jmgoyder

wings and things

Metamorphing 1

on August 8, 2013

IMG_2573

I seem to be experiencing one metamorphosis after another, having finally adapted to, and accepted, the way my own life has changed since Anthony went to the nursing lodge.

The terrible sense of loss, and the unending grief, haven’t dissipated, but I seem to have developed/discovered a bedrock of joy, no matter how sad or anxious I get about things. It’s so weird!

Yesterday I tried to describe this to Anthony, while I gave him a taste of my latest baked delight – a date loaf recipe my friend Nicola gave me, enhanced with the addition of glace cherries and coconut butter. The result, according to Ming, was a disaster, and, according to Ants, rather dry, and according to Nicola, almost like her recipe but not quite. Oh well, it is edible and that’s the main thing! I will do her recipe properly tomorrow.

Anyway, I was telling Ants about how my whole attitude had changed and that I felt like I’d fallen in love with him all over again. My euphoria was slightly dented when he responded with a rather lame “That’s good then,” between mouthfuls of the rather dry cake.

“You’re supposed to be really thrilled when I say that kind of loveydovey thing,” I harrumphed, indignantly.

Anthony looked at me, his face nearly smiling, his eyes nearly twinkling; then he reached out and took one of my warm hands in one of his always-cold hands, and said, “You are wonderful. I wish I didn’t love you so much.”

Gutsy9 (pictured) is always a source of cheer for all three of us.


47 responses to “Metamorphing 1

  1. bulldog says:

    Still loving every post you make…

  2. You have the best spirit and heart.:)

  3. ksbeth says:

    he is right you are wonderful, and your recipe sounds delicious, though as we all know, sometimes the ingredients just don’t taste like you imagined when put together in certain combinations. hope your metamorphosis continues on a positive path – best, beth

  4. FlaHam says:

    Julie, The recipe clearly works because from all indications it got wolf’d down. Metamorphcially I truly believe I know where Ants is coming from. And I know it’s not from lack of love or caring. He knows something is being taken from him, something he wanted forever. Only his forever isn’t as long as he wants it to be. Please take care my sweet friend. — Bill

  5. Ingrid says:

    Beautiful … I still want to catch up with you … especially before I go to Russia in October … need a contact no.

  6. tersiaburger says:

    What a lovely post Julie! I truly look forward to reading your posts every day! Lots of love and hugs

  7. Colline says:

    My thought after reading this is that I am not surprised you love him – he seems so gentle and loving the way you describe him. He seems to know exactly what is in your heart.

  8. Vicki (from Victoria A Photography) says:

    Wow! He’s getting to be a big fella (oops, I mean bird).
    Can’t believe how much Gutsy’s grown.

    Lovely to hear that Anthony still has that same old magic.

  9. Often when the memory goes, people can still remember things from the distant past quite clearly. Maybe this picture helps Ants remember who he is when we wakes up and has forgotten or something like that?

  10. He really knows how to drive his message home, doesn’t he?

  11. The second response was a keeper. 🙂

  12. Julie, you and Ants really have a beautiful love story. Sigh.
    Are you going to share that date loaf recipe? Sounds like it could be yummy.

  13. tootlepedal says:

    Hard to think of anything sensible to say about all this but you have all my best feelings with you (and Gutsy too of course).

  14. Gutsy9 is a source of cheer

  15. Gutsy9 is a source of cheer for all of us.

    So glad you are coming to terms with your life as it has come to be. It is a good place to be where you can be sad about the situation, but it doesn’t drag you down (at least as much).

  16. gutsy has become quite handsome!

    i understand that underlying joy for life. when we got our last news this is how we felt. it was not good news yet we didn’t feel really upset. it was more an ok…. well that’s not good…. should we still plan a trip for october? sure why not.

    sending you warm hugs andlove my friend

  17. I’m happy that you have come to a place of acceptance and joy… It has to be difficult at times ..Diane

  18. angelasommers says:

    Just beautiful – you have such a great way with words, and you cope so well with all you are going through. You have a cheering gallery right over here in California – love to read your blog, and I am always touched by your writing. And I fell in love with Gutsy!

  19. Gutsy 9 is getting so big it is good that you feel like you are falling in love all over again and loved his response

  20. WordsFallFromMyEyes says:

    Oh my God, I love you guys’ relationship! “I wish I didn’t love you so much” 🙂 🙂 How beautiful is that.

    Very glad you’ve found a new perspective which has given you more room for peace.

  21. You brought such utter joy to my heart this my Saturday morning Jules! Thank you. I DO know what you mean. It is an odd dichotomy of emotions I know, I have been experiencing a very similar event in my life.
    Your awareness of the changes you are experiencing and sharing with Ants makes my heart glad for you both.
    Happier days are yours to hold my friend~

    • jmgoyder says:

      That means a lot, BB – thank you – I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately.

      • Isn’t life so wonderfully strange?
        The strong connections that can be made with the human spirit despite being miles apart astounds me.
        I have been thinking a lot about you, and praying you are feeling much better.
        I appreciate you thinking of me more than i can say my friend. Life moves along and most days like you I am right there embracing it.
        Thank you Jules.. so very much.

  22. I am so happy for you that you have come to a place of acceptance and feeling OK with it.

  23. Judith Post says:

    Your Anthony is a wonder! And any recipe is tricky the first time you make it.

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