jmgoyder

wings and things

Joy

I used to think that Joy just automatically flew into your soul

She doesn’t

She always waits patiently for you to stop feeling sorry for yourself

and she doesn’t tolerate grumbling, mumbling, bumbling, stumbling or crumbling

She waits for you to tell her that it is okay to fly away

but to come back soon.

You can’t just say ‘yes’ to Joy; you have to say ‘yes, please,’ because Joy is very polite

I said, ‘yes please’ to Joy a minute ago

and she just landed on my shoulders.

Joy was a bit abrupt when she told me to clean the cobwebs out of my soul,

but I followed her instructions with a bit of Ajax.

I quite like her!

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A bit of ‘love story’ red-tape

So far, in the ‘Love story’ posts of this blog, I have referred to Husband as ‘Husband’ but it was pointed out to me today that this could be a bit confusing for new readers, so, from now on, I will call Husband, ‘Husband-to-be’ in the love story posts. Sorry for any confusion! I will go back and correct this oversight in the other love story posts.

I am really enjoying writing the love story and am intrigued that so many are interested, despite already knowing ‘the end’ as in the present.

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Just around the corner

I think there are a few gifts waiting for us – Husband, Son and me – just around the corner, but I cannot seem to get us to that corner we need to turn.

One of my best friends arrived this afternoon, just as Son and I got home from visiting Husband, and another best friend rang a moment later and, for a split-second I thought, yes, we are going to have a party, so I said, ‘come over.’ But in the next split-second, as my first friend fetched some wine from her car, I suddenly, unexpectedly, and rather dramatically, broke down and sobbed.

Now I have been in that situation myself, watching someone else’s grief leak/pour out and it is not the most comfortable of situations to be in, because you don’t know whether to put your arm around them, leave them alone, listen to their noise, or slap them. My friend did the perfect thing and just let me cry and stammer and Son then rang the second friend to say tomorrow might be better.

It was Husband’s sad, sad face that triggered this I think. I had left Son with him for a couple of  hours while I had coffee with my best oldest friend, Tony, so I had been enriched by this. But when I got to the nursing lodge, Son was impatient to go home and I had to break it to Husband that we weren’t taking him home with us. Watching the pleats around his mouth deepen with disappointment, I comforted him by saying, “It’s tomorrow you’re coming home,” but that didn’t seem to alleviate his misery. So then Son crouched down between Husband’s legs and thumped him lightly in the chest, “Dad, I know you are sad being here, but we are sad being home without you. Mum and I are sad, Dad – it’s not just you who’s sad.”

Just around the corner is a brand new, butterknife day. Husband will be home, Son will be out and I will not sob.

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“Idiot child!”

My maternal grandfather used to call me ‘idiot child’ when I was little. He said this fondly, so it was a term of endearment but I think he might have been right, because I have always been fantastically good at making a fool of myself. So I am still that idiot child despite a few decades having passed by.

But I am not so much of an idiot that I can’t read between the lines of how this blog has altered in tone from light-hearted and somewhat hopeful, and mostly about birds, last November, to what it is now. It is certainly much more about things than about wings. I worry that it is beginning to be tinged with a death theme and I know what that’s about.

Son has berated me for this morning’s ‘Doc’ post because he saw it on Facebook and he was enraged that (a) I had given up on Doc, and (b) I told the “world”.

My mother says she couldn’t do a blog because she wouldn’t want to “bare her soul” which means I must seem like I am baring mine – how ghastly!

One of my best friends says, in a gobsmacked way, “I’m ringing to see if you are okay because I just read your post.” He was referring to one from some time ago in which I was bereft and he said, “You always have been so transparent with your emotions.”

Needless to say, these comments make me feel like an idiot – ha!

This afternoon, I went to visit Husband in the nursing lodge and it was great. We walked up to the corner of the lodge property and discovered yet another ocean view, some other friends came and we ended up in Husband’s room, having a few laughs and reminiscing and then Husband began to falter and I needed to go home to see what was happening with Doc (I had left Son in charge).

Tomorrow Husband wants to come home for the day to help us make the Doc decision, so that is a good thing. As I was leaving, I said to him “Do you think I am an idiot?”

Without hesitation, Husband replied, “No, you’re just Jules.” And his acceptance is, and always has been, my warmest blanket.

But, speaking of idiocy, it wasn’t until I looked at a blurred picture I took of Phoenix 1 the other day that I realized the avocadoes were ripening – can you see them?

If you can’t see them, you are an idiot!

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Dangerous divulgences!

I have noticed lately, that all of the blogs I subscribe to are written by people who are good people. I have also noticed that sometimes good people let something slip into their posts that is not-so-good, or not-so-pleasant, a kind of appeal to indulge the divulgence, a hesitantly heroic haha of honesty, a ferocious fault-line, a grinning uncertainty.

I like to smoke cigars

I like to sip beer

I like to swear

Obviously Godrey doesn’t approve but who cares – I am not a goose!

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Doc isn’t well

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My mother

My mother is only a year older than Husband which is, I guess, a little weird and sometimes quite funny. She herself has been battling some health issues lately and yet her strength, resiliance, generosity and support is breath-taking. This poem is for her:

When I was a baby, she scalded my face

With fire-kissed love

When I was a little girl, she beat me

At Scrabble

And Monopoly

When I was a big girl, she sliced into me

And removed the gremlins one by one

When I was a teenager, she terrified me

With her unexpected games of hide and seek

Then she lost my father….

She lost my father

But she found him for me again

When I was 20, she chased me to Europe and back

With her proud, protective angel wings

Then she broke my heart

Losing her breast

The pillow of my infancy

When I was 30, she destroyed everything I believed

About my ugliness

When I was 40, she broke into my house

Of dog-eared cards

And reshuffled me a new deck

She wrecked my basement

And built me a balcony

When I was 50, she put poison into my chalice

Turning blood-sorrow into silvery wine

She turned my stomach

Into twisting, twirling hilarity

She grabbed me in a headlock so fierce

So loving

So hot

That my breath wavered in awe

Of her strength

My anchorage

My sister

My friend

My daughter

My mother….

My mother

My

Mother

I wish I could be as good to her as she has been to me….

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Nostalgic nuances

These pictures are of Woodroffe, the youngest of our three Sebastopol geese. He and his sister, Diamond, are about a year old now. Woody was only a few days old, but Diamond was a few weeks old, when we first got them, and it has made a huge difference in terms of my relationship with them. Woody is pattable and very tame but Diamond is quite shy and aloof.

Woody is on the far left.

 This is Woody now!

When Woody was a baby, Husband still lived here at home. Woody’s name was inspired by Husband’s family’s famous ancestor, George Woodroffe Goyder.

The trouble is, I am beginning to think Woody might be a girl!

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Standing up straight

The following is a copy/paste of an email I just send to myself and to Son in response to a phonecall from a beautiful relative who suggested we need a bit more routine with Husband in order to overcome the horrible rut the 3 of us seem to be in.

Son and I discussed things and he handwrote our new routine+rules and we shook hands in agreement because I have finally come to the point where bringing Husband home overnight is impossible due to the latest phase of his Parkinson’s.

Even though, as one of my friends pointed out to me on the phone last night, I am rather frighteningly, transparently, honestly ‘out there’ on the blog, there is a lot of in-between-the-lines/behind-the-scenes stuff I have not divulged, including those lost hours of staring-into-space inability to even wash the dishes…

So I am elated about this new plan and I am determined to make it work for Son’s sake.

New routine:

Monday – no visit

Tues – Dad home all day while Son at Music school

Wed – no visit

Thurs – Mum visit Dad for lunch at nursing lodge

Fri – no visit

Sat – Dad home for day

Sunday – optional visit Dad

New rules:

Dad can’t stay overnight here ever again

Mum to ring Dad at 11am and 7.30pm every day (instead of every couple of hours).

I think this is a great idea and I am not going to get sad about it because it beats the hell out of my random routine so far and it gives us all some predictability in the face of such unpredictability.

Son’s face lit up with relief when I agreed with him and he said, giving me a hug, “Mum, please let us be a team from now on – please!”

“Okay,” I said.

Poignancy is now in purgatory and pragmatism is my new friend because it always stands up straight.

So tonight, I rang Husband to tell him about the new routine but he just said, “I’m watching the news, Jules, can you ring a bit later?”

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A strange day

Today was a bit of a strange collection of moments so I have decided to write this post in point form:

  • Son and I arrive at nursing lodge at 11.30am to have lunch with Husband (we had arranged meals for us too – amazing and only just found out we could do this any time!)
  • Husband has difficulty getting out of the armchair in his room but the three of us slowly make our way to the dining room (Son getting grumpy, me getting hungry)
  • We get to the dining room to find staff have set up a special table just for us out in the garden area (I am amazed and impressed by this thoughtfulness)
  • Our meals are served to us as if we are in a restaurant and we all sit down (although by the time I get Husband into his chair and sitting comfortably, our roast dinner is getting a little cool and Son is beginning to grimace ferociously)
  • We all begin to eat and Son and I take turns trying to open the special beer for Husband which requires a bottle opener which is not something nursing lodges have on hand
  • Husband starts eating his meal as if it is his last meal ever (he has always eaten enthusiastically), so Son and I do the same until we are full then Husband asks for our leftovers – Son’s cauliflower and my potatoes)
  • I try again with the stupid beer bottle and then Husband takes it from me and gets a fork and opens it easily (Son and I crack up laughing at our bleeding fingers and our ineptitude)
  • Husband gives us both a twinkly-eyed look before telling us fondly that we are both hopeless and has a couple of sips of beer
  • We exchange short, unfinished, weird conversations between mouthfuls
  • Dessert arrives – some sort of creamy thing that Husband wolfs down in a state of pure bliss (I begin to feel a bit guilty that I haven’t made more desserts for him over the years!)
  • Husband begins to say strange things and all of a sudden it happens; his eyes go dead, his head drops towards his chest and he is almost unconscious
  • Son and I exchange looks, wondering if he is pretending (yes, Husband has a wicked sense of humour); we watch and wait and then realize it’s for real
  • I go and get a nurse to come and see. I say, “This is what happened at home on Easter Monday when I got the ambulance. I just thought I should show you.”
  • Several nurses come and get a bit of a shock because Husband’s eyes have rolled back, he has gone pale and he is unresponsive
  • A doctor is rung, a senior nurse is contacted, a hoist is brought outside to get Husband into a wheelchair back into his room and to bed
  • Son and I stay with him for another hour or so during which a nurse comes and takes his blood pressure etc. Gradually, Husband comes out of whatever it is and focusses on us but not quite – his eyes are still sharky and vague
  • Son and I leave after tucking him in on his side, the way he likes to lie down and we put the ANZAC Day channel on the television for him
  • Husband murmurs why are we leaving (by this time we have been there nearly 3 hours – okay, not long, but long enough)
  • Son and I get home and have a bit of a tiff (neither of us are particularly upset, just frustrated I guess)
  • We get out of our ute and I hear cheeping from the bush where the guinnea fowl’s eggs are and Son finds one little chick all alone, so I take him into the house with me, thinking the rest haven’t survived
  • Son then discovers a dozen of them out in the back paddock with all their mummies, so we take the little one back to the group and now we are hoping they will survive tonight (I did a lot of quick research and made some phonecalls to people who know about guinnea fowl and the majority think letting nature do its best is a good call
  • As dusk approaches Son and I discover that all but one guinnea mum have flown into the trees and this one dedicated mother has all the chicks under her in the paddock so we put both of our fox lights on either side of her and we are now hoping for the best until tomorrow morning
  • I then ring Husband and finally get through and he says, groggily, “Where are you? I’m at home,” and I say “No, I’m at home and you’re at the nursing lodge because you had one of those turns again.” I then tell him about the guinnea fowl chicks and he is delighted in a subdued way, then asks, “But what about me?”
  • “I don’t know,” I say, “Try to get some sleep, please!”(He agrees this is a good idea and I tell him I will be in tomorrow).
  • I rang the nursing lodge a moment ago and spoke to a nurse who said Husband was calling out for me, over and over again and I told her I couldn’t get through to him on his phone so would she check him out and say goodnight for us and she said of course and reassured me
  • And outside, between those fox lights, one mother guinnea fowl nestles her chicks underneath her and I hope for the best….

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