jmgoyder

wings and things

May 17

Grandma and grammar

by jmgoyder

As one of my main roles at the university used to be teaching grammar to first year students, it is with some reluctance that I haven’t corrected Son’s email to my mother/his only grandparent. I have always wondered why my grammar knowledge didn’t just seep into Son, in an osmosis-ish way but this is probably because I am not a scientist!

He wrote this to her not long after his spinal surgery, when we were having some tough times.

Your the best Grandma and this is the best family / life anyone could ever imagine to have. I am indeed too lucky. In so many ways there’s a lot of good and some bad never 50/50 I grown to realise life gets harder but it also gets much better! There is always hard patches that seem to get worst over time but the that makes the good so much better! Therefore “Life really does get better and better!” I will always remember that saying you said years back “dark can never go into light – But light can shatter dark” & I thank you so much for your help it really helps. Todays a new day and I feel real good!   Thanks Grandma xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxo  

Family

49 Comments »
May 17

‘Cheer up, Jules – it’s not the end of the world!’

by jmgoyder

These were Husband’s words to me over the phone a moment ago. You see I have the flu again and so I can’t visit him and on the phone I got all teary about this, about letting him down. And that’s when he said, “Cheer up, Jules – it’s not the end of the world,” and made me laugh at my guilt and my stupid fluey self-pity. His beautiful voice on the phone, his little chuckle, his reassurance that it was okay to not come in today and to just get well – he sounded so normal and said he was fine.

It is possible that I keep getting rundown because I don’t know how to do all sorts of things here that Husband used to do, like ordering the kerosene and lighting the Aga for the winter, maintaining the garden, reading the electricity meter, maintaining his old BMW, knowing what to do when a pump goes wonky, unblocking the sink when the water table goes up, winding his collection of antique clocks, ratsacking the sheds, operating the lawnmowers, changing the oil in the old ute (truck), and so on.

Son and I are getting a handle on how to do these things and we both feel stupid sometimes for not knowing how, but all of these jobs were Husband’s while Son was at school and I was teaching at the university, so it wasn’t until Husband’s Parkinson’s got worse, and I had to stop teaching (nearly 2 years ago) that I realized how little I knew about how to ‘run’ this place. We are so lucky to have the beautiful neighbours, whose farm adjoins this one, and who Son will soon resume milking cows for, leasing this property and helping us with advice, support and emu rescuing!

Sometimes, when I ring Husband, or go and see him, he is disorientated, immobile, or he has a ‘turn’, or he is down in the dumps. But whenever I ask him for advice or support, he seems to catapult himself out of his Parkinsonism and rally for me, and for Son. He gives advice, he tell us who to contact about this or that, and he comforts us if things are difficult (like after Son’s spinal surgery).

So, when Husband said his cheering words to me, I realized once again what a hero I married. His resilience is awe-inspiring and takes my breath away. His strength of spirit is something I can only aspire to. He has made my heart huge.

So for any of you who are going through dark, difficult, challenging experiences, health problems, anxiety and/or depression, I hope Husband’s “Cheer up – it’s not the end of the world” axiom will help.

Don’t worry about the expiry date – just peel it off the ‘Cheer Up’ package!

Note 1: This doesn’t work for everyone, but there will be no refunds.

Note 2: It did work for me because if got me out of my flu fug and got me trying to be funny again (emphasis on ‘trying’).

I love Husband so much!

Family Friendship

47 Comments »
May 16

I miss you

by jmgoyder

I miss you because you are one of the bloggers I mislaid when I unsubscribed from everybody’s and created a blogroll. I am still relatively new at this blogthing so please remind me if I have unwittingly forgotten you.

I miss you because you are my now impossible-to-care-for Husband.

I miss you because you are my now growing-up Son.

I miss you because you were my father and you died.

I miss you because you were the mother who loved music, and now you can’t hear it.

I miss you because you used to think I was okay until I became so unreliable, unpredictable, unsociable, but I didn’t mean to hurt anyone.

I miss all of the visits from friends and family because now home feels quiet and dead without Husband.

I miss myself.

blogging Family Friendship

68 Comments »
May 14

Nearly there

by jmgoyder

In just a few days, Son will be able to take off his ‘corset’ (spinal brace), because it’s now over three months since he had the scoliosis operation.

He will then have to develop a better sense of fashion!

Family

36 Comments »
May 13

To the unsung mothers….

by jmgoyder

All day, I have been haunted by a compulsion to write a post for all of those mothers (and fathers) whose children have been lost to death, illness, or disappearance, because Mother’s Day would have been hellish for them. I don’t have the right words to write such a post because, every time I try, it just seems trite.

And what about those who are watching, waiting, hoping and praying that little K will be okay – this fantastic 5-year-old battling cancer and all the treatments – always with a big smile. K, her brother, her mother, her father, her uncle, her grandmother, and all of us, watch, wait, hope and pray.

I guess this is a humble salute to the unsung mothers for whom a Mother’s Day breakfast-in-bed would be as far-fetched as snow on roses.

Family Friendship

27 Comments »
May 13

An apple crumbly day

by jmgoyder

Son and I went in for lunch with Husband at the nursing lodge today and it was lovely. Well, the food was lovely, Husband was feeling okay, Son arrived a little late from his last night’s party, and I was quite boppy but then, as Husband ate his dessert, my dessert and Son’s dessert, hardly looking at us, I felt my boppyness subside into a more low-key tone.

“Are you starving?” I asked Husband, laughing at his appetite.

“Well, you never make me sweets,” he said, polishing off the third apple crumble and custard.

Son and I got the giggles briefly and Husband glared at both of us, between mouthfuls, then winked and said, “Glad I provide you guys with so much amusement.” His mastership of irony has always caught me off guard and, as I didn’t have an appropriate response, I just said, “You are such a glutton!” and he replied, “And you are such a glutton for punishment,” and reached out and squeezed my knee.

Not long after this, when the three of us were back in Husband’s room, he started to have one of his ‘turns’, getting very drowsy and weird. We alerted the nurse, then eventually we left Husband almost asleep in his chair and came home. Needless to say, all my boppyness had dissipated. We had only been there for two hours but it had felt like ten hours – oh, the guilt of admitting this!

But worse was to come when Son said, “Mum, I don’t want to do this anymore.”

It seems so strange that only a few days ago, I was worried about Husband’s apparent heartbreak at not coming home to the farm overnight anymore; then, when we encountered such difficulties bringing him home just for the day (and his lack of mobility shocked me), I realized that all three of us have to somehow accept that the nursing lodge is home for him now.

So already, the routine we decided to stick to (several posts ago) has become impossible because getting Husband home has now become a big ordeal due to his deterioration with Parkinson’s, which I think is in its final assault mode. I hate this disease more than I have ever hated anything because it is so slow and cruel and humiliating and scary. Many of Husband’s best friends are nervous to visit him and I don’t blame them at all.

I think the most heart-breaking thing today though was when Son reiterated to me on the way home, “I don’t want to see Dad like this any more, Mum.”

And this puts me in a dilemma. Do I force Son to come with me to visit Husband or not? My opinion is not – and to let Son choose when and if. He has been through this huge scoliosis surgery which more or less coincided with Husband going to the nursing lodge and, now that Son is nearly out of his spinal brace, I think Husband and I need to let him go, let him do what he thinks is best.

Below is a photo of a photo of Husband and Son, when Son was just born. I love this photo!

Oh yeah, and I’ve never particularly liked apple crumble anyway.

Family Friendship

50 Comments »
May 12

Mother’s Day

by jmgoyder

One child

an ‘only child’ who briefly wanted siblings,

until ten of his cousins came over one day and he asked me to tell everyone he had a headache and retired to his room like an old man; he was four …

a child who, at two years of age, would rather change his own nappy than go to the toilet,

who had a dummy until he was three and would hide it if G’ma came over (he and I had a place to put it out of sight – especially the pink one!)

A child who was only an infant when his father first got sick, but who thought, when the moon was full, that “Daddy fixeded it!”

a child whose depth of feeling, of wisdom, of kindness, shines almost too brightly for me,

a child who has tested me with his worries and wonderings.

Today we came back from my best friend’s party in Perth,

and my child and I sang along with his favourite music booming through the car,

this child/man telling me when I was off key (what crap, I am never off key!)

ringing Husband in between riffs,

suddenly realizing we would be home in time for him to go to another party, and me saying yes, and his elation.

One child,

now 18 and showing wildchild signs, but all good.

He is a loud, laughing, boisterous replica of his father the way Husband used to be –

he is the life of the party,

he swears too much but only in a hip-happy way and he has forgotten our rule that swearing was only for inside the car,

but I don’t care because I love his joy.

One child,

who has seen more than enough sadness,

who has been my worst foe and my best friend,

my heart,

my mother’s day present every second,

my breath,

the best thing Husband and I ever did….

so this clumsy collection of words is for him, this wonderful person who carries the burden of my love for him on very strong shoulders,

one child….

Son.

Family Friendship

51 Comments »
May 11

‘Cross my heart and hope to die’

by jmgoyder

The idiom that heads this post apparently means the same as ‘I am telling you the truth.’

The other day, I said to Son, “If I get sick, or old, or if anything happens to me that makes it impossible for me to take care of myself, then please place me in care – in a nursing home. And, when that is done, I do not want you to feel like you have to visit me, or ring me, because I will be absolutely fine in the knowledge that you are fine.”

I suddenly remembered that childhood saying and, before thinking too much, I said to Son, “Cross my heart and hope to die.”

Son looked at me as if I were an alien and said, “What the hell are you talking about?”

And then he threw his arms around me and gave me a huge hug.

Tomorrow, when we go and see Husband, I am going to give him a huge hug and ask him what he is giving me for Mother’s Day.

Cross my heart!

Family

21 Comments »
May 10

No

by jmgoyder

As I write the tidbit scenes of my love story with Husband, I am filled with a nostalgic joy, the memory of anticipation, the thrill of our marriage of nearly 20 years, and our now teenage son.

At the same time, the thud of our present circumstances seems to twirl the present and the past into a surreal mix of agonizing happiness, of hopeless hope, and a longing that stretches across this farm to once upon a time.

Today, when Son and I visited Husband in the nursing lodge, Husband wanted to come home with us for the night and I had to, once again, say no.

I never realized until today how horrible the word ‘No’ is.

Family

54 Comments »
May 8

On Sunday

by jmgoyder

On Sunday Husband was picked up from the nursing lodge by another good friend and they both arrived at around 11am. Soon after, Son was delivered home from a party by one of his good friends.

The day was full of hope and some of those hopes happened – the Aga was lit (not an easy task after 6 months of being unlit), and the fireplace was also lit.

Husband had around half an hour of being able to walk around, supervise things and then he froze just outside the front door, his hands full of woodchips for the fireplace. As Son and I helped him into the house and onto his favourite chair in the living room, I cried openly, and in front of Husband, with the frustration of not being able to get him to walk. It took a good half hour before I could get Husband settled in his chair, by which time Son had abandoned us before whispering to me, “Mum, please tell him he can’t stay the night!”

So, during the next hour or so, I broke it to Husband that he couldn’t stay overnight any more, because he was too heavy etc. and needed to be looked after by nurses. He agreed, but was a bit shocked that he wasn’t staying the night. The sorrow and his words, “Well, I may as well shoot myself” were unbearable, but I tried to laugh it off by saying, “You wouldn’t be able to pull the trigger,” and Husband did laugh then and asked me to give him a hug.

Actually, I can’t seem to tell the rest of this story because it’s too hard. In short, I took Husband back to the nursing lodge.

On Sunday, we entered a new phase….

Family

16 Comments »
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