I wrote this dreadful poem last night with the above title, but I didn’t post it because it was too bleak. This morning I looked at it again and agreed with myself that it was too bleak. I would like to be able to say it was absolutely brilliant but, in fact, it was so dismal that I trashed it. Good riddance.
The poem was about becoming sick and tired of love – of loving and of being loved – the heavy weight of it, an anagram of vole which is I think is a kind of rodent.
When I first met my husband I was sick with love, a buzzy, hopeful, exciting love. It worked, we worked, we were happy.
Today, when I visited him in the nursing lodge, he was sad and said, when I had to leave to pick Ming up, “You don’t want to be with me anymore.” I didn’t get angry or broken-hearted and I couldn’t even muster the empathy to reassure him adequately, so had to ring again and again this afternoon to reassure him.
I guess it’s just a phase but the weight of his love for me is too much at the moment and my love for him seems to need a holiday.
This afternoon, in the midst of a storm, we lost electricity for a few hours so I went through the archives of my computer to do a cull and found a letter that I had written to Anthony’s doctor and neurologist nearly ten years ago, outlining his symptoms, asking if his medication could be increased, wondering what the future held. I never sent this letter because I was too emotional at the time so I must have kept it for myself just for the record. It shocked me to realize how long since his Parkinson’s was diagnosed and I am still finding it difficult to believe it has been nearly a decade. Hell, Ming was only a little boy back then.
This is not at all a self-pitying post even if it seems that way; I guess it’s just a recognition that sometimes love can be way too heavy. I’m not sure.
jmgoyder 
there is a lot of responsibility with love – I understand where you are
Yes.
Julie I think I’ve said it before… it’s good to write these things down it helps you to get them out in the open… naturally we all pity you and feel sorry for what you are going through… but I’m sure the writing must help… it helps to share….
I hope so (very glad I didn’t post the ghastly poem though)
I wonder if it’s ‘love’ that’s heavy or the circumstances you are experiencing. No one plans for what is happening for you and Anthony and Ming. No one can even prepare you — and I wonder if the love feels heavy because you care so much, and know there is little you, or love, can do to change the course of this disease, and what is happening.
I didn’t find your post self-pitying. I found it very reflective, honest and filled with compassion — you too need love and compassion Julie. I’m glad you have given yourself some.
Hugs
You are so kind, Louise – thank you very much.
I think we are tested as we go through life. We’re not expected to be martyrs… thanks for sharing- hopefully the writing helps!
Thanks CG!
Never worry about the subject of your poem, even if it involves politics. It is all grain for the mill. WQorry rather how well it is written. then subject is not an issue. “God has made so very many poets, but so very little poetry.” >KB
It wasn’t written very well either – ha!
we wonder why an illness has to drag on for so many years, pulling along with all loved ones
It really does make me wonder – the meds prolong life but at what cost?
Maybe we do need to take a holiday from the love sometimes Julie ~ from caring so deeply that it cuts like a knife to face what we sometimes must. I say take the holiday. I know the realiziation you describe about finding that letter and acknowledging just how many years this has been front and center stage in your life. I go through something similar when forced to dig out old records and run into old logs and pain diaries…. soooo painful for me. Deep breaths…take a break from the feelings if you need to… distract yourself with some joy ~ not matter how small. Sening hugs ~ Robynx
I had a dream last night that I bought a tiny bedsit somewhere so I could be alone!
Yes – I hear you …🌈
Oh, Julie.
Woebegone sometimes
Julie, bearing this alone would be crushing, and I agree with Louise that it is the circumstances that are heavy, not the love. I am sorry that this time in your life is so hurtful, but glad that you feel comfortable enough to share with us. We all care. XO, Lynda
My heart seems to be freezing over.
Over time, I’m sure that Anthony’s love is complicated by his dependence on you. And over time, your love is twisted with responsibility and burden. As the emotions swing, I’d think you might feel more his dependence, and more your burden and responsibility. Its still love but its not the same as what you had before and I can understand why a break is needed now and then. You’re doing great. I’m watching and learning to see what my husband’s side will be like. Hang in there! Its still a great love story.
I get it – thanks so much!
I just said that to someone a few weeks ago, that things were just too “heavy” and I was referring to friendship with a needy friend, not a romance, so I can only imagine what you’re feeling, especially in your situation. You have needs too. I think it is all to easy for kind, caring people to get completely burned out, they forget to take care of themselves. Take a break. Just take a break. Turn off your phone and go to the beach.
I am going to go away for a couple of days next week thanks to your suggestion!
Good! Do it and don’t bring your phone. Mine has been off 99% of the time for a few weeks now and it’s Heaven 🙂
There was a time when my Grandfather decided not to go every day to see grandma. I think it was for both of them. He was feeling so lost after each visit and she was more distraught after each one.
Exactly!
I think I understand. Love can be such a burden sometimes.
It is now.
I think that you are just saying it is the way it is and definitely a book that needs to be written to shed light on this disease and the families affected by the disease.Keep on..Jane
Yes it is certainly not a disease that gets much media attention.
I don’t think you are sick of love, Julie.
I think you are just fed up with the current situation in your life.
You need to pace your life and emotions.
Don’t be too hard on yourself.
It’s never easy letting go (of the one you have loved for all those years and with such intensity).
Thanks for this Victoria – you are right.
It’s the being the adult, coping, that is heavy… and coping and coping and coping
sigh
hugs
Yes, sigh….
would it be so awful if there were just a bit of self-pity? i don’t think so. ten years of life spent caring and loving for someone who is slowly and painfully leaving you? does that not deserve a bit of love (not pity) for yourself? we both know that many would have found this love too demanding of them. i don’t see self-pity i see a woman who is admirable with a little human thrown in. your selflessness and loyalty to your love is not diminished by acknowledging how draining it can be.
I got a shock when I saw the date on that unsent letter.
I don’t think you’re sick of love. I think you’re tired of life and STUFF!!! And I don’t blame you one bit! We all need a vacation now and then! That has nothing to do with love or lack of it – it has to do with being human.
Take care of yourself.
hugr5
I guess so – thank you!
No matter the circumstance, we ALL need space once in a while! 🙂 and you’re welcome.
Darlin’ you need to recharge. Take care of you for a bit. Love yourself. Read that book you’ve been wanting to read. Go see a movie. Buy some pampering bubble bath stuff and have a soak with a glass of wine or a beer. Wear your PJ’s all day. Bake cookies and eat them all. You get the picture?
My warm thoughts and prayers are with you.
xo
Diana
I get the picture – thanks Diana. We don’t have a bath so I would have to get into the duck pond!
It’s summer there, right? 🙂 Take care of you Julie (((hugs)))
Love is not heavy, circumstances are. Maybe those circumstances have compressed your love into little vole sized pieces but they are still there somewhere, warm blooded, sleepy eyed and ready to surface when this winter passes.
Take heart Julie, you are doing the very best you can within a set of what I view as soul crushing parameters. I don’t know I would be doing so well in your shoes.
With love, Jen
What a beautiful comment – which Jen are you? It came up as anonymous.
Julie, your explanation of the poem you discarded was heartfelt, and emotionally quite strong. For as powerful as love can be it really can both hurt and give joy. Take care, Bill
Yes!
It can be a huge burden.
Even it must be hard sometimes, I’m extremely glad you can open up like this. I can only imagine how much you’ve been worrying about your husband. This is a random quote I found from the internet (while trying to check out some English word I accidentally forgot) I think this is outstanding way to put it->
“People always think that the most painful thing is losing the one you love in your life. The truth is, the most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, forgetting that you are special too.
-Unknown quotes”
There’s not much that can be said in this type of situation, nothing else but you really have to focus on yourself. We’re all individuals and responsible of our own happiness – no matter what. I don’t see that as a selfishness, but a total opposite, ’cause you have to take more to be able to give more. I went through the comments and saw you have an excellent support system and friends who truly care about you. 🙂 And of course I care too – you seem a very genuine person.
Love,
Mari
http://ohyesshesabitchbutnotyours.com/
What a beautiful comment and the quote is just what I needed. Thank you so much, Mari!
I love my mother, but I don’t always like her anymore. But then, she’s not herself any more either, and this new person does things that irritate me. But I love the parts of her that are still her, so we cope. You and Anthony have a special bond, but be nice to yourself. Self-love is essential too.
I think we try to protect ourselves. Constant and prolonged grief with no resolution would be a very heavy burden to carry. I think the soul just tries to wriggle out from underneath it so it can survive. Take car of yourself Jules. You need breaks now and then.
Caregivers are always filled with guilt. Am I doing enough? Am I doing too little? I am not sympathetic enough… Be kind to yourself Julie. Once in a difficult situation I asked my mom how do you ever know if you are doing the right thing. She replied that we can only do our best….Her wise words has sustained me ever since. Hugs