jmgoyder

wings and things

Love story 91 – Another world

We’d rented a cottage at Flinders Bay, a tiny, magical little place, consisting of only forty-two tiny blocks – a two hour drive south for us.

“How big is the world?” Ming asked from his car seat in the back. He was three years old. We were only an hour into our journey and I wondered if his question was another version of “Are we there yet?” I hoped not.

“Huge,” I said.

“Are we aweady in the other one?”

“The other what?”

“The other world?”

“Not yet.”

“Yes we are so!” he said with certainty.

“What do you mean?”

“We doan have hunnerts of twees in our world.”

We were driving through a forest of beautiful karri trees and I suddenly realised how weird this would seem to Ming who was used to living on a cleared farm.

A few minutes later we stopped at a parking bay to eat our picnic lunch. The forest towered above us, filtering out the sunlight all except for a few bright shafts that Ming took great delight in jumping through over and over.

“I like this world way better than our one,” he said, decisively.

An hour or so later we approached Flinders Bay and I reached behind to nudge Ming’s leg until he woke up. “We’re here, Ming.” I said, excited myself. “This is Flinders Bay.”

He took his dummy out [yes, I know a 3-year-old with a dummy is bit unusual] and watched silently through the car window as Anthony eased the car down a steep slope into the tiny bay area. The view of the water was spectacular.

“It’s annuva world!” Ming exclaimed. “One, two, fwee – this is numba fwee world! How many worlds is there, Andony?” He always addressed these more difficult questions to Anthony, which was usually a great relief.

“Just one,” Anthony said, still negotiating the steep slope of the road.

“No it’s not!” Ming replied indignantly. “This is numba fwee – I just toldja that.”

I nudged Anthony as we pulled into the driveway of the beachside cottage. “Ming thinks we’re in another world,” I whispered. “Humour him.”

“Whadidja say to Andony, Mummy?” Ming shrilled, never one to miss a whisper.

I gave up on Anthony, who looked perplexed. “Daddy reckons this is another world but he doesn’t know how many there are, all together, Ming,” I said, getting out of the car.

Ming unclipped his seatbelt and threw himself out and onto the grass. “Are we gonna live here in this world now?” he asked, pointing to the cottage. He was so excited he could hardly contain himself.

“No, just for one week, Mingy,” I said, picking him up.

“How big is one week, Mummy?”

Argh! “Ask Anthony,” I said, knowing then that Ming would definitely provide us with a whirl-wind, one-week trip around the worlds!

This was confirmed when Ming looked over my shoulder at the incredible beachfront and asked, “Is this where all the worlds get borned, Mummy?”

I looked at the view through his eyes and said, without hesitation, “Yes.”

55 Comments »

Didgeridoo delights!

38 Comments »

Love story 89 – I miss him

The trouble is I miss him the way he was, not the way he is now. It’s okay, I tell him this to his face and he understands because he misses himself too. My Anthony – just a couple of years ago.

45 Comments »

Golden Valley update

Yesterday, two women from the Balingup Historical Society came to visit Anthony in the nursing lodge. The first photo is of Helen with Anthony and the second is of Carol with Anthony. It took me an incredibly long time to achieve the bad lighting in the first picture and the blurriness in the second – ha! Oh well at least I have a bit of a record of what was a couple of hours of pure pleasure.

Together, we established that, in amongst that massive box of photos, there were sixteen of Golden Valley from when Anthony was a boy. Unfortunately he isn’t in any of these photos but some of the trees he planted are. It was the loveliest visit, with lots of laughs as Anthony kept referring to his first girlfriend who still lives in Balingup.

Each and every photo provoked a little story, memory, date and it was such a fantastic experience for me/us to meet these two dedicated woman who are so keen to preserve this history. If I wore a hat, I would take it off for them.

Thankyou, Carol and Helen for making Anthony’s day unforgettable!

49 Comments »

History in the making?

Background: Oldest dairy in Western Australia.

Foreground: Youngest beard in Western Australia.

49 Comments »

Pathetic poetry

Today is in the dustpan

except for what we planned.

The visitors brought some sweet delights

and I stopped Godfrey’s angry bites

The taxi driver picked Ants up.

but saw my tears and asked ‘what’s up?’

I told him of our history

and he extended his hand towards me.

The days are getting bittersweet

and breathing sometimes seems a feat.

The happy cancels out the sad,

the sadness cancels out the glad.

If I were to go way back in time

I’d find a more specific rhyme.

My heart is torn away from me

and I just want to be left to be….

a bee

on a flower

in the sunshine

or else a perfect syllable.

36 Comments »

Once upon a time

Once upon a time – not too long ago – we three were an inviolable, hilarious tribe.

28 Comments »

How are you?

‘How are you?’ has become, in whatever language, an almost universal way of saying ‘hello.’

Nobody ever wants the ‘how are you?’ recipient to say anything beyond, ‘I am fine, thank you and how are you?’

Sometimes I forget about this ‘How are you? I am fine’ etiquette and I either respond to ‘how are you?’ with a novel-length tale of woe, sprinkled with some joy (or vice versa) – or, even worse, I interrogate the howareyouer by probing how they really are. Neither of these two alternatives have proved satisfactory because, inevitably, I either give or receive that thing that is sometimes labelled ‘foot in the mouth’.

‘How are you?’ has become a statement of niceness, a verbal gesture of care; it is not a question requiring an answer because it is sort of rhetorical – it is just a form of greeting and, as such, it is lovely.

Just imagine if we really, honestly answered that lovely question, ‘how are you?’ like this:

  • I’m tired and I don’t want to talk to you
  • My life sucks
  • I don’t know
  • I’m envious of your perfect life
  • I’m bloody sad
  • Anthony is deteriorating
  • I am on the brink of poverty and wondering if humans can eat grass and leaves
  • How the hell do you think I am?
  • I am hating the world today
  • I am crap

So, you see, you can’t answer the lovely question in those ways because you would seem rude, ungrateful, self-indulgent etc. and the poor howareyouer would never ask you again!

‘How are you? is a bit like ‘What are you doing today?’ because the latter is a question that expects you to be doing either something or nothing, but it mostly wants you to be doing nothing so that the asker of the question can help you do something. So you either have to say ‘I am … ‘ and try to remember your schedule for the day, or you have to be really honest and say, “I am sitting down and I plan to sit down for much of the day, so I don’t want my sitting down interrupted.”

But you can’t say that to the really busy people who care enough to ask you how you are and what you are doing so you say things like, ‘I am about to embroider the paddock with sunflowers’ or else just say you have lots of appointments (but you don’t divulge that most of your appointments are with the chair you are sitting in because you really love the chair and are a bit frightened to get off the chair today.)

How are you?

What are you doing today?

79 Comments »

Please don’t feel guilty

Anthony’s most frequent visitors at the nursing lodge are:

  • me
  • my mother
  • his oldest friend
  • two lovely men who used to work here
  • one of our neighbours
  • his boarding school buddy
  • a few of his nephews
  • volunteers
  • Ming

But there are many friends and family who don’t visit him. To begin with I wanted to beg people to visit him, then I realized that was an unfair request and people are busy and have their own problems and stuff.

I have also begun to realize that it is a bit scary for some to venture into a nursing home to visit someone who has changed so much, who no longer seems familiar. Another reason people don’t visit is because it is just plain boring sometimes; even for me, and this is a terrible thing to admit, visiting Anthony is often like an obligation, a job, rather than something I look forward to with joy.

I have now figured out how to get our home phone number transferred to Anthony’s room in the nursing lodge, so in a day or so he will have both the problematic mobile phone and a ‘normal’ phone. I am hoping that this will enable people to ring him more easily. The mobile, despite being one of those big ones, with big numbers, is becoming too difficult for Anthony to figure out. He doesn’t hold it to his ear properly; he doesn’t seem to be able to charge it when it’s flat; he keeps fiddling with it and sometimes accidentally locks it etc. etc. so the ‘normal’ phone will hopefully be easier.

Hopefully.

But that wasn’t the point of this post – this post is to reassure people that (a) it isn’t that scary to visit him; and (b) if you can’t cope, that is fine too, and please don’t feel guilty because Anthony would hate that.

I imagine this is a situation that many people find themselves in, in one way or another.

46 Comments »

Enough

Ming (18-year-old son): We need to talk.

Me: Yes.

Ming: I’ve had enough!

Me: Yes.

Ming: Your life is consumed by Anthony.

Me: Yes, sorry – I’m just trying to….

Ming: Mum, what do you want in life – what do you want in life now?

Me: Good question.

Ming: I know what I want right now, Mum and it’s got nothing to do with my ambitions.

Me: What do you mean?

Ming: I just want you to be happy again.

Me: Oh, that is a wonderful suggestion and how exactly do you plan to do it?

Ming: If you just listen ….

Me: What? Listen to you tell me off for every time I put too much water into the chook pen? Listen to you tell me off for ringing you on your mobile when you’re late? Listen to you tell me off because I’ve run out of weetbix? Listen to you tell me how to do every bloody thing as if I were born yesterday?

Ming: Please, Mum!

Me: Yes, what is it, oh fount of all wisdom? Have you found a magic potion for Dad?

Ming: That’s what I mean – it’s all Anthony, Anthony, Anthony.

Me: So you are saying I neglect you?

Ming: No! You are the best mother, I had the best childhood with you guys but now is sort of hell and sometimes I want to go away.

Me: So do I.

Ming: Why can’t we be a team – do the farm jobs together?

Me: I’m not very good at teamwork.

Ming: Why won’t you talk to me like we used to?

Me: I don’t want you to share the misery.

Ming: I already do, Mum! You have to let go of Dad emotionally – you have to trust the nursing home to look after him. He is fine!

Me: So how did you let go?

Ming: I just did – ages ago – so I could survive.

Me: Are you saying that my own misery is leaking into your life now?

Ming: Yes. Can you please stop it?

Me: What – the grief?

Ming: Yes, because I’m still here and you’re still here and the farm is beautiful and we are going to make it better.

Me: And why would that happen?

Ming: Because I love you.

71 Comments »