wings and things

Sinking into self-pity

on August 27, 2013

Sometimes I think that self-pity is necessary, maybe even vital, before taking the next adventurous step into a new page, whatever that page is.

When I told Anthony that Ming had damaged his back, AB’s eyes filled with tears, and that’s pretty much how I have been feeling too for the last week since finding out that our beautiful, heroic son has a titanium fracture (post scoliosis surgery 19 months ago.)

Ming, being the youngest of our father-mother-kid trio, is slightly more upbeat – emphasis on ‘slightly’. The worst thing for him is that he will have to quit his job, milking cows for our fantastic neighbours, a job that he loved.

So, I am going to indulge in some self-pity until tomorrow.

74 responses to “Sinking into self-pity

  1. Vicki (from Victoria A Photography) says:

    I pressed the ‘like’ button with some hesitance, Julie.

    One can’t actually Like what has happened to Ming. I’m so sorry to hear that Ming has to quit his job. He must be feeling really low and dispirited with the whole damn thing.

    Indulge in self-pity all you must. This is one occasion when I can’t think of a single good thing to say to cheer you all up.

    Sending lots of love & cyber hugs.

  2. Rather than self-pity, what if you simply embrace it as self-love, self-care, self-compassion. You’ve been through, and are going through, a lot. Being gentle with yourself is as important for you, as it is for others — and you give it so beautifully and lovingly to others…


  3. I think it’s okay to have days with some self-pity…..I know that I can’t ‘pretend’ very long at all without saying that I’m ‘mad,sad,hurt or whatever. Life ‘sucks’ sometimes! ( I rarely use the word sucks but it seemed apropos )…. Feel better soon Diane

  4. Go for it. A little self-pity is necessary as a healing balm; but you wouldn’t want to be slathered in it.

  5. You have a lot on your plate, Julie. Be kind to yourself. x

  6. I am impressed that you know enough to allow the self pity. Schedule it. Let it ride. And you control it. Instead of it controlling you. I like that. Be well.

  7. cobbies69 says:

    sometimes it is ones way.nothing wrong with that…. 😉

  8. My husband has titanium in his back too as a result of a rotten bacteria that started rotting his vertebrae. The very week you mentioned about Ming fracturing his back we were busy getting boxes of books down from the attic to send to our son in Paris. When I read what you had written I called a prompt halt to the proceedings, and left the box removal to younger hands.

  9. jatwood4 says:

    I’m not saying I like what is happening in your family, but I do like the plan to allow your feelings to be what they are. Then, when you feel better, you will understand the contrast more fully and deeply. I hope Ming recovers quickly — all my best to you and your family.

  10. I think a little self-pity is not only natural, but healing. If you try to brush it aside and go on with a spring in your step and being all cheerful, then I think it will all come crashing down harder later on.

  11. Debbie says:

    Cry in the night, Dear Mum, and be strong in the day. Try to keep it in perspective. Hopefully, it’s a momentary blip and something that, in time, can be corrected. Saying a prayer for you all and sending a some BIG Texas love across the waves…

  12. I don’t like that it’s happening and it felt wrong to press “like.” I don’t like it at all and I feel sad with/for your situation. It’s a tough one Julie because there’s already enough stress going on in your life, not what you need now. The only comforting thing I have to offer is my prayer, my hope, with all fingers crossed, that Ming gets through this and heals completely to everyone’s satisfaction. Will keep that prayer out there for you. Meanwhile whatever you’re experiencing is completely understandable. Hope some respite light gets into the darkness during your days while it’s sorting out. Love, Paulette

  13. I am so glad that while reading the comment section that you have so many lovely friends that are there for you and support you. I think that recognizing the heart ache and the need for mourning something that you can’t fix and you can’t control is so crucial to getting to the next step of being able to put it aside for when Ming and Anthony need you to be strong for them. It is always so important for the care giver to be remembered and nurtured as well since they do the brunt of the heavy lifting on the physical and emotional level. If you weren’t there for both of your men, I don’t know what they would do. You are the backbone of the family. I’m thinking of you Jules, kisses and hugs

  14. mimijk says:

    I think everyone needs some time to crawl into themselves and just feel sorrow. I’m with you Jules..

  15. Trisha says:

    I don’t see what you’re feeling as self-pity at all. You’re feeling compassion and empathy for Ming. It’s perfectly understandable, given this news. Be kind to yourself.

  16. We’re all allowed some self-pity sometimes. Heed all the above advice– take time for yourself.
    It’s a blow to your son but kids heal fast.

  17. My dear Julie, you have had so much on your plate fortoo long a time. So what if every now and then, you experience what you call self pity and I might call tired and overwhelmed. You are only human. The Julie I consistantly see, is the Julie who loves her family in words and actions always.
    HUGS to you Julie!

  18. tersiaburger says:

    Please tell Ming there are a lot of WordPressers rooting for him and his parents. It is soul destroying when your child is ill or hurt. Icecream or self-pity – whatever it takes to get you to tomorrow and next week. Lots of love my friend. xxx

  19. FlaHam says:

    Julie, from time to time self-pity is the only tool we have to get us thru a particularly bad period. As long as you don’t overindulge you will be fine. I am sending the very best I have to Ming, and you and Ants as well. I will share what strength I can. Please take care, and know I am thinking of you. Bill

  20. FacetsofLucy says:

    Julie, I’m so sorry about Ming’s back and about him having to give up the job he has so loved. I know that saying, “God never gives you more than you can carry” but you’ve got burdens on you galore. Too bad you can’t dip them in red wine and roll them in dark chocolate! 🙂

    I hope knowing that Ming will be better than before is enough comfort to carry you the worry and recovery that lie ahead for you all.

  21. tootlepedal says:

    It seems fair enough to me. If you want any lessons in self pity, I am your man (with none of the good reasons you have).

  22. ksbeth says:

    it’s okay to feel that just like any other feeling is valid. you have a lot going on, every path takes unexpected turns, and baby steps forward will keep you going. best, beth

  23. I love that first sentence so much Julie. I read it and burst into tears…it’s like I was given permission for a little self pity myself. I’ve been so sick this week with flu – I Know this is nothing like what Ming has been through, is going through but I just feel rotten…

    And I’m sorry he has to lose his job – let’s look forward to the next adventure though. We have no clue what it could be. Maybe he’ll get that job back in time, maybe something quite different that he wouldn’t have tried if this hadn’t happened.

    Gentle hugs to you all x

  24. Terry says:

    I am so sorry. Can anything be done?

  25. Lynda says:

    Julie, I am sorry. It is rotten to have to go through the surgery again, but I think Ming will do fine. He has a very strong spirit. xo

  26. A mental health break is what i call them Jules. We all need them to process what life throws in our way.
    I absolutely think it is advantageous to feel the bitter before we can the sweet.
    And you are so allowed my friend.
    Things that involve are children are some of the most difficult to absorb I think.
    Know this please; I think Ming’s resilience is truly a testament to that which he is mirroring from what he has learned from you & your beloved Ants.
    Sending much love & gentle hugs to you my amaXing friend.

  27. Anonymous says:

    We suffer when something happens to our children, especially something like Ming has which could affect his mobility for life. All I can say is, it could be worse. As you know, my son died in January. I too have been feeling sorry for myself, but it’s pretty counterproductive and I think I’m finally pulling out of it. Ming needs you now to be positive and supportive, so don’t let yourself get too mired in self pity. It’s tough being a mother. Hugs, Kathy

    • jmgoyder says:

      Oh Kathy, it seems so awful to me that I have sunk when you, having lost your beautiful son, have reached out to me with such grace. I am in awe of you. Juliex

  28. My heart hurts for you….and for Ming…. hugs ♥

  29. I have to remember to limit my self-pity. I never heard anybody say that before. Treat self-pity in the same way we treat anything else in our lives. You are very wise. Thank you.

  30. WordsFallFromMyEyes says:

    I like how you put a time limit on the indulgence of self-pity, Julie. But it is an understandable indulgence. You’ve got to FEEL what you feel.

  31. i say wallow in it! roll around get good and dirty. then you can get up and shower. you will wash this off and keep putting one foot in front of the other. but for now take a mud bath filled with all the sorrow you are feeling. you deserve it.

    sending loving hugs to you my friend

  32. How awful that Ming has had to quit his job. I hope he is not in too much pain? I agree, sometimes you just need self pity and a good cry to get past the latest hurdle. Be well. I send you thoughts of peace and healing.

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