family | jmgoyder

Fighting fugdom on Friday

by jmgoyder

Zaruma is in a fug because the turkeys keep bullying him. Some evenings I have to actually pick him up and put him in the yard for the night. One of his feet is a little damaged from the latest battle with Baby Turkey so I contemplated bringing him into the back veranda to convalesce with Doc (who has kind of rallied – vet tomorrow, Husband and you guys suggest) until Son gave me ‘the look’. ‘The look’ is an expression of incredulity and shock and it is very effective. Needless to say, Doc is in the back verandah and Zaruma is out in the yard, but Son has put the turkeys in with Daffy and Dotty, the Indian Runner ducks, in the adjacent yard. It’s not as complicated as it sounds.

The definition of being ‘in a fug’ is when:

1. you don’t collect the mail from the post office for a week and then you leave it in the car for another week and then you bring it into the house and put it aside unopened for another week because it looks a bit billy

2. the tiniest of tasks seems insurmountable so that it seems a long way down to your feet to put your socks on

3. your mind does 50 laps while your body just hangs around drinking banana milkshakes

4. tomorrow becomes your favourite word

5. you forget to buy your grade 2 kid the left-handed scissors he needs for art class

The first time I was hit badly by fugdom was due to the last thing on the above list. My failure to remember the scissors for the third week in a row compelled Son’s teacher to ask me rather pleadingly to provide them and, mortified, I raced into town and bought the scissors and returned to the school and gave them to the teacher with my face squashed into a pretend smile. Then, driving home, I sobbed so hard about those scissors that I could hardly breathe.

The fugdom is back with a vengeance and there are many logical reasons for this, like anxiety about Husband, about Doc and Zaruma, about Son, who seems to have absorbed some of the fug, but there is also something illogical about it because of the hugely joyful balloon at the bottom of my stomach, waiting patiently.

So tomorrow – yes, tomorrow, Friday – I am going to take all of the mail into the nursing lodge and deal with it in the company of Husband’s moral support and I will not write another post until it is done – that’s my Friday challenge – hehe!

And hopefully, tomorrow, Zaruma will be back to normal!

Animal blogging Wings

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“Idiot child!”

by jmgoyder

My maternal grandfather used to call me ‘idiot child’ when I was little. He said this fondly, so it was a term of endearment but I think he might have been right, because I have always been fantastically good at making a fool of myself. So I am still that idiot child despite a few decades having passed by.

But I am not so much of an idiot that I can’t read between the lines of how this blog has altered in tone from light-hearted and somewhat hopeful, and mostly about birds, last November, to what it is now. It is certainly much more about things than about wings. I worry that it is beginning to be tinged with a death theme and I know what that’s about.

Son has berated me for this morning’s ‘Doc’ post because he saw it on Facebook and he was enraged that (a) I had given up on Doc, and (b) I told the “world”.

My mother says she couldn’t do a blog because she wouldn’t want to “bare her soul” which means I must seem like I am baring mine – how ghastly!

One of my best friends says, in a gobsmacked way, “I’m ringing to see if you are okay because I just read your post.” He was referring to one from some time ago in which I was bereft and he said, “You always have been so transparent with your emotions.”

Needless to say, these comments make me feel like an idiot – ha!

This afternoon, I went to visit Husband in the nursing lodge and it was great. We walked up to the corner of the lodge property and discovered yet another ocean view, some other friends came and we ended up in Husband’s room, having a few laughs and reminiscing and then Husband began to falter and I needed to go home to see what was happening with Doc (I had left Son in charge).

Tomorrow Husband wants to come home for the day to help us make the Doc decision, so that is a good thing. As I was leaving, I said to him “Do you think I am an idiot?”

Without hesitation, Husband replied, “No, you’re just Jules.” And his acceptance is, and always has been, my warmest blanket.

But, speaking of idiocy, it wasn’t until I looked at a blurred picture I took of Phoenix 1 the other day that I realized the avocadoes were ripening – can you see them?

If you can’t see them, you are an idiot!

Family Friendship Wings

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My mother

by jmgoyder

My mother is only a year older than Husband which is, I guess, a little weird and sometimes quite funny. She herself has been battling some health issues lately and yet her strength, resiliance, generosity and support is breath-taking. This poem is for her:

When I was a baby, she scalded my face

With fire-kissed love

When I was a little girl, she beat me

At Scrabble

And Monopoly

When I was a big girl, she sliced into me

And removed the gremlins one by one

When I was a teenager, she terrified me

With her unexpected games of hide and seek

Then she lost my father….

She lost my father

But she found him for me again

When I was 20, she chased me to Europe and back

With her proud, protective angel wings

Then she broke my heart

Losing her breast

The pillow of my infancy

When I was 30, she destroyed everything I believed

About my ugliness

When I was 40, she broke into my house

Of dog-eared cards

And reshuffled me a new deck

She wrecked my basement

And built me a balcony

When I was 50, she put poison into my chalice

Turning blood-sorrow into silvery wine

She turned my stomach

Into twisting, twirling hilarity

She grabbed me in a headlock so fierce

So loving

So hot

That my breath wavered in awe

Of her strength

My anchorage

My sister

My friend

My daughter

My mother….

My mother

Mother

I wish I could be as good to her as she has been to me….

Family Friendship

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Standing up straight

by jmgoyder

The following is a copy/paste of an email I just send to myself and to Son in response to a phonecall from a beautiful relative who suggested we need a bit more routine with Husband in order to overcome the horrible rut the 3 of us seem to be in.

Son and I discussed things and he handwrote our new routine+rules and we shook hands in agreement because I have finally come to the point where bringing Husband home overnight is impossible due to the latest phase of his Parkinson’s.

Even though, as one of my friends pointed out to me on the phone last night, I am rather frighteningly, transparently, honestly ‘out there’ on the blog, there is a lot of in-between-the-lines/behind-the-scenes stuff I have not divulged, including those lost hours of staring-into-space inability to even wash the dishes…

So I am elated about this new plan and I am determined to make it work for Son’s sake.

New routine:

Monday – no visit

Tues – Dad home all day while Son at Music school

Wed – no visit

Thurs – Mum visit Dad for lunch at nursing lodge

Fri – no visit

Sat – Dad home for day

Sunday – optional visit Dad

New rules:

Dad can’t stay overnight here ever again

Mum to ring Dad at 11am and 7.30pm every day (instead of every couple of hours).

I think this is a great idea and I am not going to get sad about it because it beats the hell out of my random routine so far and it gives us all some predictability in the face of such unpredictability.

Son’s face lit up with relief when I agreed with him and he said, giving me a hug, “Mum, please let us be a team from now on – please!”

“Okay,” I said.

Poignancy is now in purgatory and pragmatism is my new friend because it always stands up straight.

So tonight, I rang Husband to tell him about the new routine but he just said, “I’m watching the news, Jules, can you ring a bit later?”

Family Friendship Wings

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Cheer up!

by jmgoyder

Emery 1: Is Julie okay?

Emery 2: Shut up, Emery 1, and eat your dinner – I’ve saved you the crusts

Emery 3: Those funny little chicks out there yesterday were rather cute weren’t they!

Emery 2: (munching) Well they’re gone now aren’t they?

Emery 1: Oh, poor Julie

Emery 2: They were just guinnea fowl – get over it!

Emery 3: You really are callous aren’t you and you’re the female of this group!

Emery 2: I am not a female!

Emery 1: Actually, I think Emery 3 might be right, Emery 2 – you could be a female

Emery 2: Hell, I hope not!

Angelina: Where’s Julie?

Bubble: I’m not sure. I think she’s out there somewhere looking for those chicks.

Angelina: I hope she finds them! I’ve been looking for them too, you know, just out of curiosity.

Brad: I hate to say this, Angie, but I think a fox might have taken them.

Angelina: If so, I think we better gather around the back door and make sure Julie is okay.

Brad: Good idea – let’s go – let’s cheer her up!

Wings

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Tomorrow

by jmgoyder

Well the ‘yeeha!’ anticipation of yesterday’s post was crushed today when I found out that I am not supposed to bring Husband home so soon after his hospital adventure, so that was a fizzog. The disappointment in Husband’s voice on the phone has crept into today’s nothingness and splashed everything with gray.

So, no champagne or crayfish after all and Son is at his friend’s place so I’m alone and, although I usually love being alone, tonight, having just said ‘goodnight’ to Husband on the phone, I feel more bereft than usual.

It’s okay because my plan for tomorrow is that Husband, Son and I go to the restaurant where we celebrated my birthday earlier this year.

Family

31 Comments »

Yeeha!

by jmgoyder

Husband’s new medical regime seems to be working and he is much better so I just rang him to say I’d pick him up for the weekend and he and I are overjoyed and Son is going to stay at his friend’s place anyway so we won’t have that conflict issue and I better sweep the verandas and get some crayfish and champagne and invite lots of people and dust the house and find my lipstick and find the Blackbooks dvds Husband loves so much and pick some flowers and maybe get a pork roast or a lamb roast and heaps of salad and to hear him sounding so good after the last two weeks of weirdness and stuff is great so I am experimenting with long semi-unpunctuated sentences that end with the words yeeha yahoo hurray but mostly yeeha because that is my favourite word tonight!

Family Friendship

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Momentary

by jmgoyder

Many millions of moments ago,

I didn’t recognize what a moment was.

Many millions of moments later

I couldn’t catch it – this moment,

and, even if I could, it would probably flit away like an imaginary butterfly.

So I have had to put up with other moments,

stale moments,

injured moments,

stray moments,

bloody moments,

because I have lost that moment where everything fell into place …

that perfect apple crumble,

that perfect kiss,

that perfect fish mornay,

that perfect child,

that perfect everything ….

Next moment please!

I have my butterfly net ready

to catch the next millions of moments

and set them free….

Wings

42 Comments »

Blogbloops!

by jmgoyder

Oh well, it’s not like it’s the first time, although I have tried to be careful over the months since last November, when I, rather naively, began this blog.

Today, I blooped and then obliterated an angry post because it didn’t quite match with my otherwise perfect and delightful personality (ha!) – sorry to subscribers who received the angry post – just delete it.

This afternoon, Husband and I had a phone conversation that indicated to me that he was still disorientated. My anger dissipated and the love rushed back like a cracking wave.