I never intended for this blog to become so personal and I certainly didn’t intend for it to become so sad. It was a blog about our adventures with birds – a way of cheering the three of us (Anthony, Ming and me) UP!
How was I supposed to know that Anthony’s Parkinson’s would escalate, then collide with Ming’s spinal surgery? How was I supposed to know that we would have to find a nursing home, that I would have to resign from my job, that I would have to figure out Ming’s post-op. requirements, that we would lose many of our birds to foxes?
How was I supposed to know what last year would entail – Ming’s anger, Anthony’s sorrow, my despair? Obviously I don’t have very good foresight.
I do, however, have pretty good hindsight and tonight I have realized that enough is enough, that I am not going to allow myself to die because Ants is dying, that I am not going to allow myself get angry because Ming is angry, that I am not going to allow myself to sink into this self-pitying quicksand of despair.
Apologies for recent posts.
Enough is enough!
jmgoyder 
no apologies necessary–and if you knew how much you help people going through the same things you would not regret your posts–I, for one, thank you.
I find it so surprising, and comforting, that my blog is helpful in any way – thank you!
I think sometimes, if we had better foresight, we’d give in — and so, the universe doesn’t give us better foresight so that we continue to grow through each experience.
Yeah for you! Enough is Enough! 🙂
Thanks so much, Louise. I know you know it.
I think your blog took you where you needed to go to help you get through the days. I now wonder about the blog I started as a travel blog, now that I’m not travleling for a while. Blogging is like a journal, which May Sarton said was something like catching a bird on the wing, or something like that. Hang in there.
I love that bird on a wing reference – thank you for this, Pat.
Dear Julie, you don’t need to say apologies. This is your blog, and your diary, your book, your photographical journal, whatever you name it, this is firstly yours… and you share with us, you invite us to read you. Life without sharing is not a real life for human world. You know this better than I. I try to explain there is nothing problem in our side, I mean in reader’s side, at least for me. But it is problem for you, because you are a beautiful lady and talented in writing and also in philosophical thoughts and having well experienced and observed life notes… Sometimes wisely touches, sometimes as if I am in your words… But you have to be strong and you keep yourself alive. Because of this yes, enough is enough. Actually you are not doing an easy work on this blog. It is not easy to talk and to write all these things. But you should be a gift for all of us, no one can know what will be next in our own life… We are all going in the same train with different stories… But we all need to hear each others. Please, don’t be so difficult to yourself, you carry the sun in your heart, and I love you. nia
Thank you so much for these fantastic words, Nia. Your blog lightens me up and makes me see things with fresh eyes. Love to you too!
Absolutely no apologies necessary…If it helps to vent then do it…Diane
I think I need to lighten up – again!
Sweetie, you’re living life and you’re being authentic with yourself and with us, your readers. We want to know the good times, but we also want to know the bad times. We want to share your joy but we also want to be there for you when you need someone. Don’t apologize. None of us can know what life can bring. You have a right to feel as you do. For such a giving and sensitive soul, it’s easy to take on others’ feelings. I’m happy to learn you’re going to take care of you for a change and to allow yourself to feel some joy. Please don’t change a thing. I so look forward to your posts. I send you warm thoughts and many hugs. Much Love, Mary
What a beautiful comment, Mary. You are such a gem and I am so glad to know you.
you never have to apologize. You have to acknowledge your feelings and release them in order to help YOU. If you allow it to remain inside it will fester. People can read what they choose to read and skip over what they wish. It is YOUR blog and you can do what you wish. If venting here is helping you then I say do it. You must do what is right for YOU.
Thanks – felt like I was becoming such a moaner!
Julie, I understand that .. you need to get things of your heart … no problem with that and nothing wrong with that, we need to ventilate at times – but I also understand that you have come to that point – as I did after my friend Bodil died … enough is enough, because it tier you down – and I decided to dance until my shoes cry. Welcome up on the floor – we have the biggest dance floor in the world.
Your brilliant phrase “dance until my shoes cry” gave me a huge grin!
http://wp.me/p293Pw-3Cf – it’s the from a one of my favorite songs: Living Tree ….this is the link to my post saying; enough is enough – the song will fit you too.
You are what you are on the day that you blog. That’s why we keep coming back.
Thanks!
Julie one is entitled to feel the way you do, and it is so much better to speak up about the things that concern your own health… Ant has an incurable disease, Ming has his problems and Julie is just expected to be Julie and carry the weight of it all on her shoulders…
That weight becomes less and less the more determined one becomes to be of a power over your own thoughts and determination… positive, determined actions on your own behalf is what is going to keep you sane… and this might be to the detriment of those around you… so take the stand.. you don’t have to become those around you.. sure one continues to support and love, but one must remain true to oneself and protect ones own health.. be strong and see life just as you have decided in your post… look after yourself and cyber HUGS….
You are right and I really appreciate your words sooooo much!
I understand why you would want to apologise, however I don’t think that an apology is needed. As usual I shall stick my oar in here. To get to this point where you realise that you are beginning to grow from all this (now) you needed to get down in the mire and feel all that pain and TALK about it to a bunch of faceless people with VERY broad shoulders. .(thats us) .. no apology necessary.
So now you have come to another bridge along this arduous journey you are on. On the other side of this bridge are all the things you can control. This is where you are heading. Taking Back Control. Now, what can you actually control? What is yours to control? What you eat? (yes) What you drink? (yes) How you react to events. (kind of) Where you work? (yes) What you read.(mostly) What you study (yes) What you listen to (no) What you say back (yes) Foxes (no) Your thoughts (yes?) Your writing (yes!) The colour of your gumboots (yes), etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. You can really only control yourself. The rest of it is not your monkey to carry around. Give it back. Give back the anger. Give back the confusion. Allow them to own it. Give back what is not yours to control.
So here then is your bridge. How will you repack your own emotional bag so that it is not too heavy to carry across the next bridge.
Well? What are you going to choose to carry? And what are you going to leave on this side? Your choice.
And your blog has evolved. We are already here. Keep talking to us. I might sound glib but really I am speaking from experience. I do know. I wish I could really help. I really, really do. I like you, honey. You are a glorious woman. A powerful woman . Now go water my sunflowers and take a shot of the first bird you see.. I think you need parrots, I like parrots!
celi
Wow! This is a hell of a wonderful comment, Celi – thank you!
Actually I have been worrying that I may have been out of line. So I am sighing with relief at your answer!! Morning julie! c
That is the secret of life, we just do not know what is ahead of us, any of us.
The way you keep bouncing back and lifting your spirits both with humour and with love is I am sure helping countless other people out there.
Ah, that’s reassuring and lovely. Thank you, Rosemary!
You have every right to every emotion you experience as does Ants and Ming, but it is wonderful to see your head above the sea of despair and know that you know you are a strong swimmer. Apology not accepted! In the same circumstances, I know I would not do better and would only hope I could do as well as you have. You are an inspiration and a reminder to me to savor love and not take each day for granted. Keep swimming, it only looks like quicksand.
Thanks so much, Linda – I so appreciate your words.
Julie, you’re an admirable person. Please don’t feel you can’t vent here when you need to, but your post today is very healthy, too. In keeping yourself healthy you are doing it for yourself and for Anthony and Ming as well. It’s using the oxygen mask yourself first. That has the best results for all concerned. And you deserve it, too!!! I love birds, and I’d also love to read about birds, even with those hungry foxes around.
I guess I finally came to that point of self-preservation. Thank you so much.
The blog is fine; everyone does it for a different reason and gets something different out of it. But I’m relieved that you are beginning to see the value that you have, apart from being a mother and a wife. You are far more. Now, have the pep talk you wrote today with yourself daily. Several times a day. Until you celebrate all that you have — a husband and son who love you. A magnificent farm. Writing talent and a mind. Then figure out what the rest of your life is for. You’ve got a lot to offer!
I feel enormously encouraged by your comment – thank you!
so proud of you julie ~ you are so smart and so strong. please keep that spirit nurtured…. love you ~
Ditto ++++++ Robyn!
Julie, sometimes enough isn’t quite enough. The anger, the sorrow, the deep hard feelings you have are as much a part of you as Ants Parkinson’s or Ming’s spinal surgery. They help you shape yourself, they help define you, they are very real elements of your life and how you live. There is no need to say you sorry ever, those that don’t care won’t read, those of us that do will hang on your words and thoughts. We will offer advice and encouragement, we will smile at your stories, and our tears will be as real as yours. We will have your courage support our need, and you will take from each of us a touch of strenght. This is a shared journey, a shared experience, sometimes you lead sometimes you follow. As for me I want you to continue to share all the aspects of your world. From Ants to Gutsy, from Ming to day trips. Take care, Bill
Considering what you are going through, I am gobsmacked at your generous comment, Bill – thank you.
ps. For some reason your comments are Anonymous – must be a WP glitch.
I think it’s great that the blog provides some solace and support for you. Birds are great but so is creating empathy and receiving from others.
Bit of a balancing act!
No apologies and no explanations. This is your place and I love visiting everyday. I’ll be here regardless. 🙂
Oh Laurie – thank you xxx
Good for you for taking charge of your life!
I hope!
All good responses above. Friend, we all write about life. You never know how many people you support by penning your journey, and in writing about your life, you receive much understanding and support. Give and take. None of us knows the future, and we all need each other in good and bad times. You’re good with me! 🙂 XO
And you too, Wisdom!
I too started blogging as a coping mechanism. Over the past two days I have read old blogs and could not believe that I had written what I did. It is good Julie to vent. I have found so much support and friendship in cyberspace. It has kept me afloat! This blog is for you. If people don’t like the sadness they don’t have to read the post. You are an amazing person and I appreciate you sharing your heart and life with me.
I feel the same about you, Tersia – so much.
GOOD ON YOU. You go girl!
Haha – thanks!
good for you. You are very strong. I am not that strong
Silly – you are super strong!
Your blog is about real life. No need to apologize. Just keep writing.
Okay!
Life is a process full of lots of events which lead us to a lot of emotions. Cheerish all of them for what they are, but don’t let them keep us down when they are no longer necessary!!
True – thanks, Cee.
ps. I keep encountering problems accessing your blog – so sorry – it’s my stupid computer I think.
Well, Julie, while I have read all of the comments and I agree with most of them, I would like to throw my own 2 cents in. Seeing as how our situations are sorta mirrored, I know exactly how you feel. In my own experience, I have come to the conclusion of enough is enough as well. It is easy to get bogged down with the “daily” drama’s, and in our situations there are a bunch of them. But to maintain our health and happy well being, we have to remember ourselves too. That is why I choose to giggle instead of cry or get down hearted. I’ve heard your laugh Jules, It’s catchy! Do what YOU need to do, for YOU! And also, don’t apologize, this is your blog, your outlet, and from the comments above, it appears we are all in agreement, we read your words, and feel what you are saying. I know in certain situations, I’ve looked to your blog, and you have helped me.
I agree with what someone said….get a parrott…:) Hugs Julie!
I cannot even express how much your blog has helped me – and your giggle!
No need to apologize! I think blogging about what you’re going through and allowing other people to share in your journey are both really important for your emotional well being. It’s very courageous of you to share so openly and I am inspired by your openess and your strength.
It’s kind of weird how blogs evolve – ha! Thank you so much for this, Trisha.
I agree with many of the other comments.
It’s your blog and you can say whatever you wish on any given day.
Blogs evolve as time goes by and by one’s blog, one reaches out to ask many things. We all need people to give us a friendly ear and a shoulder to cry on (from time to time).
I was determined to just post photos, but I find words creeping in day by day, week by week. I vowed to NOT talk about my chronic health problems, but they creep in between the lines. Sometimes after I’ve uploaded a post, the next day I re-read it and delete sentences or even the whole post.
I think if was C. S. Lewis who said “We write to know we are not alone”. And its true.
You’d be surprised how many readers long to read your daily diary – they want to hear about how you deal with Parkinsons and other crisis in your life. It really does help to know that there’s someone out there in the blogasphere who is going through the same crisis that they are. They look to you for coping skills. They look to you for reassurance that how they feel is ‘normal’. It’s helps to hear about Real Life, not some fictional fantasy. You cry real tears and regularly. It’s healthy. It’s a blessing in disguise. It enables you to release pent up emotions.
Besides the Gang only do so many things in their lives (to write about). Just as I can only take so many photos at the zoo. Every day I wake up and try to think of something new or different to photograph or share, just as you may want to vary your writing subject. But the reality is that this is Your Life. In striving to vary my photo subjects, I am forced to go out and get some fresh air. This variety helps keep me sane and focused, so I do not become housebound and depressed.
Perhaps you might like to set aside at least one day each week for the Birds (or more) depending on what they do. If you alternate subjects (just as I alternate photo subjects), you may feel more comfortable with the “balance” of your blog.
Never be afraid to Share. Besides you’re a great writer, so write.
Perhaps I might suggest a ‘Challenge’ to you. Every week, include a post about the ups & downs of being a farmer’s wife in your early marriage. What challenges you faced and the humour in your life on the farm.
I love your suggestions – fantastic – so grateful. Victoria!
Oh and BTW I also love it when you write about your life in your blog.
You should have read the post I wrote for my blog last night. If was sooooo long and had no photos at all. But when I read it, it was too revealing, so I sent it to the trash (& then emptied the Trash so there’s was no way I could change my mind & resurrect it –
Big Grin).
No apologies necessary. I am honoured to be part of your journey. If enough is enough, it’s enough for your sake not mine. HUGS
HUGS right back at you – hehe!
Are you reading all that love above? Do you really think we come here to hear fairy stories? The blog changed.
Your life has changed.
There are “foxes and diseases” out there and they attack us physically and spiritually.
Your blog is you.
We love YOU.
You can’t choose how your life will go, but you can choose your friends… and we choose you.
I always read your blog/journaling, Julie. I would have more to say, but most days I am just trying to stay afloat in my own leaking boat. That does not mean that I don’t care or that I think what you say is going to far…
It just means that I am not as strong as you, and I wish I were.
Your title, “Wings and Things” can cover so many ideas. Perhaps you just need to change your view of it. Currently, your title tells about a very strong woman, borne on the wings of Angels over all the hardships (things) she faces each day. She is a dynamo, but she is not Super Woman. She is Julie, and she is doing a damn fine job of facing the dragons in her life.
I think there are few of us in your audience who could manage your load even half so well.
That is what I see when I come here.
I feel a bit overwhelmed by the all of these amazing comments and the generosity of spirit. Your comment has got me thinking about how extraordinary this blog community is. Lynda, thank you isn’t an adequate word! Love Juliexxx
Good for me for not wanting to let despair take you down. I can see it’s a daily battle so it’s great to remind yourself you can do it.
Yes!
Your honesty as you are going through all of this is what makes this blog important to so many people. Don’t change, please!
Oh! Okay – thankyou!
You never have to say sorry for any of your posts, your blog is one of the few that I try to read every day, for many reasons. Sometimes it is easier to unburden via the written word then the spoken word so continue to do so when you need to…………..we are here to listen and support you as much as we can.
What a great person you are, Joanne!
You wouldn’t be human without those emotions – and the number of commenters you have suggests that people don’t object to those emotions. On the contrary – we feel everything with you.
If you are trying to take control so that you feel better, that’s good; but don’t beat yourself up for the days when it’s all just too much.
I was amazed by all the comments – amazed! Thanks, Tilly.
It is so hard keeping your own sanity and happiness when others you love and care for are suffering with illness or sadness or anger and you feel you just have to keep going and going and going with no sight of the end of the road. One of the difficulties you face is the guilt if you feel good (and they don’t) and the guilt can drag you down. i know I have been there.
And while I agree with the others who have said that don’t be hard on yourself, you are allowed to feel despair as you are going through a tough time; I also say …. yes go for it Julie. You are allowed to feel happy and alive.
Thanks so much, Elizabeth!
Don’t apologise – the ups and downs are all part of working through it all and finding a way through that quicksand!
Okay.
You are the only keeper of your flame. I am glad you are not going to let your light go out but to shine for the world to see. Supporting you in all you do.
BE ENCOURAGED! BE BLESSED!
You too!
no apologies necessary.. no regrets.. you are lovely, you are always moving forward, you are here and now, you are always changing, you are unique, you are awesome, you are stronger than you realise, and you are a wonderful you !!!!!
Awww shucks!
Can you handle one more reply? I just want to say that I tell everyone about you, Julie, because of what you’ve been through. My kids have come to know your story because of me telling them. My friends have…. Your story has been somehow helpful to others in this weird way of life. No apologies necessary.
However, I am thrilled for your turnaround to conquer the sads. Love it!
Thanks, Tammy – I’m thrilled too!
glad you are feeling more settled and happy with your decision. since we all tend to vent from time to time an apology seems unnecessary. being honest with how you are feeling at the moment is healthy and i for one appreciate your honesty and sharing.
You could not have know all this.
There is a Japanese proverb “Nana korobi, ya oki” which means ‘fall down seven, get up eight’ (although, I have fallen down way more than seven times!). It’s about perseverance and I’ve seen it associated with the Japanese ‘Daruma’ doll, which is round and weighted at the bottom in a way that it will always return to an upright position when tilted over.
You always seem to get up and conquer! Wishing you all the best.