wings and things


on February 16, 2015

1995 060 I have various versions of the same dream once or twice a week. In the dream Ants and I are on a holiday somewhere, a long way from home, and a long way from the nursing home. We are either at some sort of luxurious resort or at a wedding, and familiar family faces come and go from each dream version. Everyone is always aware that Anthony is very ill and often he is in a wheelchair. The strange thing about this dream is that its evening is suddenly punctuated by the horrifying fact that I have forgotten to bring his many pills and it’s too late, and too far, to go back and get them. But then an even stranger thing happens. He gets up from the wheelchair and walks around talking and laughing and socialising and I realise he doesn’t need the pills! IMAG0084 Another recurring dream I have is that we are on the brink of getting married but he gets cold feet and the wedding is called off and I am broken-hearted. Whenever I wake up from this dream I am filled with relief that it was just a dream but then I look over to his side of the bed and am hit with the jolt of his absence. On these days I usually go into the nursing home earlier than usual. DSCN2070 This morning Dina (my decluttering friend) and I cleared our fourth room – a little room at the back of the house that I once used as an office. It was filled with books, papers, some of Ming’s ‘stuff’ (which seems to be in EVERY room!) and I didn’t think we’d even get to the filing cabinet which was also full of bits and pieces. But we did! All legal documents are now in one place; jewellery in another; photos in another; and Ming’s bits and pieces in another, ready for him to sort out with the help of Dina. Now a little myth I need to dispel: Dina does not chuck stuff out; she simply hands it to me and I make the decision as to whether it’s worth keeping or chucking. And I am getting very good at chucking! Periodically she asks (she is so considerate!) if I am okay which is a fair enough question as some of the bits and pieces we find plunge me into a kind of nostalgia, but it’s mostly a happy nostalgia. If it isn’t, it goes in the rubbish bag – wonderful! As we declutter, categorize and cull, my mind unfurls its tightly-wrapped knots of confusion and clarity seeps back in.

Interestingly, I now have another recurring dream. In this dream, the house returns to the way it was before Anthony became so ill: spotlessly clean, tidy, organised and beautiful. But, for the first time ever, it will be my house too – less cluttered with ornaments and free of hoardings. I could never do this kind of thing when Anthony was home because he was sentimental about everything, even his father’s old dressing gown! And he wouldn’t like what is happening now but he doesn’t know so it doesn’t hurt him. I would never hurt him. And, thanks to Dina, this dream is coming true.

36 responses to “Dreams

  1. susanpoozan says:

    You are so brave, going through your past in this way. However I am sure that the end result will so satisfying that it will have been worth the effort and heartache.

  2. arlene says:

    they say that our dreams our our silent thoughts manifested when we are asleep. Praying for your family Julie.

  3. Rhonda says:

    This is a great thing you are doing Jules, and yes, I totally get how it would make Ants feel (my father was a MASTER pack rat and would never, ever, condone our doing the same) but it’s absolutely necessary and I’m so proud of you for doing it. That first picture is the BEST! xoxo

  4. Terry says:

    I used to have similar dreams about Al. Then after he passed I had that real life dream where he was standing at the foot of my bed smiling at me showing me he was healed and well. I will never ever forget that dream. Today I swear it was not a dream that he really came back to show me the illness was gone

  5. ksbeth says:

    all wonderful, and i love the pictures!

  6. Lisa Rest says:

    No doubt all that sorting through stuff of which memories are made is contributing to your dreams at night. You are getting it all sorted out, making whatever sense you can of it all, and I’m so glad it’s coming together for you. The journey continues.

  7. We certainly have so de-cluttering of our own to do… We don’t have a lot of storage in a Mobile home and so closets are too full… hopefully will get to it soon. You’ve motivated me.. Diane

  8. Judy says:

    I’m sure there are many interpretations for these dreams – but what I think ties all of this together is that you are simultaneously living the past, present and future. Your dreams are weaving all of those things together – sweet memories, the pain of his current situation and preparation for when he passes. It’s a lot, Julie. But your writing is so touching and I’m sending you a really big hug today.

  9. What a poignant journey with this piece and photos. Love to you, Jules.

  10. The lovely thing I’ve learned about your Anthony from what you’ve written about him, is he would want “his girl” to be happy.

    I love these pictures. The one of Anthony and Ming is priceless!

  11. My Heartsong says:

    It is always good to have help de-cluttering.I am going to do some more when I get home again.

  12. De-cluttering is so rewarding Julie – I’m happy for you! I just love that pic of Anthony with Ming in the tub. ❀
    Diana xo

  13. Colline says:

    Those dreams seem to be referring to a time when Anthony was healthier. Keep on dreaming them, they seem to give you strength.

  14. tootlepedal says:

    I like the idea of acting out in the physical world the clearing of the mind. I hope you end up refreshed.

  15. I love that you are making one of your dreams come true Jules πŸ˜€ I also love that you have your wonderful dreams at night, I love the ones that I have of France, it keeps me connected to my family there in a strange way. πŸ˜€ Hugs Jules.

  16. You will get through it one room at time, some rooms take more work then others

  17. I would have never imagined I could have filled this house with so much “stuff.” And I dread going through it, But if we don’t, our kids will. I have a lot of interests and work, and I am sentimental on top of that, so what a mess of stuff!

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