wings and things


on June 7, 2013

Silence is not always golden – it can be a lead, dead weight.

At the nursing lodge, I am learning, with restless determination, how to sit in silence with Ants who is beginning to forget how to talk, to form sentences/words.

So what do I do? I talk frenetically, I throw myself around his room, recharge his phone, make sure his airconditioner is onto heat, turn the TV onto ABC, put the new heatpads into his slippers, hug and kiss him. Sometimes I am there for a few hours, sometimes just a few minutes; if I can’t get into town, I eventually get him on the phone.

His silence on the phone, and in person, is sometimes deafening.

52 responses to “Silence

  1. You’ll settle into a way of coping with the silence.

  2. FlaHam says:

    Julie, The love you have for Ants is like no other. It’s not like any I have ever shared, and have only seen it one other time in my life. It is amazing, I am filled with jealousy, my heart breaks and then soars to the highest plain when I read your words. You are a remarkable woman, with a strength of character none can question. Your relationship with Anthony is one that any of us would cherish. Thank you for all you have given and all that you have shared. Take care, Bill

  3. Oh, I remember this. So sad. The woman who taught me words forgot hers.

  4. tersiaburger says:

    Oh my friend things are going to get worse. I am so sad for you. The fact that Anthony’s body regulating system is not working well any more is not good. Please see a counsellor! Lots of love and prayers. xx

  5. Terry says:

    I play the guilt game with myself when I go to see Al. There are times I wish I didn’t have to go so often, but guilt forces me. I know if I am not there, no one is. I clean Al’s room or fill out his dining menu for the week. I finally broke down and bought me a Tablet. I take that and play games and check my email. It was expensive, but Al sleeps alot or is crying and so it helps to pass the time. I feel guilt if I am not there long enough. Many times I am there over a lunch time, so I spend about an hour and a half with him. Other times I am there two to three hours. A few times I have been there only minutes to just check on him. I love Al, but the pain associated with his illness sucks me in. Sadness and depression are what I bring home with me

  6. even now i have times when i am so ill i can not speak i love to hear him talk to me. we are fortunate to have the ability to talk about these things when i am doing well. i have told him how it comforts me and bouys me to hear him talk, so he chats and then he reads something to me.

    i wonder if ants is the same? i would guess he loves that you go about doing these things for him and chatting him up. you are doing an amazing job of handling a very difficult and heart breaking situation.

    sending love to you with big warm hugs

  7. fgassette says:

    Sending you support over the internet. Hope you feel it.


  8. Debbie says:

    I totally understand this post. The hard part is not knowing what he understands, hears, sees, feels. The non-communication is hard, very hard. Watch for signs, though. You know that already. I HATE Parkinson’s! and dementia! The quirky thing about it is there are moments when the brain is connected and you get that glimpse, again, of the normal man. Those moments always made me cry. Bless you, Julie.

  9. tootlepedal says:

    Very hard work for you.

  10. Rhonda says:

    i hear that roar jules…and you are right, it’s deafening.

  11. bulldog says:

    I can’t click the like button on the posts these days as it pains me to hear of Ants difficulties… all I can say is stay strong Julie and let the angels hug you and give you peace and determination to endure the trauma through which you battle…. Hugs to you…

  12. I can’t begin to understand. But I feel so much for both of you.

  13. Robyn Lee says:

    Gosh Julie — I know I would behave exactly like you … I try to fill the silence with useful gestures and distract myself from the pain. I understand… love to you dear friend -x r

  14. Silence I would think has to be so hard when it is brand new and you are going against years of leanred expectations and behavior between you and Anthony. Speaking is an important part of a relationship. I hope that the silence gets easier. 🙂

  15. Vicki (from Victoria A Photography) says:

    Sorry to hear this and that you are finding it uneasy, Julie.

    Even when he doesn’t talk, I’m sure your presence is good company for Anthony. Sometimes, even without conversation, a ‘shared’ silence is golden. It just takes a bit of getting used to.

    But on the phone….well, silence would be more difficult. Perhaps a five second call at the end of the day (just to say “goodnight and sleep well”) might be easier.

  16. Susan says:

    Does he like books, magazines or the news? Maybe read to him, always a lovely shared experience.

  17. annotating60 says:

    Jules, you’ll get through it. What you need to do for Ants, you need to do for your peace of mind as well. It’s what love is.>KB

  18. adinparadise says:

    It must be so heartbreakingly frustrating for you, Julie, but love conquers all, and you’ll come though this knowing you did everything you could, because of it. Hugs to you.

  19. Boy, that is so true about silence not always being golden. Nothing is ever always anything. Things just are what they are, how we move in and with them and what we experience. No euphemisms for silence filled with pain. I feel for you, Julie. I mean it. Hugs.

  20. janechese says:

    So well written, it engages me on so many levels.

  21. This is why me and mum like to go to the nursing home together to visit nan so we can talk to each other since nan doesn’t talk much she will answer a question at times or reply with I love you too when we tell her we love her……………..

  22. prayingforoneday says:

    WOW/.I don’t know what to say…

    Life is moments, just hang on to the good ones…


  23. Lynda says:

    At least you talk to him. He needs that. Just to know you will share, even if he can’t respond, must be a comfort to him. Bless you and your determination, Julie!

  24. Fergiemoto says:

    I’m sorry. That sounds so hard.

  25. Judith Post says:

    I think you are so awesome. You make it work, whether he talks or not. He knows he’s loved.

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