jmgoyder

wings and things

Difficult day

on October 26, 2014

Yesterday was a bit weird because when I arrived at the nursing home, Ants had put himself back to bed and, for the rest of the day was kind of sleepy/disoriented. Then, last night, they phoned me to say he had fallen. This morning, again, another phone-call to say he’d had another fall and they wanted to keep him in bed.

So today is the second day of Anthony being bed-ridden and a bit of a shock for me. I am sure this is just a little glitch and that he will get out of bed again and walk/smile/anything, but, on the other hand, maybe not. To witness his staring-at-the-ceiling eyes, his incoherence, his inability to squeeze my hand back, was a little scary and upsetting for me but probably a good dress rehearsal for when he dies. I accidentally collapsed into tears today with various staff which was really embarrassing because I never see my own stupid tears coming; they just do this sudden thing.


33 responses to “Difficult day

  1. mimijk says:

    That’s the thing about tears – they do what they have to do, whether we see them coming or not. You needed them today and I hope tomorrow is a better day..

  2. My Heart feels for you, Julie. I sit and imagine how you must feel … I so, hope everything is going to be alright very soon. Love, Gloria

  3. So sorry, Julie. How very difficult for you both. Prayers for you two. I hope it gets better for awhile at least. That was a sudden change.

  4. Your tears are no accident. They are truthful reactions to Anthony being in bed and you not wanting him to be. Thinking of you both today. And hoping for a typical Anthony statement to make us all chuckle.

  5. Colline says:

    Stay strong. And I am sure the nurses understand what it is your are experiencing.

  6. You just go ahead and cry, let it out, here there, wherever you need to. Nothing easy about this turn. But, who knows what it means or where it will go. I’ve seen them change. Sending you love.

  7. ksbeth says:

    it’s very hard to watch a person and their body that holds them within, begin to slow down. it is part of the natural life process, but that makes it no easier to be a part, it just happens without our wishing it so – hugs )

  8. It’s ok to cry Julie **HUGS**
    Diana xo

  9. janeslog says:

    Julie, he was probably like that because he had hurt himself and was still in a bit of shock. Falling is probably a shock for him, even if it does not seem to you that the fall was too bad. Falling out of bed may not seem to be too much to you, but to Ants it may be as bad as falling 50 feet.

    I have fallen a few times on the bicycle and while out running and I was feeling a bit shocked after it. Shock is a something which can cause different reactions in different people. On one occasion I fell during a cycle race and in a state of shock finished the race and was taken to hospital with a cracked bone in my leg.

    Just check Ants has not broken anything as it may cause him to react in this manner.

    So please do not worry – see how he is in a few days time after he has got over his falls.

  10. Michelle Burns says:

    Thinking of you and Ants today, from across the world. I thank you for sharing your life experiences. My 58 year old husband has had Parkinson’s for 8 years. Love, hugs, and prayers, Michelle

  11. Terry says:

    This was one very thankful thing with Al’s MSA, different from PD. Al never lost sight of who I was. I always prayed he would not forget me and now I will pray for Ants to come back around. Love you my friend, sending many hugs for these difficult days

  12. Sorry i haven’t been commenting I’ve had sadness of my own but feeling better now. I hope this is a passing phase but we all go on at some stage. Enjoy what you can now. Wish I could hug you.

  13. Oh Julie, I’m so sorry….. it’s so hard, I know…. I really do! Diane

  14. tersiaburger says:

    My dear friend nothing can prepare you for the dying process of your precious Ants. It is however a dress rehearsal of the next part of Ants’ journey. The endless days and weeks and months of sitting next to the bed of a loved one who is merely breathing. My dear friend my heart bleeds for you. The time will come when you will pray for Ants’ journey to end. It is important to be kind to yourself now. Allow yourself to cry, scream, rant and rave. You have ;loved deeply and now you must grieve deeply. Much love.

  15. I never see my tears coming, either. And I also find them maddening. I wish I could be like my German sister, who generally holds herself together (like I do), but when she loses it and bawls, she isn’t in the least embarrassed or apologetic. She just wails away as if she has every right to the release. Which, of course, she does.

    But why can’t I believe that I have that right, too? As do you, of course.

    It does sound very hard, Julie. (P.S. I collapsed into tears last night when I got an email from my sister that our Papa had died. I’m their exchange student adopted family member, and I’ve known for years that he could have slipped away at any moment, and thought I was prepared, in fact, that I had already grieved. But, grief is something that always takes us by surprise.)

  16. tootlepedal says:

    I am crying for you too Julie.

  17. Yvonne says:

    You no doubt know this already … a piece of advice someone gave me when my husband died very unexpectedly: just go with your emotions, and never apologise for them.

  18. Oh yes it is terrible when we see them bedridden and it can be a shock when it comes on so suddenly I h\hope it is only a minor setback for Anthony

  19. virtual hug across the vast country…x

  20. feel my hugs my wiping your tears and just letting you let go of all the hurt, confusion , anger and disappointment in finding your love in this situation. I pray for you to have strength. xxx

    *http://about.me/lencarver *

  21. Trisha says:

    So difficult. My heart goes out to you both and I pray this is just a minor setback. Hugs to you, dear Julie.

  22. i think about how difficult this part must be. chris seems to deal with these changes well but i know in my heart it can’t be easy for him. reading this made my heart ache for you both. anthony and i are having a much easier time of it. not to say this part is easy for us just not difficult in the way it is for you.

    sending you love and very big warm hugs!

  23. Sending huge hugs. So hoping this is only a momentary setback and Anthony bounces back soon.

  24. Aw, so sorry. I have the same tears disease. I cry and my husband cracks jokes. It is the way of things.

  25. niasunset says:

    So difficult, but be strong dear Julie, my prayers and hugs and love for you both! nia

  26. Vicki says:

    Sorry to hear about this, Julie.

    Unfortunately, dress rehearsals never ever equate to the real thing, but glad to hear you are mindful of the what will eventually happen.

    Hope Anthony perks up back to his former seat.

    Much love…..Vicki x

  27. Lynda says:

    This is hard, Julie. I’m sorry. I understand about the tears. Mine never behave, and never have behaved. xo, Lynda

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