Friendship | jmgoyder

New life!

by jmgoyder

Yesterday afternoon, the four new ducklings settled into their pen, then got straight out again!

As I was trying to herd them back in, Gutsy9 followed, extremely curious, but also jealous as she kept biting the bottom of my jeans as if to say, “hey, what about me?”

The gang welcomed the ducklings with a chorus of gleeful honking, then quieter little sighing sounds. Predictably, Godfrey, the head gander, hissed at me threateningly. He has very strong paternal instincts!

But the happiest of the gang was Zaruma, our only remaining duck. His mate, Tapper (the one who used to actually scale the yard fence and get out), was killed by a fox last year, so he has been very lonely. His joy was amazing; he can’t quack for some reason but he was madly wagging his tail. He’s the one on the right with the red face.

The alpacas, Uluru and Okami, settled protectively on the other side of the fence.

Even Baby Turkey became interested in a pecking sort of way.

Woodroffe and Diamond exchanged raised eyebrows.

The ducklings were very curious about the peachicks.

But they were much more interested in their first swimming lesson.

Animal Family Friendship Happiness Wings

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Arthur

by jmgoyder

I found out this morning that Arthur died yesterday and am so terribly sad. Arthur worked for Anthony’s family as a dairy hand for decades and lived in the worker’s hut. He first came here when he was a teenager (well before my time). Less than two years ago, when Anthony had already begun living in the nursing home, Arthur began to seem very frail and ill and the hut was falling down, so I helped to arrange his transition to a nursing home (not the same one as Anthony’s). It was a heartbreaking decision because Arthur loved it here. After the dairy folded, he simply lived here, did a few odd jobs and, in latter years, just loved to sit on his veranda and watch the birds.

But Arthur thrived in the nursing home, to begin with. He had company, friends, and he was popular with the staff because he was such an unusual character. Ming and I visited him as often as we could, and just two weeks ago I took Anthony to visit, but we could see that Arthur was very ill.

When I rang to tell Anthony this morning, I was hit with such a wave of sorrow and nostalgia that I wept clumsily into the phone and, once again, Anthony had to comfort me. Arthur was part of the fabric of this place, this farm, our lives, for so long. He watched Ming grow up, he kissed me gently on the cheek last time we visited, and he and Anthony shook each others’ frail hands.

Family Friendship Grief Wings

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Listen to me!

by jmgoyder

It is over ten years since I completed my PhD in cultural studies; my thesis focused on the importance of listening to the storying of people with Alzheimer’s Disease. It was not a scientific thesis (and at the time I had no idea what the difference between qualitative and quantitative research was); it was more of an exploratory study of the art and gift of listening.

My interest in how listening might help/give comfort was inspired by the various patients in the nursing home in which I worked at the time – in particular a guy who I called ‘Joe’ who seemed to think I was his long-deceased fiancee.

After I graduated, I rewrote the thesis as a book and it was published – We’ll be married in Fremantle. This is not a plug for the book, as it was published way back in 2001, and not a best seller by any means, although it was shortlisted for various prizes for nonfiction.

I remember Anthony being so proud of me, for the PhD and then the book (Ming was a little kid then and Anthony was in good health), but I also remember, after all those years of academic study, how the simple art of listening would always be important to me.

Listening isn’t as easy as it sounds because sometimes it is difficult to shut up, refrain from giving advice etc. I make this mistake all the time with Ants and Ming (for different reasons, obviously), but now I am re-learning my own advice – to just listen.

Tonight, Ming said, “Mum, just listen to me!” and I did, and I shut my mouth, and I learned more about my open-hearted son than I have for ages.

Okay, before I get too sentimental, we are getting some ducklings tomorrow to keep our only duck company – I am so excited!

Animal Family Friendship Grief Happiness LOVE STORY Parkinson's disease Wings

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Thank you, Brian

by jmgoyder

This morning Ming and I had an appointment with the prison chaplain, a beautiful man who is the Anglican priest who, coincidentally, helped enable Anthony’s admission into the nursing home two years ago, and a good friend of my mother’s.

We met in his home and he did a wonderful job of demystifying prison (just in case Ming has to go there), and allayed many of our fears and concerns about things like violence, drugs, rape (obviously my worst fear). He told us that if the worst scenario (prison) eventuated, when Ming is finally sentenced, he will be in no danger as long as he doesn’t get involved with various unsavoury activities (drugs, alcohol etc.) If a prison sentence happens, Ming would undoubtedly be put in the low security section, and given a job of some sort (kitchen or gardening etc.)

While the three of us talked about the improbable possibility of a prison sentence, the prison chaplain must have wondered a bit about the difference between Ming’s reaction to this information (curious) and mine (tears – just a few; I got hold of myself), but he took it all in his stride and spoke calmly and wisely to us.

It was a bit terrifying for me to hear about the prison situation, but now I am no longer so afraid, thanks to this wonderful, wonderful man/priest. Ming’s reaction to our meeting took hours to happen. He was calm when he handed in his resume for a job at a restaurant, calm having lunch with me, calm during a Centrelink appointment, calm during a visit to Anthony while I did some errands.

But then, on the way home, we had one of those horrible yelling-at-each-other arguments (been having a few lately) but, once home, we decided to talk it through and we did this for over an hour until we sorted it out:

Me: So what is your main problem with me at the moment?
Ming: Your geese poop on my shed doorstep and your peacocks poop on the car!
Me: So you are more upset about the birds than the possibility of prison?
Ming: No, yes, no!

We are both fine again now, having sorted a lot of things out and I am so thankful for the fact that he and I can be honest with each other and get over/through these wrangles but it is so exhausting!

I think I might need to visit that wonderful priest again – soon. His name is Brian and he is a legend!

Animal Family Friendship Grief Happiness Parkinson's disease Wings

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Surreal

by jmgoyder

I saw Anthony this afternoon at the nursing home, and I showed him my blistered, peeling, bleeding hands and feet and told him that I had seen a doctor who had prescribed cortisone cream.

The doctor was more fascinated than concerned, when I told him I thought I had ‘pompholyx’. So, while I scratched away at my itchy hands and feet, he looked it up and confirmed my self-diagnosis. I just wish he hadn’t insisted on looking at my always-dirty-from-the-chook-yard feet – oh well.

Anyway, as I was telling Anthony all of this in my usual dramatic way, he pointed to his own hands and said he had the same thing. Well of course he didn’t have the same thing – it was just skin cancers on his old hands but I appreciated his empathy.

But then he whispered to me that it might be Parkinson’s disease and this is how our conversation unfolded:

Anthony: There is a doctor here who knows about it.
Me: About what?
Anthony: Your hands, this – he has black hair, young guy.
Me: Is he the doctor replacing the one on holidays?
Anthony: I don’t know, but don’t trust him, Jules.
Me: Why?
Anthony: He wants all of the Parkinson’s people in an experiment.
Me: Oh Ants it’s probably just a student doing a survey – is he asking you questions?
Anthony: Yes, personal. Don’t tell him anything, Jules.
Me: Ants, do you think you might be imagining or hallucinating some of this?
Anthony: I don’t know, maybe – oh and the family came this morning to take this place over.
Me: The Goyders?
Anthony: Yes – there’s a lot of money – be careful.
Me: I’ll check it out if you check out that whole doctor thing.
Anthony: One of them has red hair.
Me: That’s the priest isn’t it?
Anthony: No, the doctor – another one….
Me: I have to go now, Ants but I’ll be back tomorrow.
Anthony: Why do you have to go?
Me: It’s getting late, I have to get groceries, go to the chemist and look after Mingy.
Anthony: But where do you live now?
Me: I live at Bythorne, silly, on the farm!
Anthony: Do I still have a corner room there?
Me: Yes, but I can’t look after you overnight now because you are too heavy.
Anthony: But it’s still my farm.
Me: Your beautiful, beautiful farm, Ants, and Ming and I are taking care of it.

After this conversation, we hugged and kissed and I came home to Anthony’s resounding absence.

Family Friendship Grief Happiness LOVE STORY Parkinson's disease

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Sundown

by jmgoyder

Ever since the peachicks entered our lives, over a week ago, everybird has become very attentive at sundown, including this young couple (the peahen is the second one to finally return although without chicks).

Prince is also quite interested in how Queenie gets the chicks to bed (notice how he has lost all of his long tail feathers – all the peacocks have now).

Gutsy9 is a bit jealous and is always right next to me. If I crouch down, she offers her neck to be stroked.

While Queenie is stirring the chicks up, preparing them for their bedtime transition to the avocado tree, I put the geese, duck and turkey into their yard for the night. I have been trying to flood their pen in order to create a kind of pond for them and it is working.

Queenie and the peachicks take ages to get ready for bed.

So I take a photo of the fig tree while I wait.

The younger peahen flies into the yard to encourage Queenie.

King (undoubtedly the father) also flies into the yard and takes a protective stance.

And then the magic begins. The bigger chick actually leads the way!

Queenie has to help the smaller chick.

But it comes back down again to say goodnight to me.

This is around the same time (7.30-8pm) that Anthony often suffers ‘Sundowner syndrome’ so, once I leave the birds and go into the house, I always ring the nursing home to say goodnight to him. As he almost never answers the phone himself I usually have to get the nurse-in-charge to enable a conversation. Lately Ants has been okay, delusional but not upset. He often thinks he is either at boarding school, a hospital, a party, or a pub.

I tell him about the birds, and say goodnight, with a sense of tentative peace, which is probably how Queenie feels at the top of that avocado tree (can you spot her?)

Animal Family Friendship Happiness LOVE STORY Wings

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Ming’s court case update

by jmgoyder

I wasn’t going to say anything about this for awhile because it is so hard to talk about. Ming and I attended court the other day and his charges were read out, one by one. So, instead of the magistrate saying, “You are charged with five counts of dangerous driving causing bodily harm”, she read the charge five times. I sat at the back of the court room thinking it sounded like he had had five separate accidents. Ming stood next to his lawyer who then asked for an adjournment. This was approved with the next court appearance late in February. I think that is when the barrister will assist Ming in his plea of guilty and help him get a lesser sentence than prison.

The fact that prison is a possibility has been pointed out to me by the lawyer, barrister, police and our Anglican priest (who also happens to be the prison chaplain for this area). He – the chaplain – is meeting with us next week to discuss prison implications for Ming and to demystify its terror. Of course this scares the hell out of me because I thought prison was a very remote possibility, but the chaplain has said that the law is quite unpredictable and he wants to prepare Ming and me for a scenario whereby Ming is whisked straight from the courtroom to prison.

It is so hard for me to accept that my son, who was only wanting to give the kids a thrill, with parental consent, drove off the property, lost control on gravel, and injured five children. This careful, cautious, non-reckless son did this and I still cannot believe it; it still seems surreal.

All five children have recovered physically now, and for this I am so grateful that I cannot put it into coherent words – just a hell of a lot of tears to say thank you for the fact that they are okay.

I haven’t been able to properly focus on Ming for many weeks, because I was ashamed of him, and distraught, and so worried about the kids. Now that I know they will be all right, I am re-focussing on Ming and am terrified of course.

Praying seems a rather good idea.

Family Friendship Grief

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Another little blog break

by jmgoyder

One of the unexpected bonuses of blogging for me has been the very real friendships formed, the mutual support, the shared humour, the shared grief. The lessons of life that I have learned through other people’s stories, and interactions, have taught me how to better do empathy and sympathy, and forced me to feel the difference.

Thanks so much for those of you who have commented, ‘liked’, and given me your friendships. For those of you who are bloggers, I am struggling at the moment to keep up with your writings, so please forgive me for that. For Facebook friends, same thing really!

Ming goes to court in three days. Apparently he and I simply appear, his charges will be read out, and the case will be adjourned by our lawyer until the end of February. So I really need to concentrate on all of this at least until the beginning of February, and blogging will go on the back burner for the time being.

Hard to believe now that when I began blogging it was all about the birds.

blogging Family Friendship Grief Happiness LOVE STORY Parkinson's disease Wings

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Itchy hands

by jmgoyder

For a couple of days now my hands have been painfully itchy (apparently there is a myth that this means I am coming into some unexpected money – ha!)

I noticed that on the sides of each of my fingers there are several miniature blisters so I thought I’d google the condition and here is what I found:

http://www.pompholyx.co.uk/your_experiences.html

Yes, it would seem that I have pompholyx which of course I have never heard of before. It’s a form of eczema apparently, and the causes include everything from humidity to stress (both of which fit my situation). I’m a little alarmed to find that it may get worse but I’m also relieved that it may simply go away of its own accord. As diseases go, it certainly isn’t serious, but the itchiness is driving me slightly crazy because I want to scratch my hands to bits.

Changing the subject: I wrote a post about Ming yesterday but I trashed it soon after because it seemed a bit disloyal to a son who is, after all, only 10% evil haha! But I realize it will already have been seen by some so, just to reassure you, he and I are once again on the same page, and my new nickname for him is “90%”.

Another update: even though I briefly sighted a couple of the peahens the other day, I haven’t seen them again and five are still missing. Nesting season is well and truly over so I think I will have to assume that they have either flown away (to get away from the peacocks’ attention), or have been killed by foxes. I am hoping it’s the former but I will never know. My peacock-knowledgeable friend, Mike, came over to see us yesterday because Anthony was home for the day and I asked him if the males would be okay without their ‘wives’ and he reassured me that they would, but it is still sad to have lost the girls. I guess, you never know, they might come back. That’s the risk with free-range but I never wanted to pen them in.

I’m off soon to go into the nursing home for the afternoon. It is only one street away from the beach so much cooler than here on the farm. Pompholyx is not contagious so that’s okay; I just hope he doesn’t notice that I have taken my wedding and engagement rings off because there were a couple of blisters underneath them. My ring finger feels really naked as, except to clean the rings, I have never taken them off.

Here are some photos of the peahens (much more pleasant than a photo of my blistered hands):

Animal blogging Family Friendship Grief Happiness LOVE STORY Parkinson's disease Wings

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Temperature fluctuations in Australia’s summer

by jmgoyder

Western Australia has already had a pretty severe heat wave, causing bush fires in the northern part of our capital city, Perth, but now the heat wave is on the eastern side of Australia with temperatures in the 40s. This is particularly frightening if you live in a forested area (which we don’t because the farm is cleared land), but I feel so concerned for those who have lost their homes and lives and/or have been evacuated or else told it is too late to evacuate.

Over here I think we are in for another hot weekend after a semi-cool week. It always amazes me how a 40 degree C day can be followed by a 25 degree C day. And while we broil downunder, people are freezing in the northern hemisphere. I know several bloggers are suffering this severe weather too and it scares me.

Our figs began ripening a week or so ago only to have shrivelled now and, today, the moonflowers came out but, a few hours later, quickly faltered.

With whatever weather you are experiencing I wish you the best.

blogging Friendship

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jmgoyder

wings and things

New life!

Arthur

Listen to me!

Thank you, Brian

Surreal

Sundown

Ming’s court case update

Another little blog break

Itchy hands

Temperature fluctuations in Australia’s summer

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