wings and things

Love story 121 – What is mine is yours (or is it the other way around?)

on November 27, 2012

I have started saying this weird thing lately, that I have never said before. Instead of saying our, I’ve begun to say my and this disturbs me. Here are some examples:

  • This is my son
  • Come over to my place
  • My birds
  • My dogs
  • My house
  • My farm


The fact that I sometimes say this my thing instead of the usual our thing in front of Anthony makes me sick to my stomach and I always try to correct the my to our before he notices or gets hurt.

He doesn’t notice, but why am I doing this ‘my’ thing when I have never done so before? Everything has always been ours, not mine, not his – ours.

54 responses to “Love story 121 – What is mine is yours (or is it the other way around?)

  1. annotating60 says:

    Words are powerful things. Anthony will always be a part of you. Perhaps your saying ‘my’ is a way of coping with the loss. Whatever word you use will not changeanything in your heart. The living need to keep living full lives. It is a way we have of honoring our relationships.>KB

  2. bulldogsturf says:

    When you are alone it is going to be called “my” … when Ants there it’s “our”.. it is difficult to refer to everything as “our” when Ants not there… don’t let it worry you, … I do the same…

  3. Gardengirl says:

    It sounds like your subconscious is starting the transition to the inevitable. Your brain is adapting to your circumstances and that is good. It means you are healthy and won’t go crazy, well, not permanently anyway. Much love to you and your family.

  4. Perhaps sub-consciously you are making small adjustments.

  5. dcwisdom says:

    Sometimes we can’t or don’t want to accept the inevitable changes life brings. But it sounds like your psyche is already accepting those changes and adjusting. It’s ok, Love. Give yourself permission.

  6. niasunset says:

    I agree with “annotating60”, dear Julie, nothing changes actually in your heart… But you are so thoughtful,…. Sometimes it is so good but this can make you tired more dearest…. Love, nia

  7. terry1954 says:

    Oh my gosh Julie, I thought it was only me and have not told anyone, although they most likely have heard it. I have been using my instead of our also!! Our mind is doing something funky!

  8. annotating60 says:

    I wanted to thank you for deciding to follow my postings (I dislike the word ‘blog’). Also to say that I hope I didn’t overstep and boundaries with my comment earlier this morning. Although I was not a primary caregiver. I too spent a year very closely with friend of mine and sometimes the moments that you relate remind me of that time. Thank you.>KB

  9. Tammy says:

    Hi Julie:
    I think that it must be hard to catch yourself. Another change and adjustment. Naturally you feel badly about it because you are a kind and loving person. If you weren’t, it wouldn’t matter. You wouldn’t catch yourself. So take comfort in knowing it is because you care so much that you have noticed this, but don’t be hard on yourself for replacing “ours” with “my” or “mine” or whatever. Hugs to you across the continents and seas,
    -Tammy in Vermont

    • jmgoyder says:

      Oh thanks for that reassurance – it is so weird that I have been saying this so much lately. I think you are right and you are such a great person. I really appreciate this feedback Tammy.

  10. It sounds like you have, somewhere in your soul, made a change, Julie. Hope all is well with Anthony x

  11. Colline says:

    It is probably a reflection of the fact that Anthony has been removed from you. He is no longer there next to you everyday to be a part of the day to day decisions and activities. In no way does this take away the love and the experiences you have had together.

  12. In hospice we speak of anticipatory grieving…a healthy and realistic approach to what you’re experiencing. As long as your husband doesn’t seem to notice, stop beating up on yourself. And realize he’s also doing the anticipatory grieving thing…the letting go. Such a hard thing, isn’t it? And a good reminder to all of us of the transience of life and things.

  13. robincoyle says:

    Don’t beat yourself up over this. Technically, you are correct when you say ‘my.’

  14. sbcallahan says:

    i know how difficult this is for you and there is no easy way to say this but here it is……. this is normal and what a mentally healthy person does. there is a process that begins in which the separation begins. just last night chris said he would put the table in the garage for now and then looked at me as though he wished he could cut out his tongue. the rest of the thought was he would put it in the garage until i am gone then he will bring it back in. i said the words for him so he would know i understand. yes there will be some changes when the time comes and that is as it should be.

    you are so sensitive and loving. ants is a lucky man to be loved by you.

    • jmgoyder says:

      Oh you so know – was the table in the way?

      • sbcallahan says:

        as much as i adore my husband he has a mess habit. he loves to read and receives several mags plus is constantly adding to our library. unfortunately our house does not grow to accomodate all this extra “stuff.” the table had been conditional on him not piling it up, it became obvious he was not able to meet that condition so we were coming to an alternative agreement.

        the table has been given a reprieve and remains in the house:)

  15. Wierd how that happens…and also I think this is the very first time in my life that I have seen etc., spelled out!

  16. Trisha says:

    This shift in perspective makes sense (to me) because you’re the one at home dealing with everything. I got a small taste of this when my husband was in the hospital this summer. I really felt the weight of everything as “my” responsibility. Perhaps the responsibility of everything is really what you are owning?

  17. Robyn Lee says:

    I would imagine it may be part of some kind of transition you are making Julie… I know you aren’t conscioulsy rehprashing ~ but maybe a defense mechanism of sorts that will allow you to feel more power and independence while you are coping with such a hard situation. It’s all ok … don’t be hard on yoursef for it… probably healthy. So great you can talk about it here too… and work though.. I’m always thinking of you! xo Love ~ R

  18. pixilated2 says:

    Victoria called it anticipatory grieving. So you are subconsciously dealing with the future of “my,” and allowing yourself to ease into a life transition. The phrase sounds odd, but it makes sense. ~Lynda

  19. Your brain is ahead of your heart when it comes to changes, which can’t be a bad thing. I tell my kids to get off MY couch when they use it as a trampoline!

  20. Because you are slowly letting go, as you know you must. It isn’t easy; it is what it is.

  21. FlaHam says:

    Julie, maybe some place deep in your heart/soul you are realizing a time when it will be yours. It doesn’t diminish the love you have, but maybe it is preparing you for that time. Take care, Bill

  22. Hmm. What do you think it means when I say to the Cap’n, “Your dog, Wonderbutt, ate more of the sofa today”? His daughter gets in trouble a lot, too.

  23. Judith Post says:

    I’d guess it’s because you’re dealing with all of those things on your own, but Anthony is always a part of you. Scratch the surface, and he’s there.

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