know though, you are doing it from a place of love.
when patients would say they “had” to tell spouse or others the truth i would ask one question. why? is it to get it off your chest? if so remember you made the decision to do the wrong thing and now you just want to feel better. is it going to make this person feel better? then tell, if not keep it to yourself. no honesty is not always the best policy and you know that. what would be gained by telling anthony? before PD and the nursing lodge he would have had no problem with this.
for you to carry the weight of this is not fair but we both know that life is not fair.
wishing you peace of heart
You are so right and you definintely know the situation.I do wish he and I had discussed some of this before the downhill slide.
This reminded me of many years ago I ran into a guy I went to school with and when I mentioned it to hubby he got all jealous and when I told him the guy was gay he didn’t care he was still jealous………
I know.
Hi Julie … I do not consider this to be gutless but considerate and smart – it would be counter productive to tell the truth in such circumstances. I could tell you some stories … we will catch up sometime soon.
I would love to get together!
Hope you have a lovely lunch with Andrew.
Just got back – it was wonderful!
You’re not gutless, Julie! You’re trying to survive a really difficult time. There is nothing wrong with doing something to make yourself happy. The anger/jealousy Ants is feeling is probably due to pure frustration with his situation. Please don’t put yourself down for doing things that are perfectly normal in anyone’s book. Please – try to enjoy time with your friend without feeling guilty…you deserve those happy moments…
It might be anyone that he’d be jealous about, right? And jealousy is like an illness. I think treating the jealousy by not feeding it is the same as some of the other treatments he may go through. As in, in ordinary circumstances we would be lying, but in this situation, you are trying to keep from feeding an ill-loop. You are trying to protect him from feeling hurt. Because you know there’s no hurt intended.
Such a struggle.
Oh Tammy – thank you again! Jxx
You are saving Anthony from being upset–do not look at this as lying, but as saving someone from hurt. Jeeze Julie, you are much too hard on yourself! Have some fun girl–you are still a young woman, and you need to live life. You are not leaving Anthony behind just because you do a little something for yourself. Have fun–FUN; F-U-N–I think this is too foreign to you.
You are very right – thanks so much – and I did have fun today with lots of laughter.
good good good
I don’t think you’re gutless – I think you love him. Why upset him unnecessarily? And it’s the illness you’re lying to – Anthony wouldn’t feel that way if he was well.
Thanks Tilly!
XX
OO
Julie, I really think to tell him would be selfish. What purpose would it serve but to relieve you of your own feelings about keeping something from him that he is not able to reasonably understand at this point? You need to take care of you too, so I’m so happy you did a little something you enjoyed.
Yes, I you are right and my phonecall with him tonight was good – phew. He didn’t even miss me today – another phew!
I agree with Magnolia. The truly gutless thing to do would be to tell him the truth just to save yourself the guilt. You are actually quite gutty!
Understand why you do it … but is there no way you can avoid lying, because even if you do it for not hurting Antony – I can read that you don’t feel good about it and the guilt is going to build up. Maybe tell him the truth if he asks where you have been. This a tricky one.
I think you are right about if he asks me – tricky one all right!
Julie, as you said yesterday – he hadn’t missed you … so you didn’t had to use a white lie, after all. Because I know you’re not comfortable with lying for him. You will do the right thing, I know.
I don’t think it’s gutless. It’s having the wisdom to know what to share, and the courage to bear some things all by yourself. Personally, I think you are amazing, Julie. I hope you had a lovely lunch.
It was great and when I rang Ants last night he was fine that I hadn’t been in even though he didn’t realize why. Strange how I need to protect him from the fact that I might be able to have fun without him.
Jealousy such an irrational emotion anyway usually…. can I ask you something?
Is it you that is bothered by your white loving lies? Or are you worried about what someone else might think about you telling loving & kind white lies?
I don’t think the answer matters much except in terms of being honest with yourself, and being authentic to your own life. If it is the latter please remember you can
It sounds like you’re in a really difficult situation. I wouldn’t want to advise you but I guess it would be best to be a little veiled in what you tell him, not because you want to be deceitful but because there’s no point telling him things if they’re only going to upset him xx
I think you are right – thanks HS!
What a kindness you are doing, for Ant, for Andrew, and for yourself. Truth at all costs? What rubbish. Sometimes the ‘cost’ is just too high.
Seems the Universe thought it was all a kindness too.
Much, much love to you
xoxo
Thanks Nicole!
Julie, you deserve to have some fun and joy in your life. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Enjoy! Margie
Trying!
That’s why we have little white lies and dirty big black ones. The little white ones are told to spare loved ones from deep hurt and unnecessary pain. Especially when they are in so much pain and discomfort already. No Julie, you are not gutless just wise. 🙂
I hear you Julie … and you know, we all do it at some point to protect the other from hurt feelings… Perhaps it might be best to not say anything and change the subject? Will that help? 🙂
I agree with everyone, you are not doing wrong. Don’t be so hard on yourself dear Julie. It is always so nice to have a friend. Have a nice day and enjoy. Love, nia
[…] was reading JMGoyder’s blog (aka Julie), Wing and Things [https://jmgoyder.com/2012/10/27/a-repertoire-of-lies/] and one of her commenters quoted something Mark Twain […]
You are protecting Antz. The “truth” serves absolutely no purpose. It will only cause more pain. I hope you had an enjoyable visit. One needs to laugh….
If the shoe were on the other foot, how would you feel? I taught my kids to make decisions they won’t ever regret (they don’t always do so), and I try to live by the same motto. Not trying to be a goody-two-shoes, but I have to live with myself. What can you honestly live with, friend? I’m not judging – just giving you another perspective. You know I love ya, my beautiful friend across the waves…
Good points and many thanks – I have a bit of thinking to do!
I’ve always believed in white lies when, in my opinion, they’re for the better good. I’ve seen people use honesty as a weapon. Why not use a lie as a kindness?
Great point!
That sounds like a difficult situation. Perhaps it is the best solution.
I don’t believe you should call it gutless. Some little lies need to be told to protect individuals. And this makes those little lies okay. Take care, Bill
Thanks Bill.