wings and things

When three is a crowd

on September 16, 2014

Okay, that whole three is a crowd thing is not always the case, but, when it comes to Ming, Ants and me together now,

There are lots of reasons for this, of course, where generational differences are made stark and raw and plain:

Ming: Mum, stop answering for Dad; let him talk!
Me: Why do you have to be so angry with me all the time!
Anthony: Stop it, you two.
Ming: He’s dribbling.
Me: (whispering) Shut up, Ming and stop embarrassing him!
Ming:(shouting) Dad, stick your tongue back in your mouth!
Anthony: (sarcastically sticking his tongue out then into his mouth) That better?

Now, the misery of this kind of three-pronged visit has been alleviated by the fact that Ming now has his own wheels again and can visit Anthony without me (as he did today and will do tomorrow because I have a cold). It is a relief to know that my absence for a couple of days is probably forgotten in the wake of Ming’s enormity of presence in Anthony’s life, mostly hallucinated or remembered but now, once again, real.

There are so many reasons why a now-20-year-old son, adored always by his mother and father, might get a little tired of the adoration at some stage and then, when the father began to get disease after disease, miss the adoration, and maybe feel a bit lost in the mayhem of his parents’ anxiety, his mother’s exhaustion, his father’s demise from workaholic dairy farmer (when Ming was born) to Parkinson’s disease patient in nursing home.

Ming starts his full-time job at the restaurant and said he will visit Ants after he knocks off tomorrow, so I can have a second day in bed, reading my book and getting over my cold.

I guess Ming and Ants have a relationship that works better if I am absent. Amen.

33 responses to “When three is a crowd

  1. I have noticed a different dynamic when certain family members are together in my presence. Much prefer them separate so I can enjoy them better. You’re not alone!

  2. Yes — you are not alone. And always, you are loving and kind and compassionate and caring. What a gift you are dear Julie.

  3. I see the same thing when my 23 year old daughter is with me and my husband. Something about the triangle that causes tension. Much easier when it’s just two together. This too, I think, will pass.

  4. Judy says:

    Things will improve with Ming someday, Julie. He is so typical of a kid – you are the target of his anger and frustration because he feels safe expressing himself to you. Sigh… the joys of parenthood. Even though this has been painful, I’m glad that you are seeing it as an opportunity to pull back and rest. It’s good you are writing; please know you are not alone. Feel my hug!

  5. Chicken noodle soup might help with the cold. I noticed that at certain points during the kids lives that the dynamic between their father and themselves worked better when I wasn’t there. It was weird in the beginning then I learned to embrace it and enjoy my peace and quiet. Funny how family’s develop and change and then change back again.

  6. Terry says:

    It is good to spend time together and apart. It’s healthy

  7. Trisha says:

    I hope you feel better soon. Take care!

  8. Rhonda says:

    Jules…even without the added stress and burdens place on your ménage…it’s this way with most kids and their parents. The dynamic changes so much over the years…first mom, then mom and dad, then dad, then (neither) for a while…it’s never easy, yours made even less so…but hang in kiddo…he’s still a great kid (boy-man) who’ll figure it all out with the help of your patience and unstaggering support. xoxo

  9. susanpoozan says:

    Well done for being so philosophical, I hope your cold goes quickly.

  10. tootlepedal says:

    Enjoy your well earned rest.

  11. janeslog says:

    At least Anthony has visitors all the time.

  12. Feel better. And there is something oddly normal about the change in dynamics when it goes from 2 of you to 3 of you.

  13. i hope by now you are feeling a bit better. yes, as the others have commented, dynamics change as people are mixed with various characters.

    it must be difficult for ming to see his father deteriorating from the man he knew as a child to the man he sees now. this would however have happened at this stage of their lives.

    i send you healing, loving thoughts and big hugs:) of course if you still have that cold hugs are “air” hugs, hahaha

  14. Ann Koplow says:

    Julie, another helpful post for me. Thanks so much.

  15. tersiaburger says:

    You write so beautifully! Get better soon!!!!

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