wings and things

Chapter 19: The last day of the fourth August since he died [August 31, 2021]

on August 31, 2021

At the beginning of this fourth August since Anthony died, I was relieved to wake up feeling normal because the last three Augusts had been filled with such an overwhelm of sadness that I could hardly function.

People like me, who have been grief-stricken, often function very well in their day-to-day lives but can then, privately, collapse emotionally when the dreaded anniversary arrives. I was fine until just a few days ago but tonight it is almost as if I can’t bear to see the end of August and, paradoxically, I can’t wait for the few hours it will take for September to arrive – spring.

My own grief at losing an 81-year-old husband seems to me to be incredibly selfish in the context of the kind of suffering other people are experiencing world-wide, especially in war zones, and I acknowledge that. When I first met Anthony and Gar my lifelong ambition was to be a social worker overseas, an evangelist even; I wanted to save the world.

I guess I had a good imagination? I decided to put my universal ambitions aside and, instead, try to save Anthony and Gar from the eternal damnation of their not-going-to-church behavior.

I remember vividly a philosophical discussion I had with Anthony late one night in which we discussed what might happen to animals when they died. As a dairy farmer who loved his cows, he wanted to know what I thought so I just said that they would go to Heaven of course.

In just a few hours it will be the end of the fourth August since my beloved husband died and the memories flood into my mind like the sounds of an orchestra practicing a strange new tune; the music is too loud.

The conductor is absent.

7 responses to “Chapter 19: The last day of the fourth August since he died [August 31, 2021]

  1. Anonymous says:

    But the music, oh the music.

  2. obscureprism says:

    JM. Your writing is truly beautiful and exciting/anguishing to read. No person I know ever expressed love more purely and innocently/wisely than you. Thank you for sharing. You must put this into a play. Seriously…Sorry Juli…esquely. Love, David

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  3. judyrutrider says:

    LOL I can only imagine how saving Ants and Gar from eternal damnation went. They don’t strike me as the type to be especially malleable to evangelizing. That said, I’m sure you can be persuasive.

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